The Almost Report presents Wet Dreams for Astral Appreciation

[Wyvern]

The news camera visuals go through several crooked frequencies before maintaining a focus on the walls of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which are hardly recognizable given the odd and extravagant decorations that they’ve been put through. The left half of the cheerline’s quarters is a mess of haphazard pompoms and empty booze bottles, illuminated under the blood red glow of several lava lamps assorted randomly. The right half of the Almost Intern’s quarters, on the other hand, contains only a small refrigerator adjacent to a well-organized table of diet foods and non-fat sodas. The two lonely items are lit under the pale white hue of a fluorescent light, which also highlights a plain boyband poster on the wall detailing some handsome-yet-boring elf dressed all in white. At the center of the room, CheerMynx’s bed sheets have been layered with dark fabrics, and her bedpost has been wrapped in tinfoil so that the centerpiece bears a vague resemblance to a throne. Wyvern sits cross-legged in the middle of said centerpiece, bouncing up and down a bit in excitement as he shifts a cardboard sword scabbard back and forth between his claws.

 

“Ah! Greetingsssss.” Wyvern lifts his head and grins towards the cameras, the red and white lights of the room revealing his outfit in full. The overgrown lizard’s bare chest of scales has been dyed a slightly lighter shade of red to resemble a suit of shifting red armor, and his cheeks are dotted with hand drawn scars that look suspiciously like geld doodles. Wyvern adjusts the ring of barbed wire tied around his horns, then squeals in an excited and unprofessional manner. “Welcome t’Wet Dreams: th’Astral Appreciation Hour, an alternative piece of programming brought to yee by the Almossst Report. In our belated celebration of Zadown’s birthday, we’ll give you the latessst gossip on Astral heros, the full scoop on Chaotic fashionsss and of course plenty of ssspin-off products to sink your ward breakers into. But firssst, a look at the Balance forecast and a few tips on how you free-wheeling planeswalkers might be able to tip the scales.”

 

Wyvern scoots his way off of the bed and wanders to the refrigerator, snatching the balance scales that rest there for calculating the proper number of diet servings per meal. He glances at the scales with a look of disdain, then carries them over to the other side of the room where he sets them on a jumbled pile of pompoms and beauty products.

 

“Medium to medium-high balance today, but nothing that can’t be counteracted with a few sssneaky toolsss.” Wyvern grins as he pulls a small statue of a fat laughing Buddha from between two fluffy pompoms. The reptilian Elder raises the Happybuddha statue with some effort so that the cameras can see it, then sets it on the left half of the scales. The scales promptly topple over and break. “Errr, asss you can see, a figure of the proper weight and stature can tilt the scales to the max. Ssspeaking of which, I’d also like to send a belated happy birthday to Happybuddha, who has generally been underused by planeswalkers in their mystic campaigns. Here’s hoping that the weight of your power will be discovered and used more in the future, 'Buddha.”

 

Wyvern winks towards the cameras, then tightens the barbed wire on his horns and seats himself back on the edge of CheerMynx’s throne-bed. Once he’s comfortably seated, he strikes a toothy grin and reaches for his cardboard sword scabbard.

 

“And now, it’sss time for the Dreamer trivia part of our show, where one lucky contessstant can win an Almost Dragonic Brand Maiden of Daggers Bobblehead™ for being the firssst caller to answer our ‘Wet Dream’ quessstion of the week.” Wyvern pulls a cheap plastic sword from his scabbard and presses a little button on its hilt, evoking a soft mechanical screaming sound. We waves the sword in the air a bit and presses the button until it gets stuck and the screaming sound starts skipping incessantly. “*Ahem* Callers, have your incantations ready. The Dreamer trivia question of the week is: what role did Marchello play in the Dreamer story ‘Descent’?”

 

Wyvern tosses his plastic sword to the side with a frown and reaches behind the throne bedpost, pulling out a cheap-looking copper chalice with the words “Holee Grale” smeared across it in red. He begins pouring a bottle of Bruteweiser into the chalice as he turns his eyes back towards the cameras.

 

“While we’re waitin’ for callersss, I’d just like to sssay Rest in Peace to Gary Gygax, one of the original roleplayers. Check what people are sssaying about him in the Cabaret.” Wyvern takes a long sip from his Holee Grale and raises it to the cameras. “And be sure to ssstay tuned for more ‘Wet Dreams,’ right here on the Almost Report.”

[CheerMynx]

"Yoh, hoh, like, haul together," the familiar giggle of CheerMynx's voice approaching the door caused Wyvern to choke slightly on his drink as he fussed around to make sure he was in perfect sight for the Almost Intern's grand entrance.

"Totally hoist the colours high!" the cheerline burst through the door in a flurry of white, white, feathers, and steel.

There was so much white that the golden orange that was the dominant hue in CheerMynx's pelt was all the more striking.

"Hiiiii!" CheerMynx grinned at Wyvern and did a spin before posing. "Like, whaddaya think?"

White leather pirate boots ended at the cheerline's knee, showing a large quantity of orange and black striped thigh before a white leather miniskirt that would have made Xena blush covered just enough to defy censorship.

Her top had long, billowing white sleeves, although seemed to be missing a large chunk of material from the middle section. The bodice that wrapped tightly around CheerMynx's clevage made it impossible to tell if they were trying to conceal them, or push them together to gain even more attention. A long, silver rapier, white hat with enormous white feather, and white leather eyepatch completed the ensemble.

Snuffles had a matching eyepatch over his corresponding eye, and a mini rapier clutched happily between its teeth.

"Yaaaar," CheerMynx giggled. Snuffles mimicked the noise as best a kitten with a full mouth could.

After gathering his jaw from the floor, his wits about him, and covering the stain his drink had made when he'd dropped the "Grale" on the carpet, Wyvern tried to clear his throat as he continued to gape.

"Uh, CheerMynxie, uh," Wyvern coughed and blushed as he found his gaze even more attracted to the Almost Intern's nether regions by the attention demanding colour of her pelt.

"Love the outfit," he eventually managed to stammer. "Uh, but would you mind telling me- errr...sssharing with our audience...who you're meant to be?"

"Gawd, Wyvern, like, isn't it obvious?" CheerMynx giggled and waved her sword around, oblivious to the simultaneous ducking of Wyvern and half the film crew.

"I'm like Faaye Khanthius, that Dreamer character you told me about. Didn't you say she was like a pirate who always wore white or something?"

Wyvern blinked in confusion as he tried to figure out how his vague statement about an eyepatch had led to this interpretation. Not that he was complaining...

CheerMynx prattled on;

"Besides, like, I look TOTALLY hot in white so this was like an awesome costume idea and thanks to your raise in the fashion fund I was like able to afford real leather this time instead of that creepy stuff that Mynx has but then I was like at the mall with Tammy and she said I needed a sword and I mean she was like so totally right but I got so caught up trying to find one that looked good with my outfit that I didn't have time to read the script or anything...sorry?"

CheerMynx giggled and fluttered her eye at Wyvern.

"I do remember that like someone died or something oh! and happy birthday Zadown and HappyBuddha!" CheerMynx broke off from her speech to Wyvern long enough to beam at the camera before turning back to her clearly well thought out explanation. "But I forgot if there was anything else Wyvie. Sorry? I can make up for it though! I totally learnt this awesome sword trick! Checkitout!"

With an exuberant swing, CheerMynx hoisted the rapier in the air, losing her grip on the hilt with a yelp as the momentum carried the blade in a sweeping arc where it hung shining in the air for a long moment, before gravity regained control.

With a bright flash of steel and the expensive sound of broken equipment, the rapier pierced the camera lense, a broken and blurry image of the blade lasting only a moment before the camera shorted and cut out.

[Wyvern]

The safety camera installed in CheerMynx's bedroom HQ flickers on to the sound of broken machinery. The camera turns its attention to Wyvern, who stands cemented in place as he watches CheerMynx head to retrieve her rapier, his eyes carefully following her leather-clad hips as they sway back and forth. The overgrown lizard's snout twitches a bit and he extends his tongue to lick up a trail of drool heading down his chin, decidedly impressed despite the extent of the latest equipment bill. He beats his tail stinger into the carpet in a futile effort to hide his jittery excitement... the Almost Intern's outfit would be present in many Wet Dreams to come, that was for sure.

 

"Ohmygod, like, let me get that. I totally hope the silver's still shiny, dents would look SO un-Faaye-ish like."

 

Wyvern's eyes continue to sync up with CheerMynx's movements as she slowly bends over to pick up her weapon, his pupils growing larger with every extra bit of black stripe that's revealed. He bites his lip as CheerMynx's miniskirt verges on moving beyond family-programming, but turns as a crystal ball on the left-hand side of the room begins flashing on and off. The overgrown lizard stares at the flashing ball for a moment before he remembers the trivia segment, then curses as he notices that CheerMynx is back upright with her rapier in hand. He dashes to the crystal ball and waves a claw over it, pressing his scaly head against it to listen in.

 

"Hello? Yes. Yesss, the firssst caller." Wyvern eyes CheerMynx as she polishes her rapier a bit by brushing it across her chest, stammering over the crystal ball. "Y-y-yeah. Uhhh, yeah. C-correct, yeah. Sssure thing, uhmmm, we'll sssend it."

 

Wyvern waves a claw over the crystal ball again, causing it to go dim. He clears his throat and tears his attention away from CheerMynx long enough to face the safety camera for a minute or two.

 

"Thisss just in: we have a winner for the Almost Dragonic Brand Maiden of Daggers Bobblehead™. Congratulationsss Peredhil! We'll be sssending you your prize in a stainless steel box for safety purposes, be on the lookout for it."

 

Wyvern strikes a claws up to the camera and grins.

 

"Up next, a professional re-enactment of a scene from the Dreamer saga, ssstarring CheerMynx and-"

 

"But Wyyyyvern, I like didn't get around to reading the script remember?" CheerMynx sulks and turns her rapier in her paws, ignoring Snuffles as he mewls in a muffled manner. "I'm totally sorry."

 

"Ah well, that'sss alright CheerMynxie." Wyvern scratches his chin and considers possible alternatives to fill the time slot, only to sneer to himself as an idea crosses his mind. "I sssuppose we could invent a prelude to one of the Dreamer stories and play through it on the spot. Maybe a little something for 'Transience' eh? Eh?!"

 

Wyvern lets out a hissy laugh and winks to CheerMynx several times, nudging one of his elbows back and forth to show that his flirtation's all in good fun.

 

"Oh, definitely!"

 

Wyvern's laughter stops as he stares at CheerMynx. He lets out another half a laugh before he notices that the cheerline is serious, at which point he goes bug-eyed and lets his forked tongue roll out of his mouth.

 

"R-r-r-r-re-really?"

 

"Oh totally, I'm like great at coming up with stuff like that on the spot. You'll see!"

 

"I-I-I-I, uhhhh." Wyvern pinches his geld pouch to make sure he's not dreaming, then lets out a high-pitched whimper of sorts. "W-w-w-well, I mean, a-a-are ya ssssure?"

 

"Sure I'm sure! It'll like give me an opportunity to show off all my moves to you too." CheerMynx grins and steps closer to Wyvern. The overgrown lizard goes cross-eyed as he stares down at the cheerline's tail, which is now upright in a playful position and tugging up at the back of her miniskirt. The repetitive screaming of the plastic sword in the background had suddenly gained new meaning. "Plus, it'll be a great way to break a sweat, I haven't had a good work out in SUCH a long time. I mean, I've like practiced of course, but I'm sure you'll totally push me to the limit Wyv!"

 

Wyvern trembles and stammers, unable to speak, his scar paints and armor dye now running due to the sweat that's broken out over his scales. He raises a trembling claw and opens his mouth to say something, but finds his vocals choked and simply ends up nodding several times.

 

"Awesome!" CheerMynx grins and winks to Wyvern with her one eye, then holds up her rapier and points it to his throat. "En guard!"

 

"Whu...?" Wyvern snaps out of his excited trance just in time to yelp and fall back and CheerMynx swooshes her weapon in his direction. He scrambles backwards until his wings are up against the wall, his expression growing more terrified as he realizes what's happened. "Wait, CheerMynx, you were thinkin' of 'Myopia'! You were thinkin' of 'Myopia'!! HAALLLP!!!"

 

;-)