The Almost Report Caves in and Catches some Gelding Rays

[Wyvern]

The news camera lenses fuzz up as they adjust their focus through the waves of heat in front of them, focusing on what appears to be an exotic tropical beach complete with looming palm trees and sunlit dunes of coconut-covered sand. It takes only a few moments, however, to register that the palm trees are too static, the sand too pale, and the sunlight too artificial. The cameras begin pulling back to reveal a tropical beach backdrop set against a large sandbox, with the light provided by several glaring overheads and the heat generated through a purring heater. They pull back even further to get a fuller shot of the quarters, revealing a well-lit and well-furnished soft stone cave surrounding the various beach backdrops. The cameras pass by several bookshelves of ancient Arcana and a painting of a noble knight on horseback before spotting Wyvern, who hobbles in with a familiar tattered treasure map lifted to his snout. The overgrown lizard shuffles his way over to the sandbox, twisting his Bruteweiser cap-adorned booze bathing suit with his tail while the lights fall on the ridiculous white blotches of sun block that dot his otherwise bare scales. Wyvern crumples up his treasure map and tosses it to the side with a grumble, then adjusts the brown fishing hat hanging uselessly from one of his horns and plants his tail stinger in the sand.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almossst Report. Broadcasting to you live from Wyvageldamillionair Island, at the heart of the Great Geld Coast.” Wyvern pauses and frowns as he notices the positions of the news cameras, then hisses a sigh and seats himself on a geld-colored beach blanket. “… hosssted here at the long-abandoned living room of FrozenWombat’s luxurious Pen caves. Fortunately, despite the pennite’s nick, climate control has never been an issue around these parts.”

 

Wyvern stretches his wings stiffly and slips on a pair of Almost Dragonic Brand Beach Bikini X-Ray Spex,™ losing his balance for a moment in the ensuing darkness before striking an unstable claws up and nodding to the cameras.

 

“In current news, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to welcome back Mynx, CheerMynx and Patrick from their respective epic tripsss!” Wyvern lets out a hiss of longing as he stretches himself out over the beach blanket, letting the rays of artificial sunlight fall over his scales. “You folks should be sure to update usss pennites on all the details whenever you get a chance! Here’sss hoping that this miniature beach setting is appropriate for the occasion… I figure the firssst thing folks need after a long vacation is another long vacation, after all. Ssspeaking of which, Almost Dragonic Brand Wyvageldamillionair Island Luxury Resort Tickets™ are now available at a discounted price of 800 geld a pop. Almost Internsss get in free of charge, of course.”

 

Wyvern places his claws under his head and relaxes for a short moment, smiling at the pleasant heat of the “Sun” before the sound of a crashing wave causes the lizard to choke and quickly scramble onto his feet. The reptilian reporter’s eye dart left and right before spotting a troglyodyte holding a phonograph and an “Ocean Sounds” record.

 

“Hey, what’d I tell you about the Ocean?! No sssigns of water at this Resssort, period!”

 

Wyvern growls at the troglyodyte, who mutters an apology and stops the record. The sound man proceeds to dig through a stash of vinyl before tossing on a “Laughing Beach Bunnies Frolicking in the Sand” record in its place. Wyvern shuts his eyes and listens for a moment, then lets his forked tongue roll loose and slowly nods. He lets his nerves calm for a few minutes before seating himself back in the sand.

 

“The Almost Report would alssso like to quickly wish Gnarlitch a belated happy birthday, and would like to welcome him to the Wyvageldamillionair Resort for a ssspecial discount price of 798 geld in honor of the occasion.”

 

Wyvern reaches off-screen and grabs a tall drink with a pink umbrella sticking from it, then tilts his shades down and grins to the cameras.

 

“There're other Pen vacation spotsss, I'm sure. But jussst remember: if it ain’t Wyvageldamillionair Island, it ain’t the lasssst Resssort!”

 

With that, Wyvern breathes a hiss of relaxation and lays back on his beach blanket in the hopes of catching a little scale tan and maybe a bit of promiscuous striped fur later. He doesn’t notice the barrel of live crabs labeled “Special Effekts” that the news crew proceeds to empty into the sandbox…