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"Lylith's Sleeper" by E.S Raynes-MacLeod

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Interesting story thus far, E.S Raynes-MacLeod. :-) I like the idea and set-up that you've created here, with Lylith's labs being presented as a common farm and the family situation with Kane being unaware of his sister's experiments. The revelation of lightning striking the facility during the storm from Kane was a cool twist, and I like the ominous mood that you've set around the sleepers of the facility... particularly Jason, who seems to be all doom and gloom concerning the situation. I'm looking forward to seeing what direction you take the story in, and am especially curious about the mysterious shadow figure that seems to be giving Lylith the shivers.


In terms of potential things you could improve upon in the continuation or in future revisions, one thing that I longed for a bit in this segment was more descriptive details to draw me in to the setting and characters. Some of the initial barn details were nice, but they kind of peetered out when it came to the facility and the characters. A few distinguishable details for each of the characters and a bunch of details to draw us into the halls of the facility would be awesome, particularly if they showed the time period of the setting a bit more. Another thing that you might consider expanding upon is the family interplay going on between Lylith and Kane... I found Lylith's fear of letting Kane in on her experiments very interesting, and wondered where it stemmed from. Perhaps if we had more insight into the thoughts and feelings of Lylith, the relationship element would become more prominent. I was admittedly disappointed with Kane's reaction to seeing the experimental facility for this reason, though I'm interested in seeing how you develop the story and his character from here.


Thanks for sharing this story, E.S Raynes-MacLeod, and welcome to the Pen! :-) I'm looking forward to seeing more writing from you, and hope we can have a chance to collaborate on creative things in the future as well!

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