The Almost Report Promotes Tigers in Sheeps' Kimonos

[Wyvern]

The loud crashing sound of a gong echoes long before the news cameras flicker to life. The cameras focus on what appears to be the bamboo floor of a dojo, where several troglyodytes are scrambling to recuperate a badly dented gong from the frail hangers that it dropped from. The visuals turn away from the commotion for a moment to pan over the rest of the décor of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which includes several mounted belts in different shades of crimson, a small chocolate mud wrestling ring for training, and a giant Japanese good luck cat statue with its left paw raised. White curtains with advertisements for Almost Dragonic Brand Products hang draped over the cheerline’s walls, styled in jagged Japanese fonts. A miniature Bruteweiser tipper fountain also rests in the corner of the room, its nozzle bobbing up and down each time its been filled. Given the stylish dojo appearance of the quarters, it seemed almost ironic that Mynx’s katana collection was located in a seperate room…

 

“Greetingssss.”

 

The cameras turn in the direction of CheerMynx’s bed, where Wyvern is just raising his head from a brief bow. The overgrown lizard grins and spreads his wings to show off his fancy velvet kimono, which details different archaic symbols of almost dragons across its fabric. He lifts a samurai war mask from its spot crowning his head and lets the thin decorative armor coating his tail region rest at ease.

 

“Ohaiyo Gozaimassssss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern reaches into his kimono pocket and pulls out an ornamental throwing dagger, which he proceeds to use as a toothpick. “Join usss as we celebrate the refined art of Ewe-Jitsu in honor of http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?act=...p;m=12&d=29</a>'>Madoka’s birthday and the many samurai sheep at her disposal. We decided againssst broadcasting from Madoka’sss personal dojo in the hopes of avoiding sheep-related injury, but figure that an Almost Dragonic Brand Ewww-Jitsu Bootleg Training Demonstration™ would more than do the trick. It alssso guarantees 50% less wool.”

 

Wyvern hops off of CheerMynx’s bed and quickly wraps the rather loose kimono around his scales, wanting to save off on any unnecessary flashing until the training demonstration reached its segment on the Art of Distracting Opponents by Mooning. The overgrown lizard takes a swig from a flask of Bruteweiser Sake at his disposal, then wipes his snout with the back of his claw and hisses.

 

“One of the first techniquesss you learn in Ewww-Jitsu is the Wolf Identifier Nudge, which requires a degree in sheep’s clothing and at least 3 years of Werewolf game experience.” Wyvern holds up a sheet showing pictures of a white wolf, a grey wolf, and Tanuchan. “Ssspeaking of which, Werewolf XLI is now officially underway for those seeking out training. There’sss also an instructional outpost available for those who like takin’ shortcutsss, like me.”

 

Wyvern pulls out a quill used for Japanese calligraphy and sketches a prosthetic limb over Tanuchan’s picture on the sheet, then tucks it back into his pocket and wanders over to the Bruteweiser tipper fountain. The overgrown lizard lets his armored tail clang back and forth as he dips his forked tongue into the booze, almost getting it caught in the bobbing nozzle.

 

“Another acclaimed technique of Ewww-Jitsssu is the deadly art of Promotional Management Positioning, which can place one’sss salary leagues above the competition. As far as these promotionsss are concerned at the Pen, Ozymandias has noted that http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16473</a>'>new promotionsss will be revived in February.” Wyvern scratches one of his horns as he considers the long wait, then clears his throat and continues. “Until then, I wouldn’t surprised if the Ewww-Jitsu art of Thread Hijacking were applied to that Cabaret announcement... possibly in the near future.”

 

Wyvern lets his tongue absorb the Bruteweiser for a few more seconds, then pulls it out of the fountain only to take another swig from his Bruteweiser Sake bottle. The reptilian reporter swaggers forward, visibly tipsy and ready to enter into a Drunken Almost Kimodo Ewww-Jitsu stance. He hiccups a smoke ring, then takes another long sip from his bottle and hisses:

 

“Comin’ up nexxxt, Almost Report celebrity and resssident pink belt CheerMynx, who’ll hopefully be willing to aid me in a live demonstration of Ewww-Jitsu Sssensitivity Point Poking.” Wyvern licks his lips and rubs his claws together. “Jussst so long as Mynx doesn’t catch wind of anything, I think it'll be an extra fun practice...”

[CheerMynx]

"Hiiiiiiiiii-yah!"

Wyvern was briefly aware of a bright pink blur flying at his head before CheerMynx connected, knocking Wyvern down into a tangled heap.

When the dust cleared, Wyvern was able to make out CheerMynx's Pink Power Ranger costume (sans mask) for a moment before the cheerline leapt to her paws and began to babble excitedly.

"LikohmygodWyvieyouwouldn'tbelieveitI'mtotallygoingtobeinamovieIjustgotacallfrommyagent!"

"You...what?" Wyvern blinked dazedly, still trying to process the cheerline's excited babble.

"Myagentliketotallycalledandsaidtheseguysaredoingamovieandtheywantmeafterthe

ysawmeonDawgrim'sReek!"

"M-movie?" Wyvern continued to blink as the wheels slowly turned in his brain, before he suddenly realised what it could mean and jerked upright. "You're leaving the Almossst Report?!"

"Like, just for the shoot," CheerMynx pouted slightly that Wyvern's response wasn't as excited for her as she'd hoped. "It's called 'Dungeons and Tigers' and they start shooting this week so I like totally have to start packing and get my fur done and my claws and ohmygod I have to get new outfits and..." CheerMynx continued rambling, half to herself as she made a mental list of all the cheerline necessities, oblivious to the bereft expression on Wyvern's face.

[Wyvern]

Wyvern slowly lifts the bottle of Bruteweiser Sake to his snout as he absorbs the news, missing his lips and dribbling booze down his cheeks as he stares forward with a somewhat shocked and anxious expression. The overgrown lizard raises a claw and opens his mouth to speak, then shakes the surprise from his noggin and begins scurrying after the Almost Intern as she packs her things.

 

"I-I mean congratsss, b-b-but what if they wanna make a sequel?" Wyvern tries to get CheerMynx's attention unsuccessfully, dodging left and right as the cheerline tosses tantalizing garmets into her sack at an alarming rate. "A-and I mean, wh-what about the sssupporting cast? A-at leassst tell me the names of the handsome male co-starsss?"

 

Wyvern pulls out a small notepad labeled "Death List" and prepares to scribble the names down, then opens his yap again only to have CheerMynx gently cover his mouth with a paw.

 

"Like, don't worry about it Wyvie." CheerMynx grins and raises her other paw in an enthusiastic pose worthy of any Power Rangers episode. Or at least any episode prior to FCC screening. "I'll totally be back before you can say 'CheerMynxcaughtinaHollywoodScandal,' OK?"

 

"Wh-wha-, I-I mean OK, I guess..."

 

Wyvern stands sullen, tail drooped, his blank death list still in hand. He watches as CheerMynx waves and exits with another squeal of excitement, still coming to terms with the fact that she may be moving on to bigger and better things. After a moment of sulking, Wyvern races to the door in time to see the cheerline's tail disappear around a corner at the end of the hall. He raises a claw to his snout and calls after her.

 

"W-will you at leassst send me a copy of the Director's Cut?!"