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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

The Almost Report Sweeps Sweets in Sizes too Large


Wyvern

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The news cameras flicker on and pan over what might have once been Rhapsody’s personal Pen lounge, but which now looks more like a setting befitting of a pennite named Ravaged or Ransacked. Ridiculously large piles of discarded Valentines envelopes addressed to CheerMynx clutter the room, surrounding the overturned furniture and burnt out Almost Dragonic Brand Beaver Den Fireplace.™ Torn heart pillows litter the area like a symbol of what had transpired with Wyvern in the last Report, their stray feathers making the area look like the site of a mass cupid massacre. Stains and spills dot the few areas of cleanliness in Rhapsody’s quarters, varying from splashes of liquor and wine to the leftovers of a certain three-headed pet…

 

“Note to sssself: have CheerMynx get Cerby housssebroken.” Wyvern grumbles to himself as he rubs one of the cerbihuahua’s tri-stains up with a mop head, using a large pole with a broom on its opposite end. The overgrown lizard’s janitorial garb consists of a green protective plastic vest with a bright red ‘W’ insignia on the front, along with semi-transparent plastic pants that hint at the geld-bag boxer shorts he’s wearing underneath. Latex gloves cover the lizard’s claws and horns, and a bucket of Bruteweiser mead sits next to him for dipping the mop into. Nothing eats through stains better than Bruteweiser, after all. “Let’ssss see, maybe if we hit the scattered beaver fur next…”

 

Wyvern turns his head, only to pause as he notices the news cameras recording. He rubs his aching forehead with a latexed claw, then hisses:

 

“Welcome to the Almost Report’s 103rd Almost a Spring Cleaning Episssode.” Wyvern sighs and slumps his wings as he looks over the extent of the mess still waiting to be cleaned, but perks his chin up in an effort to avoid succumbing to post-drunken-Valentines-blues. “I wasss plannin’ on ambushing Kikuyu and Degorram for their birthdays today, but had to decide against it when I saw how much needed to be cleaned here. The twinsss still got their respective gift boxes, though, and I hope they enjoyed’em… Happy B-day once again to you two!”

 

Wyvern winks affectionately to the cameras, then takes a deep breath and turns back to the mess before him, deciding to focus on a section of discarded envelopes with his broomstick. The overgrown lizard grunts and visibly swings his tail back and forth through his plastic pants as he sweeps, brushing the envelopes out of sight with a little more vehemence than is necessary.

 

“Man, I wish I had sssome of the gadgets from Werewolf XLII: Gadget Wolf at my cleaning disssposal, that’d get this place ssspiffy in no time.” Wyvern pauses for a moment and sets his broom-mop aside, shaking his head and panting as he considers his options. “If only they weren’t bent on world domination like me… sssurely there’s an Instruction Manual available for’em somewhere?”

 

Wyvern waits for a response, only to grunt at the silence and turn in the direction of the back wall of Rhapsody’s lounge, which is smeared in chocolate and lipstick by the looks of things. The overgrown lizard sniffs at the markings and extends his forked tongue to test if the chocolate is still good, wondering if the cherry flavored lipstick is CheerMynx’s.

 

“Can’t sssay I approve of all this new Pen graffiti… not nearly enough Almost Dragonic Brand Product ads present.” Wyvern stares up at the height of the markings and tests to see how far his mop head will go. “The bessst way to cover this stuff might be with some of Venefyxatu’s (De)motivational posters, but we’re low on stock I hear…”

 

Wyvern grumbles and gives up on trying to reach the highest points of the wall smudges, tossing his broom-mop stick aside and flapping his wings in frustration. The overgrown lizard trudges through the post-Valentine wasteland until he finds a comfy spot of discarded envelopes to lie down on.

 

“Of courssse, if you think this looks like a mess now, jussst wait until Snypiuer gets around to it http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16509</a>'>28 Weeks Later.” Wyvern stares up at the mostly clean ceiling with a glum expression on his snout, stretching one of his latex gloves back and forth. “Heck, at thisss rate, the Meet the Almost Reporter Conservatory Gala will prolly be the only semi-clean Pen event left to attend…”

 

Wyvern snorts at the thought of one of his events actually being considered “clean” in the larger context of things, then shuts his eyes and tries to avoid snoozing on the job. The reptilian Elder’s thoughts turn to whether or not CheerMynx will even show up, given the drab nature of this week’s show. He hisses quietly and crosses his latexed claws for good luck…

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"Wyvie?"

Wyvern brightened at the sound of CheerMynx's voice. Leaping up from his snoozing spot, the Almost Dragon slipped and stumbled, but for once managed to keep his balance as he turned to face the door.

CheerMynx stood rather sheepishly in the doorway, her paws holding something behind her back.

The cheerline was dressed in a pair of cutoff overalls (at least three sizes too small, of course). Various brightly coloured bandannas were hanging from her pockets, and a sequinned covered one held CheerMynx's hair back from her face.

"Um, like, I heard about the mess and I wanted to know if I could help clean up?" CheerMynx bit her lip. "I'm, like, totally sorry about Cerby acting up like that and trashing the place and stuff." She shifted her paws behind her back, causing Wyvern to wonder if the cerbihuahua in question was what she was holding.

Fearing that the canine was about to be brought out for an apology 'kiss', Wyvern could only grunt warily as he eyed the cheerline with vague suspision.

Mistaking the Almost Dragon's fear for annoyance, CheerMynx coughed nervously.

"Um, like, anyway, if you totally don't want me to help clean up I, like, totally understand, but I like finally found your present and wanted to drop it off."

Taking her paws from behind her back (Wyvern flinched involuntarily), CheerMynx presented the Almost Dragon with a small, golden, and altogether Oscar-like statue.

Printed on the base of the statue was "Best Pen News Presenter."

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"Gee, thanksss CheerMynx!" Wyvern's eyes turn from the shoulder straps of CheerMynx's garment to the quality of the gold "Best Pen News Presenter" statue. He pulls out a pair of janitor-approved magnifying lenses to examine it further, trying to pinpoint a price and relishing in its flashier side. "I'll be sure to find a spot to ssstore it in my humble lil' horde..."

 

"Well, glad you like it." CheerMynx beams for a moment, her nervousness replaced with a little cat-like smile. "Anyway, like, I don't want to be in your way or anything, so I'll just-"

 

"Oh no no!" Wyvern rummages through his equipment and digs up a shovel, a large broom, a mop and a pair of pliers. "No! I could absssolutely use your help to the fullessst. Here, why don't you start by taking the east end and sweeping up the remainsss of the fireplace. Then, you can shovel out the old envelopes near the rug ssspot over there and tidy up that overturned chair. And after that, there'sss the main floor sweep and the wall wipe-offs. And oh, let'sss not forget the ceiling primping and the re-ssstationing of Rhapsody's lounge!"

 

The cat-like smile on CheerMynx's face is replaced with a look of dread as Wyvern shoves the various pieces of equipment in her direction, pointing and instructing her left, right and center. The Almost Intern's lower lip begins quivering a tiny bit as Wyvern finishes listing off the million different cleaning items to attend to.

 

"Anyway, jussst let me know if you need any help, I'll be cleaning the wessst ends a bit." Wyvern cocks a claw back and pauses, suddenly visualizing the image of CheerMynx bending over and breaking a sweat in her efforts. He clears his throat loudly. "I'l uhh, be keepin an eye out for ya. Jussst in case."

 

CheerMynx sighs and looks down at the clump of cleaning utensils shoved into her arms with an air of resignation. She pulls out the broom and gives it a little test sweep, only to notice a crumpled piece of paper that seems somewhat out of place in the otherwise fancy trashed envelopes. She reaches down and picks it up, raising a brow as she finds the words "To: CheerMynx" written on it in a familiar almost dragonic hand.

 

"Say Wyvie? What's this?"

 

Wyvern turns and freezes as he watches CheerMynx unravel his discarded Valentines poem, stuttering a bit and blushing deeply.

 

"Th-that? Uhhh... w-well that'sss..."

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The cheerline's brow creased in concentration as she tried to make out the now slightly smudged scrawl.

"It'sss...er...your valentine" Wyvern mumbled, claws twitching involuntarily as he fought the urge to snatch it back off CheerMynx.

 

Before the Almost Dragon could take any decisive action, however, CheerMynx finished reading the poem and looked up at Wyvern.

"Aww, Wyvie, did you, like, write this for me?"

 

Blushing furiously, Wyvern nodded. CheerMynx clapped her paws together and giggled sweetly, before she bounced over to Wyvern and kissed the tip of his snout.

"It's totally cute, Wyvie. Like, thanks!"

 

Humming to herself, CheerMynx pocketed the poem before she picked up a mop and began to clean.

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