The Almost Report Kisses its Fan Mail and Doesn't Tell

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to the image of a white manila envelope sealed by a violet heart sticker and addressed in fancy cursive characters. The cameras slowly zoom out to reveal that the letter is one of many heart-sealed envelopes in a large stack that rests to the left of CheerMynx’s bed, which has been decorated in heart and kiss mark confetti as well as fluffy pink heart-shaped cushions. As the cameras move out further, the moody red fluorescent lighting of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ is revealed, complete with a fake burning fire place generated by crystal ball illusion. The cameras shift to the right, passing by the He-Barbarian Hunks poster that rests on the wall at the end of CheerMynx’s bed before reaching Wyvern. The reptilian reporter wears a toga and carries a pointy heart-tipped pitchfork, giving off the impression of a demonic (or at least almost dragonic) Cupid. He adjusts his position on the two kitten minions he’s mistaken for a heart cushion and grins, not hearing their muffled mewls beneath him.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome a special pre-Valentine’s edition of the Almost Report.” Wyvern flashes the smoothest grin he can muster and raises a glass of wine filled with cheap Bruteweiser beer. “Since we’re promoting love amongst pennitesss, I thought we might take this opportunity to look over some of the fan mail we’ve received here at the Report, jussst as a sort of warm-up. Lessee here…”

 

The cameras move a bit further to the right, revealing a scattered collection of about three or four envelopes at Wyvern’s side that pales in comparison to the huge mountain of CheerMynx fan mail on the left side of the bed. The overgrown lizard licks his lips and tears open one of the envelopes with a claw, only to stare at its contents with a blank expression. The cameras catch a brief glimpse of the letters “IRS” spelled out on the back of the letter before Wyvern tosses it to the side.

 

“*Ahem* To kick off the early Valentine’s celebrations, I’d like to acknowledge and give my deepest regards to two very ssspecial pennites who should be celebrating their birthdays right about now. A pre-emptive Valentine’s haiku for each of ya:”

 

Kikuyu Black Paws:

ninja spandex gal/

tickle torturer supreme/

don’t get her (too) mad.

 

Degorram:

chick of many forms/

fan club shifter, shape founder/

proud Pen sister too.

 

“A very happy birthday to both of you galsss! Here’s hoping the two of you have great onesss.” Wyvern tucks the two haikus into envelopes and hands them to a troglyodyte courier, who scurries off with them. “I’d alssso like to extend my appreciation to Rhapsssody and Geldrinhor, who alssso celebrated their birthdays recently. If ya ever happen to drop by the Pen, I gotta trunk full of Almost Dragonic Brand Products here just waiting to be chosen as gifts.”

 

Wyvern grins broadly, then pauses and twitches his snout. He raises a claw to the wreaths of thorns coiled around his horns, scratching at them and cursing at the itchy nature of the toga ensemble. Once he’s re-composed his grin, the lizard raises his pitchfork and points it towards the cameras.

 

“On a more general gift-giving note, I’d like to take this opportunity to offer a lil’ Valentine’sss gift to all the Pen ladiesss (and gents) that might be interesssted.” Wyvern reaches into his toga and pulls out a odd-looking tape, lowering his pitchfork so that the cameras can get a good look at it. “Thisss is an archived recording of ‘Any Given Moment,’ a Pen-oriented radio show from back in the day. The episssode, “Eros Literate,” is based on romantic hip hop and features shouts and dedications to Yui, Tzimfemme, Appy, Sweetcherrie, Lady Celes Crusador, etc. as well as on-air interviews with Gwaihir and Silver Dragon of the Pen. The hossst o’this thing, E. Literate, talks way too much and has some really awkward studio malfunctions and conversssations… but apparently, he’s fine with making this thing available for listening, for a limited time only. An Almost Report exclusssive!”

 

Wyvern sets the tape down and claps his claws together, squirming in an attempt to get comfortable on his “cushion” and evoking quite a few kitten yowls in the process. The overgrown lizard sets his pitchfork down on the bed and reaches for a quill and a sheet of paper. He glances in both directions to make sure that CheerMynx hasn’t arrived yet and that no one is looking, then begins scribbling a note about how much CheerMynx has brightened up his life and how she’s turned the Report into a great success and how much he cares about her. Wyvern clears his throat loudly and blushes, folding the letter and sealing it tightly in an envelope.

 

“Don’t forget that you can alssso share your appreciation for other pennites this Valentine’sss at the Love Letters table of the Cabaret Room.” Wyvern shoves his CheerMynx Valentine’s letter into the center of the Almost Intern’s large stack of fan mail, desperately trying to hide a blush and praying that the note won’t be discovered until later. “Perfect ssspot to show someone special you care.”

[CheerMynx]

Humming happily to herself, CheerMynx burst through her bedroom door and beamed vacantly at the camera.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" She giggled, before doing a twirl to show off her outfit. Well...excuse for an outfit. To be honest it wasn't much more than an extremely short, lacy and somewhat seethrough red dress. By "socially acceptable" standards, it wasn't so much a dress as it was a negligee. As if making some sort of acknowledgement to this fact, the cheerline also wore matching red underwear to "cover" herself. The final piece of the outfit was a small, red silk heart attached to CheerMynx's tail by a ribbon.

The expression on Snuffle's face suggested the minion considered himself lucky to have only escaped this time with a red ribbon around his neck.

"So, like Happy Valentine's everyone! I know you're only meant to like pick one Valentine or whatever but I totally didn't want anyone to miss out so heart shaped candies and chocolates for all!" Giggling, CheerMynx held up a sack full of the afformentioned goodies.

"Although I did get a little something for you, Wyvie," smiling, the cheerline dropped the bag of candy to reach between her clevage and pull out a red envelope, which she handed to Wyvern. The Almost Dragon let out a happy whimper at the imagery, cradling the card as if it were an expensive heirloom of some sort.

"So!" CheerMynx returned her attention back to the camera and smiled prettily. "Um, like, Happy birthday Kikuyu and Dego and Rhapsody and Geldrinhor! If you guys get in quick you get twice as much candy!" looking thoughtful for a moment, CheerMynx's grin turned particularly vacant for a few seconds before she beamed again. "Unfortunately there hasn't been much goss- err...news in my departments lately, but I'd just like to second Wyvern's earlier statement and TOTALLY encourage everyone to get into, like, the spirit of Valentine's day!"

Turning to smile at the still stunned Wyvern, it was at this point that CheerMynx noticed the pile of cards addressed to her.

"Oooooooooh!" The cheerline squealed. "For ME?!"

Pouncing on the pile, CheerMynx began to rifle through them, selecting one from the pile which - by coincidence - happened to be the one Wyvern had so recently added.

"Uhhh, CheerMynxxx," Wyvern hissed, snapping out of his daze when he noticed the card clutched between his Almost Intern's paws. "That one'sss more...err...private?"

When CheerMynx made no noise or movement to suggest she'd heard him and began tearing into the letter, Wyvern swallowed and blushed deeply. As the cheerline began to read her valentine, the Almost Dragon sidled over to the power cable, pulling the plug on the camera crew's power.

"Sssome thingsss are meant to stay private," he hissed to himself as the screens turned black.