The Almost Report, Like, Totally fools ya!

[CheerMynx]

The camera crackles and comes to life, focusing on a backdrop that, if properly lit, would reveal the work of a terrible (or perhaps blind) artist. As it was, the backdrop was hidden in shadows, giving the vaguest impression of a castle dungeon. Golden-coated chocolate geld littered the set, glittering in the dim light and adding to the atmosphere of...what one who knew nothing about Almost Dragons would assume an Almost Dragon's home to look like.

A strange, high pitched snicker was heard off-screen, causing the camera to swing as it brought its host into focus.

The figure stood with oversized foam gloves and slippers designed to look like a dragon's claws over its own paws. A matching spiked tail and grinning dragon's head that showed two pairs of familiar eyes through the mask's jaws completed the ensemble. Well. Except for the spray painted bat wings and leather body suit.

The resulting effect was as if Barny the Dinosaur had gone on a diet and joined some kind of strange cult...

"Like, greetingsss," the Almost an Almost Dragon giggled.

"Welcome to a very special April Fool's News report! I hope all of you guys 'n' gals are totally enjoying the chance to cause all kind of havoc without, like, getting into too much trouble!"

The figure turned abruptly to pick up some cue cards off a nearby table, obliviously knocking over a lamp with its oversized tail in the process.

Turning back to face the camera, a telltale giggle erupted from the dragon's mouth before the AlmostAlmostDragon composed herself and began to read from the first card.

"Firssst up, like, we totally have some birthday wishes for a bunch of really awesome Pennites! Like, Happy Birthday to Gryphon, Mylo and Reverie! And I hear there's a certain wolf with a birthday coming up this week too..."

Sadly, the exuberant grin and wink was lost beneath the cheap foam mask.

"Um, like, in other news..." As the figure went to reshuffle the cards, the giant foam gloves caused them to go flying everywhere.

"Oh ssshoot," bending down, the AlmostAnAlmostDragonIfYou'reReallyMaybeDrunk began to try and pick up the cards from the floor, completely unaware that the foam tail had become stuck in one of the lamps, heating up until it slowly caught fire at the tip.

The AlmostAnImposterButNowLookingLikeAPoke'MonDragon paused in their scrambling to sniff suspiciously at the air.

"Like, what's that smell?"

[Wyvern]

"Oooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooooh!"

 

The cameras linger on the AlmostDragon-a-Like's burning tail for a minute longer before wobbling in the direction of the starstruck cries of delight. They freeze as they spot a figure kneeling on the ground and picking up the gold-coated chocolate one piece at a time, with a new exuberant cry of glee for each coin discovered. The cameras back up a little as the figure rises from the floor, then back up a lot after making out the figure's physical characteristics. Bright red pompoms dot two spots on the figure's head, and two larger neon orange pompoms are clutched where the figure's claws would be while a tiny crimson pompom rests at the end of the figure's scaly tail. Speaking of scales, the figure's scales are dotted in patterns of black and orange in a manner that forms makeshift stripes, and seem to be a little too copious and visible for comfort. This is in large part due to the skimpy outfit the figure sports, which consists of a two-piece checkered jester's garment, with tight spandex shorts that show the shapes of the scales beneath (amongst other things) and a skimpy threaded sash tied around what appear to be two white volleyballs that rest suspended in front of the figures chest.

 

"Ooooh! Ooooh!" The ChWyeerline pockets a final gold-coated coin, then perks up and smiles toothily in the show host's direction. "Ohmigod I am sssssssooo sssssorry I'm late! I saw all these shiny gold coins to pick up, and then Lizzy wanted to make them into glitter, but Trogloditta and Goblecha wanted earings and I just thought they'd make a nice necklace but like I needed threads n'ssstuff. Anyway, I got thisss outfit special for the Report, waddaya think?"

 

Chyverynx hisses flirtatiously and raises an orange pompom to a cheap blond wig to show off the outfit, causing half of the troglyodyte news crew to abandon ship in the process. A tiny eyesight salamander peeks its head from between the chest volleyballs as CheerWynx skips past a departing makeup troglyodyte and comes to a stop next to the Almost Almost Dragonic host, giggling all the while.

 

"Aaannnnyyyyyway, I just wanna like send my best wishes to Reverie n' Gryphon! Everyone should like, totally party for'em and send'em your best. The two of you can come down to the Report for one free Almost Dragonic Brand Personal Cheerleader Pay Performance Voucher™ each." WyveerMynx's eyes suddenly widen at the sight of the burning Almost an Almost Dragon tail, and the salamander ducks into the two volleyballs for safety. "I-in fact, I'll uhhh, like totally demonstrate a personal performance right now. Totally."

 

The Almost Almost Intern flails his orange pompoms at the fire while shaking some scaly rump for the unfortunate remainder of the troglyodyte camera crew to see. The pompoms manage to douse the tail flames to a non-dangerous state, but not before lighting on fire themselves.

 

"Like, I also wanna totally give my best wishes to Tanny! I have a free Almost Dragonic Brand Mannequin Arm Makeover Voucher™ jussst waiting for you down here at the Report, so come n'get it before Lizzy starts complaining about how I never handle my wolfie friends beauty needs!"

 

CheerWyv tosses the flaming pompoms to the side as they scald the crimson claws beneath them. The Almost-a-cheerline ignores the state of the cardboard backdrop as it begins to burn, and strikes another toothy grin towards the cameras.

 

"That's like a wrap and stuff. Jussst remember to totally tune in next week so you can catch more of that handsome devil Wyvern and stuff!"