Regel Posted October 29, 2007 Report Share Posted October 29, 2007 In here there exists a place, too dark for this world to face. No quarter in those murky waters, hatred pours red, mercy falters. Silently I’ll slit your throat Watch you die, and thrash about. For you there won’t be another day As I calmly turn and walk away. Inside me something’s broken Kind words were never spoken I grew hard cold and fearless Forfeit life? I could care less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted October 29, 2007 Report Share Posted October 29, 2007 I like the idea behind this poem. I saw part of the interview with him. I'm not quite getting the whole of the intensity of his depravity from this poem yet though and I think the rhyme scheme might be holding you back in that regard. These particular bits are very nice, "too dark for this world.../hatred pours red.../calmly walk away/hard, cold, fearless". All of these bits really drive to the heart of the man. Together they make me shudder. I think, while you were writing it, you got caught up in the rhyme and lost some focus on the dark imagery that really drives the piece and the man it is about. I would love to see you rework this, and at least for the first draft, ignore rhyme and really focus on the imagery. If a rhyme presents itself for a second draft and you like the idea of then go for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted October 29, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2007 (edited) I tend to agree Da_Yog with that assessment but I am trying to decend to this pathetic excuse of a man's depravity and while I can be a cruel cold hearted bastard I can't even get close to him. In here there exists a place, too dark for this world to face. No quarter in those murky waters, hatred pours red, mercy falters. Silently I'll slit your throat Watch you die, and thrash about. For you there won't be another day As I calmly turn and walk away. Inside me something's broken Kind words were never spoken My cooling heart grew fearless Painful death? I could care less. I'll see your existence end Misfortune has found you friend Save your begging I don't care Blood stains, bone shards, bits of hair Thanks for the comments. Edited November 2, 2007 by Regel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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