The Almost Report Covers a Grave Situation

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to stringy shades of white and gray, their sound monitors absorbing long gusts of wind and a wolf howling somewhere in the background. Several minutes pass before a clammy troglyodyte hand eclipses the whites and grays and pulls the cobwebs off of the camera lens, revealing a very gothic-looking graveyard, complete with towering tombstones and a token ghost hanging out near a mausoleum. The cameras slowly turn towards Wyvern, who is leaning against one of the less stable tombstones and picking his teeth with a narrow shard of bone.

 

"Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almost Report. Tonight, we take you live to Venefyxatu's favorite graveyard at the outskirts of the Pen in an exclusssive contracted deal with the nether mage himself." Wyvern pulls a crumpled sheet of paper from his pocket and lifts it up so the cameras can see. "Venefyxatu's consent isss all detailed in this handy document. Of course, in order to maintain the Almost Report's reputation for highly illegal activities, we'll be certain to break a few of the clauses over the course of this report just to keep thingsss interesting."

 

Wyvern pushes himself away from the tombstone that he leans against, causing it to fall over and stirring a brief flock of bats. The tall tombstone falls against another tall tombstone that rests behind it, causing a domino effect that knocks out an entire line of graves. The overgrown lizard bites his lip and brushes a stray bat away from his face as he observes the damages, then hisses:

 

"At the top of the newsss this evening: the sequel to the smallest of epics, Mini-Saga II, is once again back in business and open to participation. Dwarves, gnomes, halflings, trogylodytes, and jussst about anyone else is welcome to join in to continue the saga of knight, golem, and man. Only 50 words per post, and completely freeform with no commitment required. Check it out."

 

Wyvern pauses his reporting for a moment and turns to stomp on a skeleton that's emerging from the first of the fallen tombstones. Once the bones have been sufficiently broken, the overgrown lizard clears his throat and turns back to the cameras.

 

"The Almost Report would alssso like to point out the recent public November promotions statement from Ozymandias. Sssince the Loremaster specifically chose to broadcast this statement Cabaret-wide, the Almost Report will be carefully following November promotions as they develop. Expect ssscandals galore (and higher show ratings) if the promotionsss aren't up by the announced date!"

 

Wyvern turns his head as the ghost that had been hanging out near the mausoleum begins approaching him with an extended hand. The reptilian Elder shakes his head and spreads out his claws in an effort to say that he doesn't have any spare change on him, then cocks his head back in the direction of the news cameras and hisses:

 

"To wrap up this report, I'd like to pass my belated Happy Birthday wishesss to Tralla and Mardrax. I got an Almost Dragonic Brand Plushy Kaolin Ragdoll™ and an Almost Dragonic Brand Tin All-Powerful Quill Holder™ for the two of you respectively... feel to drop by the Almost Report at any point to pick'em up."

 

Wyvern reaches down for another bone shard from the skeleton he had stomped on, only to notice that there are now skeletons emerging from every one of the fallen tombstones. Apparently, the ghost wasn't looking for spare change either. Wyvern stammers and begins backing away until his wings have almost hit the camera lenses. But it's another stray bat that reduces the report to static.