The Almost Report Sees its Cheerline Off in Style

[Wyvern]

The news cameras slowly fade into a visual of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which seems to be a cluttered mess of open bags, open maps, open suitcases, and open clothing drawers. The only thing missing from the quarters is some open space. The cameras briefly swoosh over a shot of a sparkly “Bon Voyage CheerMynx” sign hanging from the ceiling before focussing on a poster for the Manly Wanderlusterers near the Almost Intern’s bed. The elven hunks depicted on the poster are naked save for a lengthy map that covers their privates, and seem to be lifting their silver compasses to their faces like portable mirrors. The news cameras turn at the sound of shuffling bags in the background, only to focus on Wyvern as he shifts his way through the open doorway of the bedroom and gets a foot stuck in one of the open sacks of pompoms. The overgrown lizard adjusts the open collar of his gray construction worker’s uniform and brushes the sweat from his forehead with a claw, then shakes the sack from his foot in a flurry of pink cheerleader accessories.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the latest Almost Report. As you can probably see, we’re currently in the processs of helping CheerMynx pack for her imminent vacation… we figure that it’ll take at least a week to forklift all this stuff out of her quartersss, so we’ve been planning accordingly.” Wyvern hisses a sigh under his breath and brushes a clingy mini-pompom from his shoulder. “Jussst in cassse you haven’t heard, Mynx and CheerMynx are taking advantage of their newfound eyesight by taking a tour of distant lands in July. Midwestern Pen members may wish to check the cheerline’s travel plans to see if she’ll be passing through your neck of the woodsss, though be warned that she’s pretty booked at this point. You can contact her or Peredhil if you think they might be passing through your area and would like to meet up. Anyway, I’m sure I speak for many pennitesss in wishing CheerMynx a sssafe and joyous voyage, and personally I couldn’t be happier for her.”

 

Wyvern accentuates his statement with a grin that looks somewhat cheerful, but seems weighted down by the thought of cheerline’s absence and the fear that she might find a better reporting gig somewhere in a distant land. The overgrown lizard clears his throat loudly and turns away from the cameras before they can get a clear shot of his eyes as he struggles to maintain his dignity. He pulls out his Fake Tear Tissue and sniffles into it for a moment before clapping his claws together and turning back to the cameras, his scaly cheeks more teary now than when he’d begun cleaning them off.

 

“Sssspeaking of going places, pennites interested in outsourcing their writing and making a paid profession of it should be certain to look into Salinye’s organization Content Divas.” Wyvern reaches down and picks up a book entitled “Gelding on the Road” before tossing it into one of the open suitcases. “I fully endorssse Salinye’s endeavorsss, as does Tzimfemme, and the business seemsss like an excellent opportunity for pennites who’d eventually like to make a career of their writing to get a foot in the door. And that goes for all you Pen lurkersss as well!”

 

Wyvern nods to the cameras, then hop, skips and hobbles through the maze of large bags until he passes into Mynx’s main living room, which is every bit as cluttered and messy as CheerMynx’s bedroom and even features some of the cheerline’s stylized items mixed in and scattered about. Wyvern pauses as he shuffles through some loose articles of clothing with his feet, making his way over to a large chest that rests near the center of the room.

 

“Ssspeaking of Salinye, pennites should also check out the most recent life question in the Cabaret, which deals with the feeling of comfort.” Wyvern raises a brow as he lifts an extremely tight-looking bright purple mini-skirt from the floor with his tail stinger, suddenly wondering how much attention CheerMynx typically pays to comfort. “Don’t forget to include Almost Dragonic Brand Bruteweiser Bottle Pillows™ in your list of comforting thingsss… 99.99 geld, cheap.”

 

Wyvern scrunches his wings up and squeezes his way between two suitcases that stand about a foot over his head, barely fitting through the narrow opening and dragging along some unpacked garments with his tail stinger in the process. The reptilian reporter breathes a sigh of relief once he makes it to the other side of the suitcases, only to frown at the obstacle course of bags that remain before reaching the large chest standing at the center of the room. He stares up at the walls of Mynx’s room with a sigh, only to pause as he notices that the weapons arranged over them are still in a perfect neat and tidy order. He scratches his chin as he examines one of finer katanas on display from a distance.

 

“The Almost Report would alssso like to take this opportunity to wish Gyrfalcon a belated happy birthday.” Wyvern ceases focusing on the katana and begins jumping between different bags, moving closer and closer to the chest at the center of the room. “An Almost Dragonic Brand Home Makeover Incantation Kit™ isss on its way to the half-elven warrior's quarters. Here’sss hoping ya had a great one, Gyr.”

 

Wyvern grunts as he begins climbing up the chest at the center of the room, slipping and crashing a few times and generally flailing about until he finally positions himself at the top. The news cameras take positions on top of a set of large duffle bags to get a clearer view of the almost dragon.

 

“To wrap up thisss news segment, the Almost Report is searching for a possible part time Almost Intern to sub on the Report during the dates of CheerMynx’s absence. Qualifications: must be cute, female, willing to wear skimpy and attractive garments, and enthusssiastic about the Report. Love of wyverns preferred, but on the spot training is available.” Wyvern tugs at his workman’s shirt collar and brushes his scales back for a moment, then gets on his hands and tail and pleads. “The datesss that subs are needed for are the weeks of 6/30/08, 7/7/08, and 7/14/08. Pleassse PM yoursss truly if you’re interested. Pleeeeeaaaaaasssse?”

[CheerMynx]

"Wyyyyyyyvie!" CheerMynx's voice startled the Almost Dragon, causing him to slip and fall from the chest.

Landing with a loud crash, Wyvern blinked dazedly at the geld bags and CheerMynx cheerline squad that danced around his head.

The dancing figments were soon dissipated as CheerMynx's own paws came to a halt in front of Wyvern's snout.

"Like, what're you doing in Mynx's room?"

Glancing upwards, the Almost Dragon's eyes crossed at the view of the Almost Intern's legs before drifting up to her outfit: a pair of denim short shorts and a loose off-the-shoulder jumper. Realising he was gaping, Wyvern closed his jaw with a snap before he sat up quickly and brushed himself off.

"Err, I was jusssst..." Wyvern looked around the room desperately for inspiration. "Checking for errant pompoms?"

"Ohmygawd PLEASE don't tell me I've lost one again!" CheerMynx let out a wail and rushed back to her room, leaving Wyvern to follow in her wake while the camera crew scrambled to catch up.

"Uhhh, CheerMynx? How many days are you going for again?" Wyvern asked while he looked at the room full of bags, CheerMynx rushing from one to the other and rummaging through them. The cheeline brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked up in confusion.

"Three weeks, why?"

"How...much clothing are you planning to take?"

"Okay I KNOW it totally looks like more than I'll need but I gotta like take into account the weather and the location and what I'll be doing and I TOTALLY can't be seen in the same outfit twice and..."

CheerMynx's eyes went wide.

"OhmyGAWD I still have an exam to study for!"

Lunging for her study desk, CheerMynx began throwing things wildly as she searched for the notes she needed, gibbering something about western spaghetti and Spaniards. A stray textbook knocked the Gaffer unconscious, and Wyvern barely ducked in time to avoid what looked like a biology textbook.

His eye catching the camera, the Almost Dragon coughed and grinned weakly.

"Perhapsss we should leave CheerMynx to her own devicess...just until she...err....calms down..."

Wyvern would have said more, but at that point he was...introduced to the second edition of the textbook he'd successfully dodged a moment before.

*ker-THUD*