The Almost Report Leans a Little More Towards Dragonic

[Wyvern]

The thick ruby red curtains that cover the camera lenses are pulled back, revealing a wide and spacious room with a variety of eccentric artifacts and furniture surrounding the broad open area of its center. The chamber gives off a certain mythical comfort in its curving red wall patterns and brightly lit candles, and the cameras pan over an abstract portrait of coiling dragons and a tall dragonic knight statue before reaching Wyvern. The reptilian reporter grins as he stares down at a wide floor mattress that could easily seat an aged geld dragon, marveling at the dragonic scale patterns of the pillow casing. He hisses to a news troglyodyte carrying a notepad and a quill, who proceeds to scribble Wyvern’s thoughts down hastily.

 

“Oh, and that serpentine dragon vasssse over there, ask her if there’re any Almost Dragonic Brand productsss she’d like to trade it in for. Ditto for that dragon scale scratcher hanging in the back. And thisss hoarding space, I need to know if it’s up for rent.” Wyvern pauses and turns as he spots the news cameras. He lifts a claw to one of his horns. “Ah, greetingsss, and welcome to this week’sss Almost Report. Join usss as we search through dragonqueen’s quarters, which are probably about as dragonic as this Almost Report’ll ever get. Impresssive considering that thisss queen is human, not to mention a ssstarving artist of sortsss.”

 

Wyvern moves towards the spacious center of the room as his news troglyodyte assistant continues scribbling words at an alarming rate. The cameras follow Wyvern’s tail as it swooshes over the “Designated Hoarding Zone” tag neatly etched in the fine wooden floor. The cameraas then move upwards, following Wyvern’s beady stare to get a full visual of the giant red dragon mural depicted on the ceiling.

 

“We need the name of that artissst, plus we need to dig up an Almost Dragonic Brand product worthy of trading for that sssilver dragon insignia hanging over that wardrobe over there.” Wyvern licks his lips as he pulls a crumpled sheet of news items from his back pocket, then takes a moment to glance at it before hissing. “Ssspeaking of which, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to send a belated happy birthday to Vincent Silver. Long idle, but not forgotten.”

 

Wyvern glances down at the “Designated Hoarding Zone” tag again and blinks, barely resisting the urge to drop the Report right then and there in order to start counting his geld. He lets out a hiss that borders on a sigh and moves over to a miniature wine rack that rests in the corner of the room, moving his claw down the bottoms of the bottles until he pulls one out at random. He rolls his tongue out and raises the bottle to the light as he wonders if dragonqueen will miss it, only to zip his tongue back into his mouth as he notices that the vintage is listed as “Noble Knight Blood.” Wyvern goes a little green as he sets the bottle back in its proper position, praying that the wine is there for display purposes only.

 

“*Ahem* The Almost Report would alssso like to send its best belated B-day wishes to Almost Intern alum Whisky in Babylon… what I wouldn’t give for sssome real alcohol right about now.” Wyvern steps past the troglyodyte with the notepad (who is still scribbling furiously) and wanders up to an unlit fireplace, which is mounted with dragon teeth to appear like the flaming maw of a greater dragon. “A belated birthday wish also goes out to Matteo, who celebrated recently. Here’s hopin’ all you absentee Pen peeps had good ones and are holdin’ up well.”

 

Wyvern clears his throat loudly and turns away from the cameras for a moment, his “absentee” remark reminding him all too much of the Report’s CheerMynx situation and evoking more fears of generous job offers pulling the cheerline away from the Report. The troglyodyte with the notepad documents Wyvern’s sniffles on his sheet until the reptilian reporter manages to straighten his wings and stick his snout up to maintain his pride. Wyvern pulls a sheet of paper with a child-like doodles of himself and the words “Misssss U CheerMynxxx!!!” scrawled on it in crayon, then hands it to his troglyodyte assistant.

 

“Deliver thisss to CheerMynx’sss bedroom HQ would ya?” Wyvern waves a claw at the cameras to shoo them away from the sight of the picture, clearing his throat loudly as the troglyodyte continues to scribble things. “Oh, and find a trade essstimate for that mounted dragon tail replica over there. And thossse horn amulets over there, I wonder if she’d be willing to trade them for an Almost Dragonic Brand Almost Plastic Dragon Jewel Tiara.™ Oooo, and what’sss in here?”

 

Wyvern steps up to a large wooden closet with dragonic symbols etched onto its doors, and traces down them with his claws before opening the doors and sticking his snout in curiously. The overgrown gulps at the large feminine wardrobe displayed within and begins shifting through the hanging dresses one at a time, pausing ever so often as an outfit bordering on “dragonic cavern harem” catches his beady eye.

 

“Urrrmmm, maybe an essstimate on some of these sssmaller items as well…”