The Almost Report Lacks Khaydon Crystals

[Wyvern]

The blurry camera lenses gradually focus in on what appears to be a construction zone set up across a Pen hallway. Crimson striped construction tape is spread out to block the arched entrances to the hall, and troglyodyte underlings are hard at work squinting and knocking at various places along the walls. Some of the troglyodytes are lifted to the ceiling area by means of Almost Dragonic Brand Mini Construction Paper Cranes™, which sporadically collapse under the weight of the underlings. The cameras move forward as Wyvern steps into the hall, cursing at someone over a portable crystal ball.

 

"Waddaya mean there aren't any Khaydonsss available?" Wyvern snarls into the crystal ball and cuts off the incantation with a snort, stuffing the crystal ball into his pouch with a scowl. He freezes up when he notices that the news cameras are recording, then quickly brushes back the scales on his head and switches to an evil grin. "Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report. This evening, we hope to take you live to Valdar's secretive quarters for an exclusive almost dragonic invasion. As sssoon as we can find the door, which should be any minute now..."

 

Wyvern raises a claw and turns to the busy troglyodytes, who look confused and seem more preoccupied with scooping bug snacks from the wall cracks than finding secret entrances. Wyvern pulls a whip from his belt and cracks it down twice, hissing something about troglyodyte skin boots being in season and sending the underlings into overdrive. The overgrown lizard sighs and lifts a mic to his snout.

 

"Well, while my news crew continues searching, this evening's headline is a reminder that the Piazza of Portraits remains open to the latest in fashionable character art and photography. Newer Pen members are highly encouraged to contribute a character portrait of themselves for other pennites to familiarize themselvesss with if they haven't done so yet. Take it from yer ol' pal Wyvern: to get the mossst out of this community, you'll want to have a character founded in thessse halls for me to market products too." Wyvern snickers and rubs his claws together. "And on a ssslightly related note, the Almost Report is still searching for a cute female intern or two to liven things up around here. Willingness to increassse show ratings by wearing scanty outfits a major plus, affection towards scaly lizards also a bonus. Jussst slip a PM over to yers truly if yer interesssted *wink wink.*"

 

The sounds of snapping paper and reptilianoid screams interrupt Wyvern as the troglyodyte who had injured himself on the Almost Report several times before comes crashing down with one of the Almost Dragonic Brand Mini Construction Paper Cranes™. Wyvern grumbles to himself and steps over to the scene of the wreckage, tossing a bill for the broken machine on top of the pile of cheap paper and scales.

 

"In further newsss this evening, Almost Draconic Recordingsss has informed us that the tentative releassse date for the Mighty Pen "Narratives" compilation has been set for September 14th, though there's always the possibility that the date may be pushed back. Rumor hasss it that the tracklisting has been finalized, but that some final tweeks are being made to the accompanying lyric sheetsss prior to hosting it digitally."

 

Wyvern grunts and pulls out a blueprint for the halls of the Pen, rotating it sideways and then upsidedown.

 

"Now if you'll excussse me, I'm gonna set about finding this dang door."

 

With that, Wyvern begins trailing along the walls of the hall with his tail stinger, shoving several troglyodytes and objects to the side as he passes through. This includes the news cameras, which promptly black out.