The Almost Report Unwraps Tralla's Gift of Fear

[Wyvern]

The news cameras slowly fade in to a visual of a quaint lounge area that looks suspiciously similar to a refurnished section of the Cabaret Room. The oval table at the center of the lounge is loaded with stacks of open novels that surround a large typewriter, and a set of walls that look suspiciously similar to painted sections of large cardboard boxes stand tilted in the background. Various pictures of Tralla are tacked to the “walls” along with photocopied college degrees and veterinary certificates. A lump of crimson scales sticks from under the lounge’s padded couch, looking suspiciously similar to a certain reptilian reporter’s rear. Wyvern pulls himself from his crouching position with some effort, grunting and patting down the ruffled scales on his head. He adjusts the brown news hound trench coat that covers his wings and looks at the cameras… somewhat suspiciously, for continuity’s sake.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to another episode of the Almost Report.”

 

Wyvern clears his throat and tries to break the suspicious atmosphere by flashing a wide grin of razor sharp teeth and spreading his arms in a genial manner. His tail swooshes behind him, swatting an off-camera cardboard cut-out to his right and triggering a domino effect of cardboard backdrops collapsing. Wyvern sighs as the rest of the Cabaret Room becomes visible along with various cameramen and sound troglyodytes: He slowly shrugs, then hisses:

 

“We’re reporting to you live from Tralla’sss Pen quarters, or rather what we asssume Tralla’s quarters might look like since she’sss insisted that she has no actual Pen quarters to speak of. We just decided to gather a bunch of her Pen works together and construct what we assume a Tralla-friendly lounge would be like.” Wyvern waves a claw in the air to accentuate the statement, then coughs a little. “Noticcce the Almost Dragonic Brand Wyvern Worshipping Shrine™ to the left *ahem.* A happy belated to you, Tralla.”

 

Wyvern snorts, then claps his claws together and begins rummaging through documents and searching under pieces of furniture again. The overgrown lizard tacks the occasional sheet of scribbles onto his horns and tail stinger, though the disappointed look on his snout seems to suggest that his hunt is not going so smoothly.

 

“Another reassson we’re here is to ssseek out the ever-elusive conclusion to Tralla’s popular tale ‘The Gift of Fear’ in an Almost Report exxxxclussive. Show ratingsss have stooped to an all-time low, and I figure there’sss nothing like a big fat exclusssive to kick the funding gearsss back into motion.” Wyvern pauses for a moment to glance under a tiny tome labeled “Narcissism,” only to curse at the lack of goodies there. “Ssspeaking of funding, I wanna remind folks that the Pen is currently raising money to pay for its yearly hosting fees via the Mighty Pen Fundraiser. No one is required to donate anything, but should you feel in the giving mood, you can contribute by clicking on the ‘Paypal Donate’ button on the upper-right-hand corner of the ssscreen and can donate as much as you want. All donationsss are greatly appreciated!”

 

Wyvern nods, then brushes some stray sheets from his overcoat and wanders up to the fallen cardboard walls, searching for secret cardboard compartments that might contain cardboard vaults.

 

“Of courssse, in addition to the ‘Gift of Fear’ exclusssive, we’re also continuing to keep our eyes peeled for any signs of CheerMynx fur.” Wyvern scrapes his claws along the cardboard cut-outs in the hopes of picking up something, leaving a set of distinctive scratch marks in the process. “I suppossse we’ll have to get some news peeps checking out the unexpected barbeque as well, I heard there were sssome interesting new pennites arriving there…”

 

“Uhhh, Wyvern?” A troglyodyte steps onto the scene with something cupped in his webbed fingers. “We found some fur.”

 

Wyvern perks his head up and jumps to his feet, an excited gleam in his beady eyes. He raises a claw triumphantly, only to suddenly go glum as he takes a look at the white and brown fur that the troglyodyte has collected.

 

“No nooo, I sssaid orange and black fur, didn’t you get that? That’s just that Almost Dragonic Brand Shredded Innocent Kitten Fur™ that we sprinkled around this area to give the impression that Tralla’s cat had been shedding.”

 

Wyvern shakes his head and grumbles, then goes back to searching the cardboard ruins of the set piece, still one exciting news exclusive short…