The Almost Report will be back next week. And now, Dawgrim's Reek

[Wyvern]

The broadcasting cameras flicker on to what appears to be the Mighty Pen’s Library, only decked out to resemble some sort of upper-grade high school library. The choice of high school décor for the library is rather odd, however, as tiny discarded bones rest in the pencil cases and a long chain of complicated keys rests where a set of library cards might have been. The sections of the library have also been re-tagged and simplified for the program, with the “Agriculture,” “Biological Science” and “Human Resources” sections collectively labeled with a large sloppy “Food” sign. A moldy crate of mead has also replaced the water fountain, and the furniture is decidedly smaller and less expensive than the library’s typical accommodations. A low kazoo blows like some kind of cheesy sax in the background as the title of the show flashes across the screen in a nauseatingly jagged font.

 

Dawgrim’s Reek

(sponsored by Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin Dynamite Rucksacks™)

 

The music continues playing after the title disappears, and is accompanied by a troglyodyte-generated cheering and applause track as Wyvern steps under the red “now filming” tape and into the library. The thick black hair that rests between the lizard’s horns has a wavy “pretty boy” feel to it, not to mention enough conditioner to flash full reflections across its surface. The extra-large green goblin school vest and slacks that Wyvern wears suit him surprisingly well, though the giant withered ornamental rose that’s pinned to the front of the lizard’s vest is excessive even by teen soap opera standards. A troglyodyte dressed in a brown hobgoblin outfit paces next to Wyvern, a script clearly extended in one of his webbed hands.

 

“So uh, Dawgrim.” The troglyodyte reads his words one at a time, enunciating each one in true cheap soap opera fashion. “Home Hogswill is coming up. Who are you asking out to it?”

 

Wyvern pauses at the troglyodyte’s question and strikes a pose, evoking another round of cheering from the soundtrack. The overgrown lizard tosses his Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin Dynamite Rucksack™ (the only rucksack built for dynamite goblins) to the side with a single claw motion, evoking an unscripted crashing bookshelf sound in the background.

 

“Well Gurt, I’ve already got Shara and Lemn in the bag… or should I say Almost Dragonic Brand Goblin Dynamite Rucksack™?” Wyvern grins and pulls a beak bone comb from his back pocket, twirling it before brushing it back through his smooth hair. He combs with so much enthusiasm that his wig falls to the floor mid-stroke, causing him to stumble over his lines for a moment. “But y’know Gurt, Trisssska, errr *ahem* Triska is my current interest. Aside from Kaurly, she’s the only one for me.”

 

“You are seeing Triska now?” The troglyodyte continues to read his lines a completely bored manner. “Be careful there, Dawgrim. I heard once you get with her, there is no turning back. She is the she fox of… Go-bu-larr-d? Gobulard Academy.”

 

“You think I can’t handle a lady, Gurt?” Wyvern scoops up his wig from the floor with his tail stinger and plops it back onto his head… backwards. “I’ve been jugglin’ Lemn and Rassa since we first started ‘Fire Making (Stick Rubbing)’ classes at the ol’ Academy. No chick can dominate ME with their charm. I’m the reekiest!”

 

The kazoo blows like a sax again in the background to accentuate the reptilian actor’s bold statement.

 

“Speaking of which, I have my first really hot make-out date with Triska behind the Library’s ‘Pet’ section stacks tonight. Don’t you have to go study, Gurt?”

 

The troglyodyte actor nods his head and stands in place silently. After a few minutes, Wyvern clears his throat and repeats the line.

 

“Don’t you have to go study, Gurt?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Silence.

 

“Just GO dammit!”

 

Wyvern stomps a foot on the floor and gestures towards the exit, causing the troglyodyte to remember his cue and race the heck off of the set. The overgrown lizard huffs to himself and shakes his head at the troglyodyte, then begins jittering in spite of himself as he makes his way over to the ‘Pet’ section of the library. The infinite potential of the script called for him to be dominated and seduced by his favorite Almost Intern as Triska, and all he had to do was play it cool to advance that far in the script. All he had to do was not stumble over his lines, or get so over-excited that he blows a fuse…

 

Easier said than done?

[CheerMynx]

At her cue, CheerMynx triple checked that her wig was on straight and gave herself a final primp before ‘Triska B’Shell’ sashayed up to Dawgrim in the library.

 

Dressed in a skin tight micro mini and a low-cut, gauzy blouse that was so see-through you could make out her stripes under the fabric, the sleek black wig completed an ensemble that made CheerMynx look like she was auditioning for a remake of Cruel Intentions. Or that she was perfectly dressed for the role of the leading lady in a low budget high school soap opera...

 

“Dawrgim,” ‘Triska’ purred as she approached. “Hi.”

Wyvern’s eyes rolled into the back of his head and the Almost Dragon collapsed.

 

TAKE TWO

“Trisssska,” Wyvern attempted his own purr, raising one arm to lean casually against the bookcase but succeeding only in knocking an entire shelf of books onto the floor.

CheerMynx raised a paw to her face and giggled, causing Wyvern’s scales to turn bright red.

 

“Uh-*cough*-sssso...Trisska...the Home Hogswill is coming up,” Wyvern swallowed to try and get the tremor out of his voice.

“Oh, yeah...” CheerMynx smiled, playing with a strand of her hair as she moved closer, now barely a foot away. “Are you thinking of going?”

“...”

 

*THUD*

 

TAKE FIVE

“Well...I wasss only going to bother going if I had the right...motivation,” Wyvern attempted a roguish smile, but the last fall seemed to have impaired some of his motor function. Either that, or the fact that CheerMynx was following the script to the letter and as a result all but pressing against him seemed to have addled the Almost Dragon’s brain.

 

“Like, wow, Dawgrim,” CheerMynx turned her back to Wyvern and leaned against him as she played with her hair so he couldn’t see her mischievous grin. “Are you asking me to Home Hogswill?”

Fighting desperately to not faint this time, Wyvern could only manage a strangled “Uh-huh.”

CheerMynx giggled again, before tossing her hair and flouncing away from Wyvern.

 

“Well, gee Dawgrim, I’ll, like, have to think about it.” She glanced over her shoulder and winked. “You’re not the only one to ask me out, you know.” CheerMynx purred a laugh before she disappeared out of the library.

Wyvern gaped after her, his jaw hanging as his eyes followed the cheerline’s tail, unable to think of anything else but how close he had been...

 

*THUD*

 

TAKE...ohforgetit.

CUT!