The Almost Report's Covert "Convert Sora" Propaganda Cam

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on and turn to an area where a TV and VCR rest in a cozy-looking circular room of the Pen. Wyvern whips his tail back and forth as he adjusts the “Elder of Initiates” badge and formal grey Pen recruiter jacket on his scales, balancing one foot on a Gamecube and the other foot on a Playstation in the hopes of giving himself a bit of extra height. The overgrown lizard adjusts the geld symbol tie wrapped tightly around his neck and turns his head towards the cameras, flashing a toothy grin as he wobbles back and forth on his gaming system platforms.

 

“Greetingsss, one and all, and welcome to a ssspecial infomercial edition of the Almossst Report. Broadcasting to you live from Sora Hikari’s tower abode, with a specific Sora Hikari-related purpose in mind.” Wyvern claps his claws together, then winks and points one of them at the cameras. “Given the lack of urgent Pen newsss and the lack of… well… *sniffle* …*ahem* other Report things to attend to, we figured we’d take thisss opportunity to try and motivate Sora Hikari to sssubmit an official Pen application to the Recruiter’s Office. That way, I can read it over and hopefully get a decent bribe from her! Plus, it’d nice if she wasss ‘officially’ a member in our ranks or whatever.”

 

Wyvern taps the VCR behind him with his tail stinger just to make sure that it’s on and humming, then reaches into the front of his pants and pulls out a battered VHS video cassette.

 

“How do we motivate Sora Hikari to apply, you asssk?” Wyvern points at the label on the video, which reads “Pen Applications in 666 EZ Steps,” then stoops down to insert it in the player. The overgrown lizard loses his balance and falls on his rear in the process, landing on the floor with a painful crunch of damaged gaming equipment. “Well *ow* let’sss start with this old promotional Pen video and take it from there...”

 

The news cameras focus on the TV screen as the words “Almost Dragonic Brand Productions Presents…” pan across it. The words fade into a shaky black and white image of Wyvern’s Recruiter’s Office. The footage is so old that it even contains a shot of Wyvern’s long-lost secretary Melba working away in the background at a desk long since buried in paperwork. Wyvern steps into the picture wearing the exact same grey Pen recruiter jacket and badge, though the way the scales poke up on his head make him look slightly more youthful and rebellious.

 

“Greetingsss, I’m Wyvern Q. Almostdragon. You may remember me from such films as ‘Bury the Snake’ and that ad for Almost Dragonic Brand Ready-Made Pen Application Dosssiers.™ Well, I’m here to talk to you today about submitting formal applications to the Pen.” Wyvern walks up to a chair in the video and sticks one of his feet up onto it, crossing his arms and posing with a cheesy guidance counselor demeanor. “Now, you might be wondering, ‘why should I apply to the Pen?’ I mean, you get the same responses and post in the same forums, so what’sss the point? Well, the answer is really quite simple…”

 

Wyvern pulls out an extremely complicated chart containing several multi-layered pie diagrams stacked in a rough triangular formation. If that weren’t bad enough, the chart’s color-coding is lost to the black and white of the video.

 

“Submitting an official application to the Pen is the only way you’ll be able to participate in Almost Dragonic Brand Nanotoknonnen Style Pyramid Schemes.™ When you become an Initiate, you can hand over 200 geld to yoursss truly to start getting involved! Returnsss widely vary on conduct. Initiates typically perform minor choresss for Almost Dragonic Inc., but Pagesss can become full-time Wyvern servants and female Quillbearersss may even get a shot in bed with-”

 

The video goes to static, causing Wyvern to curse. He kneels back down and bangs the VCR with a claw in the hopes of getting it working again, only to smash the VCR to pieces in the process. The reptilian reporter clears his throat loudly and turns to the news cameras as rejected tape begins spewing out of the broken VCR and making a mess on Sora’s floor.

 

“*Ahem* In cassse that promotional video wasssn’t convincing enough, the Almost Report isss now taking guest callers to encourage Sora Hikari to deliver a Pen application.” Wyvern taps his claws on the side of Sora’s DVD shelf and nervously glances at a glowing crystal ball that has yet to chime. “Pennites can possst their calls right in thisss thread, the incantation number is 1-900-SORASHOULDSPEND. That’sss 1-900-SORASHOULDSPEND. Call now and our operators will link your voice and image directly to the crystal ball for Sora Hikari and all to sssee.”

 

Wyvern presses his claws together and stares at the cameras with a wide grin for several minutes, sweeping the broken gaming equipment to the side with his tail and getting it caught in the tangled video tape in the process. The overgrown lizard eventually stands up and wanders over to Sora’s comfy-looking recliner, dragging stray video tape across the floor in the process. He collapses into the seat and glances back over at the crystal ball, hoping that the news crew won’t have to resort to Operation Xiao X…