The Almost Report Whisp Purrs to its Favorite Almost Intern

[Wyvern]

The Pen news cameras slowly fade into a visual of CheerMynx’s quarters, which have been decked out with “Happy Birthday” flyers and colorful balls of yarn. Little kitten minions with birthday bow ties roll around and play in a Wyvern-safe pen in the corner of the room, and a poster for the Candle Robber Macho Sprites rests taped to a wall in all its mini-mohawk sporting glory. The most notable element of the room is a large projector screen that covers the entire wall opposite of CheerMynx’s bed, which combined with several poorly positioned speakers makes for an unprofessional movie theatre type set-up. CheerMynx’s mattress and blankets have name tags attached to them to indicate theatre seating arrangements, though they could also easily be mistaken for an elaborately planned post-kegger party activity…

 

“Greetingsss, yes right this way, welcome to the Almost Report.” The cameras turn to the image of Wyvern, who is ushering staunch troglyodyte and goblin film critics into the room and directing them to their seats. The overgrown lizard breaths a giddy hiss and brushes down the dark coffee-stained director’s sweatshirt that clings to his scales, tilting the fedora that hangs from one of his horns and turning towards the cameras. “Tonight, we're bringing you a ssspecial Almost Intern B-day Edition of the Report. Happy Birthday, CheerMynx! Be sssure to check out the feline festivities for Mynx and CheerMynx in the Cabaret Room if ya haven’t done so, and ssstay tuned to this Report for a special screening of a new Almost Dragonic Brand Dirty Vile Disc™ in honor of the occasion.”

 

Wyvern lifts a crooked DVD case that has a picture of a tiger tail curled into a heart formation on it, along with the words “sizzling,” “scintillating,” and “all real fur” highlighted in oversized exclamation boxes. He points at the DVD and strikes a sleazy salesman grin, turning to the audience of critics as the cameras pan out for a wider visual of the bedroom theatre.

 

“’Whisp Purrs: the Best of CheerMynx’ is a sssexy and ssssensual documentation of some of the hottest highlights of CheerMynx’s Almost Interning. Specifically targeted towards CheerMynx wardrobe fanboys such as myssself, the DVD was filmed using my very own hidden camcorder.” Wyvern reaches into the sleeve of his sweatshirt and pulls out a tiny camera with a toothy grin. “It featuresss classic examples of CheerMynx’s allure, including the golden two piece, the Faye pirate white attire, the Valentine’s special, and who could forget the classsic succubi imitation garb? It even featuresss a few close-up shotsss, courteousy of the infamous Wrenwind bed curtain incident! Due to the high demand for CheerMynx-related product, the DVDs will be sold at 500 geld a pop… all of which will go into the Almost Intern Fashion Fund for future marketing endeavorsss.”

 

Wyvern grins and claps his claws together, then pockets the crooked Dirty Vile Disc and takes a seat in the front row, next to a spot reserved for “CM.”

 

“The screening of ‘Whisp Purrs’ will begin after the following advertisement.”

 

The lights of the bedroom theatre go low as the projector screen begins playing a shaky black-and-white war film reel, detailing marching zombies and an evil necromancer type raising his hand and commanding them onward. The screen flashes a brief shot of Degorram caged in the necromancer’s little kidnapping box, then flashes the words:

 

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The Pen needs YOU to battle the necromantic threat! Join the Pen brigade today! Battle alongside friends in arms, see exciting new undead places, discuss strategies in the brigade’s newly built planning room. Be a Hero – be a Pennite.

 

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The advertisement flashes the image of a rubber chicken blowing a bugle horn and then flickers to black, leaving the crowd in darkness for a few minutes.

 

“And now, our Feature Presentation.”

 

Wyvern licks his lips and gibbers excitedly to himself, nudging a nearby goblin critic and whispering “Thisss is gonna be gooood.” He cackles to himself and rubs his claws together as the title screen comes up and cheesy 80s synth music begins playing in the background. He freezes and gawks in horror, however, as the first scene of the movie starts playing. The entirety of the screen is suddenly filled with an image of Wyvern’s face… and hardly a flattering one at that. Drool is dripping from the lizard’s mouth and his eyes are all googly and out of sync, clearly occupied with greater things beyond the camera. A collective grumbling begins rising from the crowd of critics as Wyvern jumps to his feet and raises his claws, standing in front of the screen.

 

“N-now w-w-wait a minute, thisss is clearly a technical difficulty of some sort. Don’t leave yer ssseats, just wait till the next scene.”

 

As if on cue, the next scene starts playing, revealing another image of Wyvern’s face, this one looking even more smitten with a huge dumb grin and nostrils that are practically blowing off steam. The lizard’s tongue rolls out on the screen as the speakers are filled with the sound of his heavy breathing.

 

“Eheheheh. Guess I musta been holding the camera the wrong way…” Wyvern cringes and raises a claw to his horns, blushing and staring at the ground in a sheepish manner. He stammers as some critics begin booing while others start leaving their seats. “J-jusst a second, I’ll stop the DVD, we can talk thisss over.”

 

Wyvern pulls out a remote control and hits the “Stop” button, only to curse to himself as he finds that the Almost Dragonic Brand Dirty Vile Disc™ is defective and unresponsive to the commands of the control. The lizard groans as another scene starts up, the screen displaying an embarrassing close-up image of him panting like a dog with his eyes bugging out. Wyvern slaps a claw on his forehead and sinks back into his seat, drooping his head and trying to ignore the giggling of the few critics who’ve decided to stick around...

[CheerMynx]

“WYVIEWYVIEWYVIEWYVIEWYVIE!” CheerMynx’s voice increased in volume rapidly as the Almost Intern came racing into the room, bypassing all the critics as she threw herself exuberantly into the Almost Dragon’s arms.

“I CAN SEE!” the cheerline’s voice reached ear splitting volumes as she grinned hugely at Wyvern, her eyes returned to the bright silver they had been before the accident.

Wyvern gaped at CheerMynx and her exuberant greeting.

“Uh, th-that’s fantassstic CheerMynxie! Did Mynx finally figure out a counterssspell?”

“No! It was the Other Guy!” CheerMynx giggled. “He dropped by and gave me a kiss and then he disappeared but I CAN SEE!”

“Kiss?” Wyvern’s voice was suddenly very small as the cheerline bounded out of his arms and turned her attention to the screen.

“Like, what’s this? A movie?”

[Wyvern]

"Errr, you mean the stuff on that projector ssscreen?" Wyvern grabs the remote and presses the stop button four more times, growling to himself and almost snapping the remote in half as it continues to do nothing. He raises a claw and almost hisses up a fib about a multi-million geld face-making contest, but then sighs and decides to be straight with his Almost Intern on her birthday. "It'ssss just a coupla recordings I took from the Almost Report. Ssspeakin o' which..."

 

Wyvern hops to his feet and stands beside CheerMynx for a moment, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her in the direction of the seated critics.

 

"Ladiesss and gentlemen, the ssstar of the evening, CheerMynx!"

 

The three troglyodyte critics remaining in the room applaud as Wyvern directs CheerMynx to her reserved spot on the bed. The overgrown lizard raises a scaly brow as he notices the Almost Intern's odd outfit, which consists of a combo of tight jeans with a pink dress covering them, along with a homely sweatshirt that's on backwards and completely uncoordinated with the lower half of the unrevealing outfit. There's even a comb still sticking from the cheerline's half-done hair. Wyvern snorts and scratches his horns over how CheerMynx could have chosen such a mess of an outfit after regaining her sight, crossing his claws and praying that it was due to her thoughtless excitement rather than a loss of all fashion sense. He seats himself next to her and promptly cringes at the sight of the current drooling Wyvern face that fills the screen.

 

"Here, wear thessse." Wyvern pulls out a pair of Almost Dragonic Brand 3D Sunglasses™, guaranteed to block out the images on the screen in three dimensions. "They'll make this movie ssssooo much better."