The Almost Report Auctions Imperfect Pictures of the Pen

[Wyvern]

The toot of a high-pitched kazoo signals a camera fade-in, revealing the cold gray stone and fashionable cobwebs of Tamaranis' crypt. The cameras slowly pan around the central room of the vampiric dwelling, passing by a standing skeleton lamp and a old wooden bookcase of dusty tomes before pausing at Wyvern. The reptilian Elder adjusts the position of his tail on the coffin where he sits, then presses his claws together and grins towards the news cameras.

 

"Greetingsss, and welcome to another Almost Report." Wyvern straightens a painting stand next to the coffin and stretches his wings. "Reporting to you live this evening from Tamaranis' quarters, or as live as one can report from these sorts of quartersss that is. Stay tuned as we introduce Almost Dragonic Brand Crystal Ball Shopping™, with a live art auction that will be going on over the course of this report as it's broadcast. Anyone watching the report should be able to bid on the magnificent paintings presented by means of carrier bats, which will transport your written geld bid from your quarters to the crypt. Now on with the show."

 

Wyvern pauses and turns his eyes as his exclamation triggers an ominous creak from somewhere deep within the crypt. He clears his throat of a few ashes, then slams his claws down on the coffin lid and hisses:

 

"At the head of the report thisss evening, pennites are encouraged to drop their votes and feedback on Under-the-Name Doodads in the Cabaret Room. Your thoughts and votes could have a major effect on the way that feedback is approached at the Pen, so be sure to contribute if it's of concern to you." Wyvern reaches down and pulls up a piece of doodled art from last week's report, which depicts Wyvern asleep while other Pen members assault each other with crowbars. He places the sheet of paper on the painting stand with a grin. "And ssspeaking of Doodads, the Almost Report is auctioning off this luxurious painting and collector's item, entitled 'Lizard Sleeps While Pennites Weep.' The picture is a perfect compliment to pillows and crowbar supply cases around the Pen. Now accepting bidsss."

 

Wyvern waits for a few minutes for any carrier bats to arrive, then scratches one of his horns when none show up and turns towards his notes.

 

"Voting Pen memberssss should also be aware that the next set of Pen promotions have already rolled around, and that they're encouraged to mail their thoughts on the potential candidates to voting@themightypen.net. Unfortunately, due to the timing of the promotions announcement and thisss report, thossse who haven't voted yet only have until 11:59 PM on Halloween night (10/31/07) before the member feedback phase of the vote is closed. Ssso get yer thoughts in pronto if yer interested!" Wyvern pulls another sheet up, this one a torn half sheet of paper featuring a doodle of Wyvern from the last Almost Report. "And ssspeaking of potential candidatesss, this brilliantly artistic rendition of yoursss truly entitled 'Half Self Portrait' isss a potential candidate for picture most likely to infatuate female pennites. Just look at those stick figure abs! Now accepting bids."

 

Wyvern smiles widely and waits for a few minutes, then tilts his head to make sure he's not missing any squeaks or sounds of flapping wings. Once he's sure that no bats are coming, the lizard grumbles something under his breath and turns back to his notes.

 

"In further news: The Portrait of Zool, who is hosting a vibrant Pen Halloween party that you should all check out, has recently announced that the Mighty Pen fundraiser is now successfully complete. Keeping this in mind, it's never too late to donate to upkeeping the hosting of this site, and we appreciate any and all donations whenever they may occur. Jussst direct your attention to the 'Paypal Donate' button next to the Calender and Member listing at the top of the screen if you ever feel like contributing something." Wyvern sets another sheet of paper from last week's report on the stand, this one depicting doodles of the "Pen is Mightier than the Sword" logo and several bags of money. "Speaking of donations, this painting entitled 'Pen$ i$ Mightier' features two of my favorite thingsss in life: money and the Mighty Pen. It'sss a good luck charm that no money bin should be without. Now accepting bidsss (combination lock codes for money bins acceptable)."

 

Wyvern shuffles his notes, then waits patiently for a few moments until the distinctive squeaking of bats can be heard. The overgrown lizard jumps from his seat and lets out a squeal of excitement, only to notice that the approaching bats do not have bid notes and are in far greater number than he'd anticipated. Wyvern gulps and throws his claws over his horns as the swarm of bats floods into the crypt space. The news cameras promptly black out with the rest of the room.