The Almost Report Panhandles its Services

[Wyvern]

A loud buzzing sound echoes out from pitch black screens across the Pen before static ensues. Once the wavey lines of gray have slowed to a reasonable pitch, the screens display a fuzzy image of Wyvern's legs and tail sticking out of a large window on the side of one of the Pen's many spiral towers. The cameras blank out again just as the overgrown lizard's features slide the rest of the way into the room. They refocus several minutes later inside of a wide circular Pen chamber, and turn to home in on a dresser drawer that Wyvern has been digging through. The reptilian Elder tosses wing robes left and right, sniffing at them and observing their colorful and potentially sexy designs. He lifts a baige see-through wing cloak with star designs and goes cross-eyed, only to notice the news cameras. He quickly clears his throat.

 

"*Ahem!* Greetingsss, welcome to the Almost Report." Wyvern bites his lip and moves in front of the wing cloak, blocking it from view. "This evening, we take you to the secretive Pen quarters of Elvina for an exclusssive tour in celebration of her birthday, which occured last week."

 

Wyvern turns and pulls up a string of brightly painted frying pans, which rattle in a series of clangs and crashes. He lets one of his claws roll down the edges of the pans, resulting in a sound that could be the considered metallic equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard.

 

"Sssince we're also celebrating Racouol's birthday today, I figured I'd inaugurate this Almost Dragonic Brand Kitchen Utensil Party Decoration Set™." Wyvern grins and holds up the string of frying pans, shaking it. "Ssstay tuned as we attempt to give Elvina's quarters a lil' makeover. But to start things off, a few other news items."

 

Wyvern tosses the frying pan lineup to the side in a typically reckless manner, then dusts off his tunic and raises a news sheet to his snout.

 

"At the top of the news this evening: The Mighty Pen "Narratives" compilation is now available for digital download, and features selections from a number of well-known pennites with fine tastes in music. This latest project from Almost Draconic Recordings has received a good amount of positive feedback from the pressss, including glowing reviews from Canid, Big Pointy One, Racouol, and Asmadeus. The music, artwork, and lyrics for the compilation can be downloaded for free, right here, right now! Get yoursss today, and feel free to drop your thoughts on it in the Mighty Pen "Narratives" discussion thread."

 

Wyvern winces at the sharp sound of clashing metal as troglyodytes decorate Elvina's couch with several layers of frying pans. He flips his news sheet in the air and turns it over, distracting the cameras by continuing his report.

 

"In further news, voting Pen members are still encouraged to submit their thoughts on the September promotions vote to voting@themightypen.net if they haven't done so yet. The vote clossses on September 20th, which is soon, so get yer thoughts in before it's too late. Bribesss still accepted."

 

Wyvern almost bangs his head on a hanging set of frying pans as he makes his way back to Elvina's dresser drawer, marveling at the new kitchen cupboard feel of the room.

 

"To wrap up this report, be sure to give our newest member, Blby, a warm pennite welcome. He ssseems to be a little on the shy side, but toss him some citrus and he should be A-O.K. Tell'im Almost Dragonic Inc. sent ya."

 

The cameras move forward as Wyvern begins digging through Elvina's garments again, only to ram into one of the many hanging frying pans. Cue darkness.