Wyvern Posted April 15, 2009 Report Share Posted April 15, 2009 Very interesting story, Face. :-) I like how it starts with Burt's perspective, firmly grounded in the shame and horrors of the past, only to reveal that the war in question is WWIII when we get the more youthful perspective of the second post. One thing that I think you do exceptionally well in this story is to really draw the reader into the thoughts and feelings of the respective characters, as the paragraphs detailing the characters' contemplations over people and events felt like convincing trains of thought. I also really like some of the details in the characters' lives, like the photo of Burt and his brethren brandishing different types of guns, and the political agenda of the piece seems like it could be relevant to today. In terms of possible things to improve upon in future revisions, the dialogue of the story didn't feel as realistic or smooth as the thoughts and feelings of the characters to me. The characters are saying some very interesting things when they talk, particularly in the exchanges of the second post, but at the same time the manner that they spoke to each other seemed a little awkward and strange... you might consider drawing out the conversation of the second post a bit, as to give the exchanges between the characters a slightly more natural feel. Good story Face, thanks for sharing it with us here. :-) Welcome to the Mighty Pen by the way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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