The Almost Report Upsets Financial Officials

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on and off with shaky waves of static, their images oscillating due to an interference in frequency. The cameras finally find an angle that produces a steady image and focus on the odd higher-technology artifacts arranged on various counters and drawers. If the PR Static Rail Gun and Black Star Air Base medals hanging on the walls didn’t make the quarters strange enough, the fact that half of the room was missing was enough to make more than a few news troglyodyte scratch their heads. What would have been a perfectly round chamber is cut off by a wide open gap halfway across the room, which stares out over the Pen’s courtyards with no walls, floor or any sort of furnishings. The news cameras pan over the great outdoors of the Pen for a moment in the hopes of spotting some Unexpected Barbeque celebrities in the distance. They pull back when Wyvern’s voice begins echoing in the background, his hiss exhibiting a slightly calmer and sharper tone than usual.

 

“A Pennite’sss quarters, littered with objectsss unknown. Half a chamber, cut off from natural Pen architecture. Wasss it a drunken remodeling job gone awry, or are you entering… the Almost Report.”

 

Wyvern steps out dressed in a Rod Sterling black suit and tie combo, his claws pressed together in front of him and an inquisitive look in his beady eyes. The lizard’s scales have even been painted in blacks and whites for the occasion to give the show a slightly retro feel (and cut down on the camera training budget).

 

“Georg Willis Pilocanci.” Wyvern steps over to a portrait of Pillow that hangs on the wall next to a high-tech rotund gadget of sorts. He tilts his neck ever-so-slightly to look up at it. “Asssociate of Yan Yan Ganaffi. Sharing similar quarters, even birthdays. Seemingly your typical eccentric pennite… with a not-so-typical passst.”

 

Wyvern turns and paces through the walk-able half of Pillow’s quarters, almost tripping on a large rail gun that lies in a dangerous position on the floor.

 

“At a glance, Pillow lived the life of your average pennite civilian. But unlike average pennite civilians, parts of his room were used as a means of bending space and time. Even language.” Wyvern turns his head to the cameras with his best deadpan Rod Sterling look. “Yesss, language. Much like cryptomancer’s quatrain game and recent madlib results, Pilocanci’s quarters did more than just put a spin on words. An impossible scenario for your typical Pen lodgings… but not for a spacecraft docked on a wall of a pennite’s quarters. A wall now conspicuously absssent, along with a certain pennite’s language.”

 

Wyvern adjusts his tie and stares out the open wall to inspect the skies for unidentified geld-shaped objects. He leans against what he assumes is a counter and gets his tail caught on a trigger mechanism, blinking as the “counter” in question fires a stray rocket that goes soaring into the Pen’s courtyard. Wyvern flinches and quickly gestures for the cameras to turn as a loud explosion is heard somewhere in the background.

 

“Anyway, it’sss all detailed in this book.” Wyvern drops the Rod Sterling tone and demeanor as he lifts a familiar-looking tome entitled “The Chicken or the Pen?” for the cameras to see. He points at the chicken-suited Mardrax on the cover. “255 geld cheap. Or if ya don’t feel like contributing to that cause, why not donate to the Mighty Pen Fundraiser inssstead?”

 

Wyvern’s plug is interrupted by coughing fits as billows of black smoke begin rising from the courtyard outdoors, filling Pillow’s open room. Wyvern’s black and white scales are quickly obscured by the smoke, despite his best efforts to wave it away with his wings. The camera lenses go dark as well…