Mardrax Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 (edited) I grab for my curse cling to it Time and time again I reach for it Never quiting reaching the salvation that which I seek Small gray tendrils of toxins unraveled 3 oxygenated dollars going up 3 dimes at a Time No more excuses Give in blinded by my own doing Rather admit defeat the/an Winning over Time and time Again; At least as long as fags last, Or until we (be)come One More Time Edited October 25, 2007 by Mardrax Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted October 25, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2007 Edited. Not quite pleased with it yet, but until now haven't a clue what to do about it. Comment away by the way, I might need it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted October 25, 2007 Report Share Posted October 25, 2007 You have some interesting things going on here. The end of the first stanza shows an intersting juxtaposition in that it can be read both ways and poet knows it. The poet also wishes us to see some of his frailty. Never quitting reaching the salvation Never quitting reaching that which I seek I like the implication that we don't always seek our salvation. It was an intersting way of stating that. I like the idea of "three oxygenated dollars/ going up three dimes at a/ time". I do have a suggestion here and that is you might consider reemphasizing the strong pause after the next to last line with a dash. It would look like this: going up 3 dimes at a— time This will really drive the word time into the reader's mind as time is reemphasized with a long and timely pause. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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