The Almost Report Fluffens its Kitten Mittens

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to the image of a line of multi-colored pompoms haphazardly arranged on a shelf. They move down the line, revealing mostly variations of the color pink and a couple of extra large plush toys before picking up speed. The cameras gather velocity until the room’s décor becomes a blur, zig-zagging around and finally jerking to a halt when they spot Wyvern sitting on the ruffled sheets of a dark pink bed. The overgrown lizard twirls the end of his tail with one of his claws, flashing a razor sharp grin towards the cameras and tilting his head.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the new Almost Report.” Wyvern plucks the jingling furry ball from his tail stinger, eyeing it with an air of reptilian glee. “Broadcasting to you live from our brand new News Headquarters, right here at CheerMynx’s bedroom! We’ll ssstill be invading the quarters of other pennites fer good measure, mind you, but will always have a home to fall back upon with this feline fashion shangri-la. On that note, I’d like to once again formally welcome CheerMynx to the Almost Report. Thossse who missed the feline firecracker in lassst week’s report should start watching reruns pronto to see the breath of fresh, ambrosia-scented air that she’s adding to the Report… anything that gets The Portrait of Zool speaking in pictorial terms has gotta be good!”

 

The cameras begin trembling a bit at the mention of CheerMynx, the troglyodyte news crew having not quite recovered from last week’s tangled camera wire fiasco. Wyvern tosses the jingle ball back and forth, then drops it into a pile of other fluffy toys and lifts himself from the pink mattress.

 

“In thisss week’s news, pennites with a sweet tooth should check out the new Pen Confection Tasting Convention, the only spot at the Pen where you can honor pennites while pigging out at the sssame time.” Wyvern licks his lips at the Willy Wonka-esque potential of the event. “Sssponsored by Almost Dragonic Brand Mummy Bandage Candy Wrappers,™ and hosssted by yours truly. Check it out!”

 

Wyvern pauses as his tail brushes over a pile of fashion magazines, accidentally picking up the vague scent of several scratch-and-sniff cologne advertisements combined into one.

 

“In further news this evening, the Almost Report regretsss to inform pennites that arch-rival reporter Bob Soluberrin is at it again.” Wyvern scratches one of his horns and lets out a low hiss. “Despite Bob’s dull brand of reporting, we here at the Almost Report still encourage you to support the Pen Recommends by voting on the latest two works up for nomination, ‘Colonisation’ and ‘Click Clack.’ Voting closesss on December 1rst, 2007, so you can take yer time in reading through and assessing the works.”

 

Wyvern jolts to a halt as a troglyodyte underling falls from his position in front of a large boy band poster for Elvez 2 Men. The reptilianoid hops back onto his feet and clammers back into his position on top of the shoulders of another troglyodyte, who stands on top of the room’s seldom-used dictionary. Fixed together in position, the troglyodytes block out most of the poster's elven imagery.

 

“Sssspeaking of votes, pennites should feel free to drop their thoughts on Valdar’s upcoming Christmas IRC Party in the Cabaret poll of the sssame name.” Wyvern flexes his claws for a moment. “And as long as yer in the Cabaret, why not take a shot at Salinye’s latest life question about trust? Bonus pointsss if you can place ‘trust’ and ‘Almost Dragonic’ in the sssame sentence.”

 

Wyvern winks at the cameras, then clears his throat and smoothes down his scales a bit. He rubs his eyes for a moment, still recovering from the stunning sight of last week’s skirt suit, then takes a deep breath and continues.

 

“Finally, the Almost Report would like to send its belated Happy Birthday greetings to Appy and Vlad respectively.” Wyvern brushes a speck of pink fur from his tunic with a nervous twitch, trying to hide his excitement. “I’d read a quick set of Pen horrorscopes for the two of ya, but think it might be more interesting to watch our resident cute female intern read’em… So ssstay tuned for CheerMynx!”

[Mynx]

CheerMynx giggled excitedly and waved at the camera as it panned over to her. The feline was dressed in an outfit that looked like the 80s had thrown up on her: spandex bike shorts and an off the shoulder loose t-shirt that threatened to bare all. The shirt was covered in day glo words - so bright in fact that the camera couldn't even focus on them. Hair tied up in a side ponytail, CheerMynx had Snuffles in a miniature sequinned shoulder bag that she kept on her shoulder.

The slight difference in Snuffle's line of sight gave the appearance that CheerMynx was staring off into space - in other words, nothing had changed.

 

"Okay! So, like, first of all I TOTALLY want to wish Vlad and Appy a super cool happy birthday! I also have these," CheerMynx held up two vouchers in her paw, "as your presents. One voucher for a free personal cheerleader performance* and one for a free cheerleader grooming experience** from yours truly! So, like come by and pick up the vouchers soon, okay? Before they totally expire."

 

"Uh, I'll hold on to thossse for you," Wyvern twitched and leapt up from the bed fast enough to make the cameras flinch. CheerMynx gave him a vapid grin and passed the vouchers over before turning back to the camera, totally oblivious to Wyvern's glazed expression as he drooled over the vouchers (one of them in particular).

 

"I was gonna like, read out your horoscopes, but the lady at the store kept talking about Scorpions which I totally didn't get cos you guys aren't creepy bug things. But whatever she meant I'm sure it would have been good if she'd just, like, explained herself!!"

 

"And now it's like, totally time for the weather! Guess what! There'll be lots of it!"

Giggling at what CheerMynx thought was a hilarious joke, she unknowingly sidestepped until the feline was in front of a window. The bright sunlight glared at the camera with an intensity that coupled with her multi coloured shirt, suddenly making it nigh on impossible to look directly at CheerMynx.

 

"So um, like, what else?" CheerMynx twirled her ponytail in her spare paw. "OH! Tommy Baker down at the movies told me that he saw Jessica making out with Danny even though everyone totally knows that she's dating Rick and then he said that..."

Rattling on obliviously about gossip, CheerMynx failed to hear the whining noise that the cameras were beginning to make, overheating in their attempt to focus on the sunlit, almost glowing cheerline.

 

Suddenly, with the *POP* of many a blown fuse, the cameras faded to black.

 

* Lapdance

** Makeover

[Wyvern]

A faint electronic humming sound comes on in the background as the overheated cameras turn back on, slowly regaining focus and catching a rare behind the scenes look at the Almost Report. Troglyodyte newsmen trot around the bedroom left and right, dusting off various objects and placing any moved items back in their original positions. A troglyodyte with spectacles and a sheet of paper marks down the positions of various objects in relation to the cameras, while several troglyodyte technicians work on the equipment with oversized mittens to handle the heat. Wyvern sits at CheerMynx's makeup counter, flattening the soggy birthday vouchers and nodding in intervals as CheerMynx continues her story in the background.

 

"... and so Jerry hooked up with Tina, when Danny TOTALLY knew that Lisa's sister dated Rick before Jessica had even *made* the cheerleader team. Like, some people are soooo clueless and only think about one thing, right Wyv?"

 

Wyvern taps a claw on the makeup counter table and looks over the vouchers, then perks up his head as CheerMynx's question registers in his brain.

 

"Oh, errr, right." Wyvern turns to CheerMynx and flashes a wide appreciative grin, then quickly turns to one of the troglyodyte news crew. "Yeah, I'm gonna need a blow dryer, a laminating machine, and maybe a litch-ward of some sort for the studio... we got any enchanted crosses?"

 

The troglyodyte shrugs and wanders off to locate whatever he can find, causing Wyvern to curse to himself and pace back and forth for a moment. The overgrown lizard scratches his chin, then claps his claws together and turns towards CheerMynx.

 

"Great reporting by the way, CheerMy-"

 

Wyvern's tongue gets stuck on the last syllable as he absorbs the sight of CheerMynx in the middle of some pre-aerobics stretching, her loose T-shirt inching its way ever-so-slightly lower down her arms with each downward stretch, a hint of perspiration building on her neck and bosom. CheerMynx pauses and lifts her head up as she notices Wyvern staring, brushing her ponytail from one of her bare shoulders.

 

"Yeah Wyv?"

 

"Ah, w-well..." Wyvern's voice comes out in a hissy squeak, which he attempts to clear with a loud fit of coughing. "*AHEM* That isss uhh, I have exercise vids. Almost Dragonic Brand Dance Aerobic Exercise Videos™, to be exact. And, y'know, if you wanna uhhh... borrow one, I'm totally cool with that. All you need to own for'em is a steel pole and half a bottle o' oil, so..."

 

;-)