The Almost Report Tests the Laws of Caws and Effect

[Wyvern]

The news cameras power on to focus on complete darkness, which is promptly lifted as several stray raven feathers fall from the camera lenses to give a full view of a pennite’s intricately arranged quarters. Necromantic tomes and old tattered spell parchments lay strewn around an old oaken table near a loaded bookshelf, which seems to be brimming with literature on the mythos of Aves. A gray skull with horns rests next to several burning candles in the corner, and what appears to be a black backdrop for photo shoots rests between two small raven statues. The cameras pan around the elegant furniture of the chamber until they reach Wyvern, who appears less-than-elegant in his odd attire to say the least. The reptilian reporter’s purple suit with its wilted rose might have passed for something comically formal were it not for the messy clumps of straw packed beneath it, which cling to his scales and horns through pieces of cheap tape. The overgrown lizard casually lifts a claw in greeting before turning to the cameras and hissing:

 

“Good evening, and welcome to yet another episssode of the Almost Report.” Wyvern wanders up to one of the raven statues near the chamber’s photo shoot area and pauses. Stray grains of straw shed onto the necromantic symbols of the room’s carpet as Wyvern’s tail flicks back and forth. “Tonight, we take you deep into the recesssses of cryptomancer’sss Pen workshop in a belatedly celebration of the necro-raven’s birthday. Besssides, we figure this might be a good ssspot to sssearch for clues concerning CheerMynx’s whereabouts. I mean, not that I’m worried or anything. I mean I’m far too handsssome for her to vanish for good, right? I mean, I’m ssssure she’ll turn up eventua-“

 

“Nevermore!”

 

Wyvern frowns and turns his snout at the sound of the voice, only to find a troglyodyte dressed in a black robe of feathers and wearing a dark beak mask on his face. Wyvern raises a claw to his forehead and sighs.

 

“Go figure… I had thisss scarecrow armor specifically tailored to fend off birds, and look at what I get.” Wyvern glares at the troglyodyte in costume, then grumbles and scratches beneath the itchy clumps of straw at his scales. “Remind me never to go for a ssscarecrow look again.”

 

“Nevermore!”

 

Wyvern rolls his eyes at the troglyodyte and moves over to inspect the skull surrounded by candles in the corner. He frowns at the lack of orange and black fur traces in the area, and contemplates whether the skull had previously belonged to one of his brethren before turning back towards the cameras.

 

“Anyway, as I mentioned before, a happy belated birthday to you cryptomancer! Here’sss hopin you had a great one.” Wyvern digs into a particularly large clump of straw taped to his wings and pulls out a small black circle with a bright gift bow attached to it. He sets the flat object down on the cluttered oaken table and strikes a toothy grin. “Hope you enjoy thisss Almost Dragonic Brand Lightly Cursed Witch Lens™ for cameras. A different enchantment for every photo, which kinda makes up for the blurry quality. Witch cauldron development studio not included, but we do guarantee less camera spell malfunctionsss.”

 

“Nevermore!”

 

“Yeah, what he sssaid.” Wyvern cocks a claw back at the raven troglyodyte for a moment, then shakes his head and sets about scanning the quarters for any objects bearing a resemblance to a pompom. “I’d alssso like to take a moment to ultra-belatedly wish Sir Walnut Reginald what’shisname a happy birthday. Here’s hoping ya had a great one, and that you have many more to-“

 

“Nevermore!”

 

“No no, many more.” Wyvern stares down at the troglyodyte and sighs, then lowers claw over the beak of the costume and signals to the cameras. “Cut! Why don’t ya camera folksss make yerself useful and get to searching for clues like the ressst of the crew, we got a long night ahead of usss…”