The Almost Report Window Shops till Wyvern Drops

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on and focus in on a video store’s front window display of “Whisp Purrs: the Best of CheerMynx,” which consists of a cardboard cut-out CheerMynx balancing several copies of the Dirty Vile Disc on pompoms that rest in front of her chest. The cameras pan out a bit as Wyvern barges up to the display with a loud string of curses, his claws, arms, shoulders, horns and tail stinger all loaded with large shopping bags filled with various articles of CheerMynx’s choosing. The overgrown lizard taps at the window in disbelief and hisses, then storms into the front entrance of the store with a swish of his heavy undergarment-bag-laden tail. The cameras follow Wyvern’s course through the window as he tears down the “Whisp Purrs” display and curses out the orcish owner of the store, rattling on about how the Dirty Vile Discs are defective and permanently recalled. The overgrown lizard eventually exits the store with a box full of Dirty Vile Discs weighing down on his already loaded arms. He grunts and passes the box to a troglyodyte off-screen before turning and grinning towards the cameras.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern adjusts the shopping bags hanging from his scales so that they look vaguely symmetrical in front of his Hawaiian T-shirt. He ignores the sound of the box-lugging trodlyodyte falling over in the background and strikes a claws up. “We’re taking a break from our regular Pen quarter surroundings today to report to you live from the sssstore front of Orcy’s Prime Roast Video, located here in CheerMynx’s favorite shopping dissstrict, the Fairy Fall Mall at Pixie Peak.”

 

Wyvern pauses for a moment to scoop up a stray copy of one of his DVDs from the ground, then stuffs it into his back pocket and signals to the camera crew as he begins wandering off-screen. The angle of the cameras shifts to reveal a bustling mall corridor filled with extra-glamorous fashion boutiques and cutting edge crystal ball outlets amongst other stores. The cameras follow Wyvern’s stilted walk as he juggles loaded shopping bags from one arm to another in a futile effort to achieve comfort.

 

“We’re hitting the Fairy Fall Mall today to celebrate CheerMynx’s ressstored eyesight with a bit of window shopping… though the shopping ssspree that’s followed is threatening to make some sorta Pen spending record.” Wyvern sighs and stares up at the sky as he contemplates what sort of schemes he could have executed with those few Reports worth of fashion savings, then grumbles and stares back towards the cameras. “Degorram’s posssition on the Report is currently being debated since an eyesight minion is no longer necessary, though the first order of busssiness is obviously to save her from the Necromancer who’s kidnapped her. Ssspeaking of which, it’s never too late to join the Pen’s battle against undead invaders. Check the Conservatory strategy room and sign up today.”

 

Wyvern pauses as he passes by a boar burger stand and sniffs at the air for a moment, scratching his scaly chin over the scent and frowning at the lack of curly onion cheese doodles on the overhead menu display. The reptilian reporter continues sniffing at the air as he wanders onward, eventually coming to a halt when he reaches an “Adopt a Mythical Pet” shop. He stares at the live bunny hopping in the window for a moment and hisses:

 

“In belated Pen birthday newsss, the Almost Report would like to send its best birthday wishes to Canid, who celebrated the occasion somewhere out in the Pen wilderness last week.” Wyvern watches the bunny hop and wonders if the store might offer the service of dipping live animals in frosting and branding them with a “Happy Birthday” iron. He tilts his snout up as he notices a raven in the upper-righthand corner of the window display, and goes glum when the bunny and the raven start talking to each other in haughty high-elven accents, mythical creatures that they are. “Err, the Almost Report would also like to send its belated birthday wishes to Falcon2001, whose B-day was lost somewhere in the huge number of festivities last week. Belated, but not forgotten… here’s lookin at you, Falc!”

 

The cameras follow Wyvern as he wanders off from the store, ignoring the yelled adoption advertisements of the bunny and the raven as they fade from view. The overgrown lizard slows his step as he passes by a store filled with fancy grandfather clocks, glancing at the display.

 

“The Almost Report would also like to extend its memorial birthday wishes to Xaious, who passed on the other year but whose spirit livesss on in every ticking minute.” Wyvern’s eyes widen as he notices the positions of the hour and minute hands of the clocks in the store window, then clutches his shopping bag load tightly to his scales and begins dashing off in a speedy hobble. “Hurry guys, we’re gonna be late for meeting CheerMynx!”

 

The cameras speed forward, wobbling and weeving as they follow Wyvern’s crooked course through the mall. They continue tailing the lizard as he races into a clothing outlet called “Dress Less for More,” and finally come to a halt as they find the lizard panting for breath at a waiting area outside of the women’s dressing room. Wyvern sets a few of CheerMynx’s shopping bags down for a moment to try and compose himself, brushing the scales back on his head, nervous about keeping his cool in the cheerline’s presence. He bites his lip and twiddles his claws, wondering how much more CheerMynx will notice his reactions to her outfits now that her eyesight is restored…

[CheerMynx]

“Wyvie!” CheerMynx’s voice trilled from behind the curtain of the dressing room. “Like, you out there?”

“Uh, one sec,” Wyvern successfully untangled himself from the shopping bags and leapt to attention as best he could. “What’sss up, CheerMynx?”

 

Something pink went flying over the top of the curtain, landing on the Almost Dragon’s head and getting tangled in his horns. Pulling it free, Wyvern looked at the garment in confusion before he realised it to be a dress. One that looked like it had been made from a small pillowcase, but a dress nonetheless.

 

“Could you, like, find that in a size 0 Wyvie? The 2’s a bit big”

“Uhhhh,” Wyvern’s jaw hung slack as his mind tried to picture a smaller version of the scrap of material in his hands.

“Yeah, you’re right, I probably totally don’t need it.”

With a ‘ssshhhk’, CheerMynx pulled open the curtain and posed.

 

“Like, whaddaya think?” the cheerline was dressed in an almost identical version of the dress Wyvern was still holding, except this one was in two pieces – showing off a vast amount of furred midriff – and trimmed in gold.

Wyvern could only croak slightly, his expression similar to one of a person who had been hit in the head with a frying pan. Giggling at his expression, CheerMynx did a twirl in the new outfit.

 

“You totally like it then? Awesome!” Without bothering to change, CheerMynx bounded to the counter and paid for the outfit with an Almost Dragonic Brand Company Credit Card™ that was looking worse for wear after the day’s exploits.

 

The purchase completed, CheerMynx bounded out the door and continued to wander the mall, talking constantly as Wyvern trailed behind her, once more burdened by the shopping bags.

 

“So, like, we need to figure out what you’re gonna do while I’m away on my vacation,” CheerMynx was too busy looking around and enjoying her newfound vision to notice the Almost Dragon droop at the reminder. “So does that mean you wanna get Dego to fill in for me? Although I guess she’s totally kinda busy at the moment...BUNNIES!”

 

CheerMynx came to a halt as her wanderings took her back to the “Adopt a Mythical Pet” shop, her eyes growing large and dewy as she saw the rabbit in the shop window.

“It’s just so a-DOR-able!” she squealed, her gleeful cry drawing the storeowner out of the shop.

 

“I’m glad you think so, Miss, perhaps you’d be interested in adopting it?” He glanced at Wyvern, laden down with the bags. “Perhaps we could organise a discount if you were willing to trade in your pet carrier dragon?”

[Wyvern]

“Trade in Wyvie?” A puzzled expression came over CheerMynx’s face, followed by a hint of a frown. “Like, why would I wanna do that?”

 

“Well Miss, I’m glad you should ask that question.” The hobbit storeowner stepped forward with a winning barterer’s grin. “You see, a specimen such as yours could be traded for many a-“

 

“That doessss it!” Wyvern fumed as he set a few of the huge shopping bags down, careful with the size 2 pink pillowcase dress he had purchased given the circumstances under which it had landed in his claws. The overgrown lizard took another deep whiff of the dress before tucking it away and turning to the storekeep with a scowl. “I’ll have ya know that that’sss my Brand of Company Credit Card that your client’sss holding there! Besssidesss, does this shirt look to you like something a pet would wear? Huh? Does it?”

 

The hobbit stared at Wyvern with a slightly confused look, uncertain of how to respond.

 

“OK… fine, forget that quessstion.” Wyvern grumbled and fumbled for his Devil’s Advocate folder, pulling out a blank sheet of paper and holding it up to show off his credentials. “But I still demand an apology!”

 

“Oh I’m terribly sorry for the mistake sir. It won’t happen again.” The ever-persistent storeowner hesitantly extended a parchment in Wyvern’s direction. “But if you should ever want to sign yourself up for adoption, we could really use a-“

 

“Forget about it!” Wyvern threw his arms up in the air and slammed his tail down in an angry jerk, then shook his head and snatched the shopping bags back into his claws. “C’mon CheerMynxie, we’re leaving.”

 

“But Wyv, the cute lil adorable bunnies..."

 

"We can ssseek out bunnies later, I think thessse 58 bags are enough for now." Wyvern stormed out of the "Adopt a Mythical Pet" shop with the bags dangling in every direction from his scales, grunting and hobbling under their weight. The overgrown lizard cursed to himself as one of the many bags attached to his horns fell to the mall floor in the rush, and stopped with a roll of his neck. "Jussst a second, I got it."

 

Wyvern stooped over to gather up the contents of the dropped bag and reload it, only to go bug-eyed at the wide arrangement of women's underwear and exotic lingerie scattered on the floor. He continued staring for a long moment before slowly reaching out for a set of pink panties with a trembling claw, his tongue rolling from his mouth at the soft lacey feel of the fabric. The reptilian reporter's "hard work" was eventually interrupted by CheerMynx's voice.

 

"Oooohhh! Is this like, that movie thing?"

 

Wyvern dropped a particularly see-through set of lingerie and turned to face CheerMynx. His scales drooped a bit as he noticed her holding the "Whisp Purrs: Best of CheerMynx" DVD that had been jutting from his back pocket in her paws.

 

"This looks soooo neat Wyv, like where'd you get the tail pic?"

 

"Eheheh, yeah looksss cool doesn't it? But ummm, I kinda need it back... y'see, there're some defects and it's not meant to be available and-"

 

"Awwwww." CheerMynx pressed the DVD to her chest defensively, inadvertently testing the limits of the gold-trimmed pillowcase top against her cleavage. "Can't I watch for just a little bit?"

 

"Um." Wyvern scratched the back of one of his horns, trying to pull his eyes away from the finer regions of the cheerline's fur. "no...?"

 

"Pllleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssse?" CheerMynx pursed her paws together over the DVD case and looked at him with eyes verging on sadness, her tail position inching the lower half of her dress up ever so slightly. "It totally has my name on it and everything..."

 

"Well..." Wyvern, having barely managed to resist the qualities of the cheerline's outfit, finally caved in at the sight of CheerMynx's eyes. She'd flashed him sweet and irresistible looks in the past, but her eyes were even cuter now in their natural silvery hue. "I guesss maybe you could rent it for one or two viewingsss before I dessstroy it or something..."