The Almost Report Still Ain't Getting Any More Angelic

[Wyvern]

The Almost Report cameras focus in on the expensive black fabric of an evil genius chair, which would look perfectly evil were it not for the broken base and crooked tilt of the lounging device. The cameras pull back a bit as Wyvern steps onto the scene with a single claw lifted to the corner of his mouth, his supposed black world dominator vest looking rather uncouth in light of the extended Almost Intern absence. The reptilian reporter salutes the cameras and accidentally swaps the evil genius chair with the length of his tail, causing it to tilt to the point of completely falling off of its base. Wyvern stares at the wreck of evil furniture with a worried expression, then clears his throat and turns towards the cameras with a wide spread of his arms. The cameras pan back to reveal the large mass of screens and computer terminals that make up the central dome of Doctor Evil’s EAGLE (Evil Above Ground Lair of Evil). Wyvern takes a deep breath and lets out his best evil laugh, which ends in a hissy fit of coughing and sniffling.

 

“*Ahem* Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report’sss one time only sale on Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing Systems.™” Wyvern motions a claw towards a large screen of the EAGLE lair that appears to display the exact locations of Pen members via voice activation, then snorts and shakes his head. “Who needsss to invest in complicated multi-million geld pennite pinpointing systems when you can have it all done for a mere 80 geld by Almost Dragonic Inc?! Almost Dragonic Brand Pinpointing Systems™ are equipped with only the finessst in leftover porcupine pins, and tend to point folksss in the general direction of pennites. Voodoo magic not included or recommended. Call 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICPAYPERPIN today, and have your geld transssaction amount ready. That’s 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICPAYPERPIN – with pinsss like these, what’s the point!”

 

Wyvern turns to a billboard to demonstrate the Almost Dragonic pinpointing procedure, only to pause as a news troglyodyte approaches him with a sheet of paper in hand. Wyvern snatches up the note and skims over it, then pulls a curvy porcupine pin from his vest and tacks the note onto the board before turning back towards the cameras.

 

“Ssso, some of you may be wondering why in addition to revisiting only old pennite quarters in CheerMynx’s absence, we’ve also been focusing on ad campaignsss for these last few Reports.” Wyvern tacks up a sign for Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing Systems™ with two porcupine pins and points at it to accentuate his point. “Well, we’ve been trying to raissse geld to bump the Almost Intern Fashion Fund up a bit for CheerMynx’sss triumphant return… that is, I mean, if she hasssn’t already landed some better higher-paying gig out where she’s traveling or anything.”

 

Wyvern hisses a little sigh as he wonders if CheerMynx will remember him by the time she returns from her vacation frolics, self-evaluating his spot in her list of popular individuals and drooping his scales at the thought of being excluded from those ranks. The reptilian reporter glances in the direction of Doctor Evil’s Asylum for the Un-Criminally Sane and twists his snout as he contemplates checking himself in until the cheerline’s return.

 

“Ssspeaking of travel and raising geld, there’s a chance that yours truly may be a bit absent during the period of 7/19/08-8/2/08, though I’ll hopefully ssstill have means of commuting back over to the Keep for Reports and other financial endeavorsss.” Wyvern twiddles his claws and hisses nervously. “If a sssituation arissses where I can’t commute, jussst expect an Almost Dragonic Brand Product ad block in place of the ssscheduled news reportsss.”

 

Wyvern wipes the slightly concerned expression from his face and sneers at the cameras, turning back to the billboard and reaching into his pouch for something.

 

“But anyway, back to the more important topic at hand… Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing Systems™ function on only the finesssst in random guessing-based technology.” Wyvern pulls out a photo of a familiar-looking Kender and shuts his eyes as he tacks it to a random part of the billboard, which happens to be labeled “over thataway.” He opens his eyes and gestures at the Almost Dragonic Brand Pennite Pinpointing System™ with a grin, only to pause as he notices the figure in the photo. “Oh, and the Almost Report would also like to take a moment to wish Tasslehof a happy belated birthday. Hope ya had a nice celebration on your home planet lassst week, Tass.”

 

With that, Wyvern huddles next to the base of the billboard and grumbles something about no more Almost Intern subs, rubbing the bump on his scaly head from last week’s Kikuyu incident…