The Almost Report Indulges in Even More Shady Methods of Reporting

[Wyvern]

The news cameras tune in to pitch blackness as the sound of troglyodyte whispering echoes in the background. After several minutes of blind shuffling, cursing, and clanging equipment, two pale overheard lights flash on. The spotlights leave most of the room in darkness, but illuminate small sections of what appears to be CheerMynx’s Bedroom HQ… though the colorless hue that the lights bath the décor in make it hard to recognize the cheerline’s vibrant dwellings. The cameras turn and catch the sight of Wyvern as a spotlight passes by his wings, illuminating his ill-fitted magician tuxedo and horn-tipped top hat. The overgrown lizard lets out a hiss and gestures to the cameras, signaling for them to turn in the opposite direction until they’re facing a blank screen that has been set up on the wall opposite of CheerMynx’s bed. Little flickers of shadows dance along the screen until a small Wyvern-shaped silhouette appears. The cameras focus on the shadow while the sound systems pick up Wyvern’s familiar hissing in the background.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almost Report’sss first ever shadow puppet exclusssive.” The miniature Wyvern shadow strikes a crooked bow and shuffles across the screen in jerky movements. “Reporting to you live from CheerMynx’s Bedroom HQ in one of our cheapessst special effects budgets to date! Ssstay tuned for shady news, shadier gimmicks, and advertisements for Almost Dragonic Brand Neon Flasherlights.™”

 

The Wyvern shadow puppet shuffles to the far left as a rotund blob of sorts splatters its way onto the center of the screen. The shadow seems to dribble down the screen for a moment before slowly sprouting a number of tiny rectangular shadows that almost resemble horns.

 

“Of courssse, there’sss more than just special effectsss budgets and Neon Flasherlight™ advertisements behind thisss shadow puppet display show. The Almost Report would alssso like to send its very best belated birthday wishes to Yui-chan, who celebrated lassst week. Here’sss hoping you had a great one, Yui! Hope ya like the cake.” Wyvern pauses as a troglyodyte news person rushes up to the screen and tapes a tag labeled “Shadow Birthday Cake” under the blob with the many candle horns. “Made from only the mossst genuine of ingredientsss, I assure you.”

 

The cameras turn for a moment to direct their attention towards Wyvern, who is seated on CheerMynx’s bedside and gobbling down pieces of vanilla cake while getting white frosting smeared all over his snout. The cameras catch sight of the spotlight next to Wyvern, which has an actual piece of cake smooshed onto it to produce the shadow cake effect. They then turn back in the direction of the shadow screen as Wyvern shoos them away with a claw.

 

“In further newsss, the Almossst Report needsss you to aid in our reporting!” The Wyvern puppet on the screen seems to transform into a giant claw, which points itself at the cameras. “We need fresh newsss items to report on in the Pen’s current lull, ssso feel free to go make some news so we can slander it and use it to promote Almost Dragonic Brand Products in typical Almost Report fashion. Heck, you can even hit usss with exclusssives over PM if ya want. Oh, and if you’d like the Report to hit your Pen quarters in a non-illegal manner and we haven’t paid a visssit to you yet, you can feel free to suggest it... for a price.”

 

With that, the lights of the screen begin to go dim, only to suddenly flare up in an annoying range of rapidly flashing neon colors that could only be produced by Almost Dragonic Brand Neon Flasherlights.™ The general lights of the room flicker back on as a troglyodyte runs across the screen screaming and clutching his eyes from the flasherlight display, knocking over the shadow screen as he collides into it and setting off an alarm of some sort in the process. Somewhere in the midst of the flood of news troglyodytes that follows the accident, Wyvern’s disgruntled hisses are heard.

 

“Cut! CUT!”