The Almost Report Runs the Latest Version of Macrohard OSheX

[Wyvern]

The news cameras blur into focus as a tune that sounds like an automated ringtone bleeps away in the background, replacing the typical Almost Report kazoo medley with a more synthetic vibe. CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ looks extra polished and sparkly clean for the Report, with last week’s dojo accessories gone in favor of glass podium displays showing off the latest in Almost Dragonic Brand Technology. A rock shaped like a plug labeled “Almost Dragonic Brand Troll Cave Anti-Adapter™” is displayed in one corner while a wooden slingshot with a rubber band attached to it labeled “Almost Dragonic Brand Automatic Tri-Fire Goblin Slingshot™” rests in the other. A robot created out of coat hangars and prosthetic limbs slowly rolls in front of the cameras, then lifts a small sign that reads “Almost Report Episode #98 ‘Macrohard,’ Take 1” before snapping the upper half of it down with enough force to break the sign in two. The robot turns with a jerk and begins rolling off-screen as Wyvern steps into the room, followed by two robots with make-up puffs for hands that are putting some finishing touches to the lizard’s ensemble. Wyvern adjusts his grey suit and wyvern scale tie as he approaches the center of the room. He spreads his claws and grins at the cameras as the two make-up bots turn to exit, ignoring the extra set of dangerous scissor hands the robots have been supplied with for hair styling.

 

“Greetingsss… welcome to a new year, and a new more financially efficient Almost Report.” Wyvern winks to the cameras, then waits for a few minutes as a cheap robot with a serving platter for a head passes by balancing a bottle of Bruteweiser. Wyvern plucks it up with a claw, then opens it using a jagged can opener that the robot has for a nose. “In cassse you haven’t noticed, our troglyodytes have taken leave for thisss Report in favor of some new technological feats. Major sssavings, plus the crew requested a post New Years holiday anyhow. Not sure where they essscaped to, though I heard something about a sewage bathing spa...”

 

Wyvern reaches over and taps a button on a watch-like wristband that he’s wearing, causing a robot shaped like a reclining chair to emerge behind him. The overgrown lizard ignores the clear lack of stability at the cheap robot’s base as he seats himself on the shaky and altogether uncomfortable chair, his Bruteweiser bottle tipped in claw.

 

“Almost Dragonic Brand Technology – cheap, affordable, inexpensssive, non-pricey and 99% safe.” Wyvern fidgets in the robo-chair to try to get his tail comfortable while a robot with wrecking balls for hands wanders around dusting CheerMynx’s room with a feather duster. “So if you’re giving a presssent to someone, why not make it Almost Dragonic Brand Technology? The gift that keepsss on giving (until you run out of geld). A perfect choice for the new belated gift-giving exercise in the Cabaret, amongssst other things.”

 

Wyvern takes a swig of his Bruteweiser, then smacks his lips with a smile and flicks his tongue out at the cameras.

 

“Of courssse, if gift-giving ain’t your thing, the technology can also be applied to the calculation of quatrainsss or the placement of firssst lines in the Banquet Room.” Wyvern lifts himself from the robo-seat and stretches his wings, then taps another button on his wristband. “But don’t take it from me. Sssee what this week’s Almost Intern has to sssay about the products!”

 

Wyvern forces a grin and strikes a claws up as a robot made out of cheap wiring jerks its way into the room. A crooked mop head rests on the robot’s metal mini-scalp, and the pink pompoms the robot has for hands align with two purple pompoms glued to its chest. The wholly unattractive “Intern” turns in the direction of the cameras with a jerky wave.

 

“Like. Tot-ally. Wy-vern.”

 

Wyvern continues forcing a grin for a minute or so before slumping his shoulders with a miserable sigh.

 

“OK OK, so she’ssss no CheerMynx obviously… but at leassst the software these systems run on is moderately safe.” Wyvern snaps a claw triumphantly. “Yeah, that's right. I hereby declare epissssode #98 of the Almost Report accident fre-”

 

As if on cue, a tiny robot on wheels zooms into the bedroom, knocking over one of the glass podium displays and tripping the Almost Intern bot, which breaks into a million pieces when it hits the floor. Wyvern jumps out of his seat, his eyes following the mini-robot’s rampage.

 

“How did that thing get in here?!” Wyvern’s eyes widen when he notices the “Windows Vista” tag written on the robot invader’s side, and quickly clicks his wristband. “Don’t jussst stand there! Kill it! KILL IT!”