The Almost Report Paints an Imperfect Picture of the Pen

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to a sheet of mostly blank paper, possibly from Wyvern's Devil's Advocate folder, which has the words "Almoest Reeport" scrawled on it in a messy font. A brief off-key kazoo news medley cues up in the background and a claw reaches down to pull the sheet of paper away, revealing another sheet with a stick figure with wings and its arms open in greeting. Surrounding the stick figure are several ovals with dollar signs and doodles of nymphs sprawled across the ground. A hissy narrator voice cues up, unmistakably Wyvern's.

 

"Welcome. I'm internationally renowned quadzillionaire playlizard Wyvern, and you're now tuned in to a new episssode of the Almost Report. Broadcasting to you live in a ssspecial animated edition... the closssest we could get to reporting from The Portrait of Zool's quarters, since they're illustrated and a bit hard to invade manually."

 

A claw reaches out and tears the bottom half of the page off, revealing even more money bag ovals on the bottom half of the sheet of paper following it. The kazoo whistles up faintly in the background, providing sound effects.

 

"At the top of the newsss this evening, The Portrait of Zool has been kind enough to start hosssting a new Mighty Pen fundraiser, the first in over a year and a half!" Wyvern removes the upper-half of the torn page, taking the Wyvern stick figure out of the picture and replacing it with the Pen is Mightier than the Sword logo and even more ovals with dollar signs. "The fundraiser is intended to raise money for the web-hosting costs of the Pen to keep this mystical location up and running, plus free of advertisements. We appreciate any donations that the membership is willing to give, though obviously noone is required to pay anything and we appreciate your contributions to the site even more! Ssstill, if you have any moolah you're willing to spare, there's now a 'Paypal Donate' button on the upper righthand corner of the Pen, next to the Calendar and Member listing. Now, the bad newsss in all this is that the other Elders have expressly forbidden me from using any of the money for ssschemes... but don't worry, I'm workin on an Almost Dragonic Brand Payassociate Multi-thousand Geld Donate Button™ asss we speak."

 

The sheet of paper with the Pen is Mightier than the Sword logo and the oval money bags falls to the floor, and is replaced by a doodle of Waterlily dressed as the Great Pumpkin, with its mouth opened and its vines tangled around a number of stick figure pennites.

 

"In further newsss, feel free to join the season spirit as the Mighty Pen celebrates Halloween in cossstume." A quill is lowered to Waterlily's picture and scribbles an additional tentacle holding a table of refreshments. "Dresss up, indulge in food and drink, and obssserve some potentially sexy pennite outfitsss. Open to all, with no long term commitmentsss required. We here at the Almost Report also hear a rumor of another Halloween-related party in November, but that's all ssspeculation with no concrete details at this point."

 

A claw reaches down and tosses the Waterlilly picture to the side, revealing a stick figure doodle of Wyvern sitting at a desk with a "Zzzzzzz" over his head while a number of other stick figures appear to be attacking each other with crowbars.

 

"To cap off this report, pennites should feel free to drop off their thoughts on how feedback should be approached at the Pen. All thoughtsss on the subject are appreciated, particularly given the impact that the tone of commentaries can have on the mood of the Pen!"

 

The page is ripped to shreds and then tossed as confetti as the camera zooms in to the page after it, which reads "Th'End."