The Almost Report Goes "Au Natural" Yet Again

[Wyvern]

Ah, nature. The beautiful sound of rustling rakes as they scrape their way across the freshly cut forest clearing, the sight of the morning sunlight dancing on spots of dug up soil through the dirt-lifting cranes, the feel of the bluejays tail feathers as they brush against the camera lens, the-

 

Almost Report Episode 72, “Goes ‘Au Natural’ Yet Again”, Take-

 

“Forget about it, we don’t have time fer another take.” Wyvern grumbles and tugs on the straps of a rather dingy set of farmer overalls until they hang from the tips of his wings. He digs into his pockets and pulls out an oversized grain of wheat, placing it strategically between his teeth. “Jussst shoo off the bluejay, we gotta get on with this ad. Let’sss roll’em in five, four, three, two…”

 

Wyvern turns to the cameras just as the bluejay flutters off, striking a wide toothy grin and pulling at his overall straps with his claws. The cameras pull back a bit to reveal the clearing outside of Tanuchan’s forest cottage, which seems to have several large piles of slimy green mud scattered around it. Wyvern digs into one of his front pockets and pulls out an extra-large clothespin, which he pins over his snout before hissing:

 

“Howdy, and welcome to the Almost Report’ssss 24 hour blow-out sale on Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp!™” Wyvern gestures towards one of the piles of green muck and suppresses a grimace. He steps back as the muck seems to lunge a few inches in his direction, then clears his throat. “We’ve got ssso much Undead Fertilizer Pulp on our claws that there’s a special three-for-one deal goin on! Buy any one pile for 60 geld and get an additional two pilesss at no additional charge. We got ghoul pulp, zombie pulp, cannibal pulp, flesh-eating bacteria pulp, and good ol’ fashioned corpsy pulp. Perfect for planting dead wood, litch petunia, and carnivorous wildflower. Invessst now, and you’ll have a chance of receiving ssselect batches poked at by Venefyxatu and treaded on by Minta Rose! Quick! Call 1-900-ALMOSTDRAGONICDIRTYPRODUCTS before thisss offer decomposes today.”

 

Wyvern pauses as a troglyodyte news person steps up to him and points at a sheet of paper. Wyvern scratches his horns as he reads over the note, then nods and turns to the cameras.

 

“Now, sssome of you may be wondering why the Almost Report has been revisiting old Pen quarters recently, rather than tackling new pennite quarters as has generally been the tradition on our program.” Wyvern tears up the note and sprinkles it into a pile of flesh-eating bacteria pulp, causing it to bubble. “Well, the anssswer is simple: we don’t want to exclude CheerMynx from any of our explorations of fresh pennite lodgingsss, and figure that it’sss better to be fashionably late than unfashionably on time. And besidesss, Tanuchan was so receptive of the Report lassst time we were here that we figured this’d be the perfect ssspot to plug Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp™ at!”

 

Wyvern points to a pile of pulp again with a grin, only to pause as he notices something laying on the grass next to one of the lumps of ghoulish fertilizer. The overgrown lizard kneels down and picks up a golden brown leaf from the otherwise fertile field, sniffing at it and pulling a lock of orange fur from it before identifying it as a remnant from one of CheerMynx’s outfits. He lets his tongue roll loose as he stuffs the artifact into his pocket before continuing:

 

“In other promotional news, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to congratulate Hjolnai, Ciri, and Sir Walnut Reginold Troubled Clamsap on their recent Pen promotionsss!” Wyvern claps his claws and lets out a cheerful hiss as two troglyodytes pass by tossing “10% off discount” confetti. “The three of y’all can come on down and claim yerssselves some Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp™ complimentsss of the house! A 10 geld surtax will ssstill apply, of course.”

 

Wyvern rubs his claws together and gestures to the cameras, wandering past two slimy piles of pulp and arriving at what appears to be a tall stack of prosthetic limbs and arms. The overgrown lizard taps the stack with one of his claws to make sure that it’s sturdy, then flashes an extra-wide grin at the cameras, snipping the grain of wheat with his razor sharp teeth in the process.

 

“Thossse who can’t stand the smell of Almost Dragonic Brand Bloody Undead Fertilizer Pulp™ should also be sure to try this Almost Dragonic Brand Chopped Prosthetic Fertilizer Pulp,™ perfect for planting plastic daisies and sssuch. At only 100 geld a pile, you can’t lose.” Wyvern tugs one of the prosthetic arms loose from the pile, only to stare at the ground as a single crow feather falls from the heap and lands in the grass of the clearing. Wyvern scratches his chin for a moment, then snaps a claw. “Oh, and a happy belated to Nyyark, who’ll receive a 25% dissscount on said Prosthetic Fertilizer Pulp in honor of the occasion.”

 

Wyvern sneers and strikes a claws up, then mumbles something about possible Almost Intern subbing and stares off into the distance in the hopes of spotting a willing candidate…

[Kikuyu_Black_Paws]

Kikuyu leapt from tree to tree, taking a willing break from fighting. The feel of the wind in her hair was so refreshing, so relaxing. She half-closed her eyes as she took another leap...

 

Her feet shot out from underneath her as her extra-cling ninja sandals slipped on something with a squelch. Kikuyu yelped and went flying into a clearing, landing in a large pile of something wet, squishy, and so foul-smelling...yes, it was somehow familiar...it had to be...

 

Kikuyu stood up with a gasp for breath, covered from head to toe in green zombie ooze. Supressing a horrified shudder, Kikuyu tried to flick some of the slime from her hand. Her eyes roamed about the clearing, to fall, and remain, on an overalled Almost Dragon Elder...

 

"You!" Kikuyu whispered vindictively. She took a threatening step forward, reaching into one of her pouches for something to inflict as much pain as possible in a short amount of time...

 

Her hand found only slime-covered, completely ineffective throwing stars, their perfect aerodynamics thrown out the window. Kikuyu stared at the slime in horror, lifting her eyes again to Wyvern. The Almost Dragon shifted nervously-- all of his minions had disappeared. "Ooohhhh..." the ninja whispered. "You didn't..." The netting of her outfit hadn't protected her from the slime and she oozed uncomfortably with every step.

 

Kikuyu advanced, her slime-lank hair giving her smeared face a distinctively "grudge"-ish look. She cracked her knuckles with a grin. "Well then, Wyvern," she said. "One for the camera, eh?"

Edited July 9, 2008 by Kikuyu Black Paws