The Death of Rats Posted May 15, 2008 Report Share Posted May 15, 2008 Bertice Small and Bertice Tall Father, I shoot with my hand Father, I kill with my gun Father, I cannot remember Bertice Fat and Bertice Thin Lady of the dark and light The wild and desolation fuels my yearning for your touch Bertice, Bertice Round again I am gunslinger I am ashes I am pillar I am vessel I am warrior I am lion I am child I am enovy The stories are alive again Thru unimagined subtle source As should and shall be evermore Rejoice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Interesting imagery and collages of thought here, Death of Rats. :-) The Bertrce lines made me think of musical refrains (particularly "Bertice, Bertice Round Again"), while the "As should and shall be evermore" and "Rejoice" lines gave off a sort of religious undertone. The "I am gunslinger" line that kicked off the two "I am" stanzas also felt vaguely anime-ish, and seemed to connect with the shooting references of the second stanza. Should you ever choose to revise or expand this poem, I think my recommendation would be to place more of a focus on one of the subjects of the poem. The narrator/gunslinger, Bertice, and the stories are all interesting elements, but emphasizing one of the three without losing the others might give the poem a stronger direction. Anyway, still a very interesting read with some cool uses of structure and imagery. Thanks for sharing it, Grim Squeaker. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 (edited) The rat in black fled across the verses and the gunslinger followed. An allegory of stories ran together in his mind, forming into fragmented structures only his weathered mind would ever be able to form into a whole. It would make one wonder if the world moving on might have been a good thing. It would make one wonder if the sandblasted figure remembered the face of his father. It would make one force one's brain into seeing the pattern, into enforcing what the human mind thinks of as logic, onto something so ephemeral as the gunslinger's mind, like seeing faces in the planks, like seeing animals in the clouds. But he who seeks sense with his brain has forgotten the face of his father. Edited May 23, 2008 by Mardrax Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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