The Almost Report Visits the Gardener Geisha District

[Wyvern]

"Excuse me, sir? I don't see you listed for an appointment."

 

Wyvern ignores the voice of the cloak-hooded girl with the white hair behind him as he wanders further into the large decorative chamber, motioning towards the camera people with a claw so that they'll follow him in. The overgrown lizard hisses deeply as he glances over the impressive decor of the chamber, admiring the fine array of weapons on the walls and swatting tatami mats to the side with his tail with each step. Wyvern pauses at a bookshelf and pulls out a supplemental guide for the RPG "Small Eyes, Big Wallet," then turns to the cameras as he wanders over to a beautiful screen door.

 

"Greetingsss, and welcome to another episode of the Almost Report." Wyvern halts as he reaches the image of a Heian period Geisha that rests on a screen. He extends a claw out to the motif like a TV shopping channel salesman. "Thisss evening, we take you live to the abode of mai takekaze for a look at his deluxe gardening shack headquarters. As always, no permission has been obtained, rendering thisss visit all the more exciting for viewers."

 

"No permission?" The hooded girl with the white hair in the background places her hands on her hips. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to-"

 

"In tonight'sss news: the Almost Report would like to alert Pen poets to the wide variety of collaborative poetry exercisesss hosted by Silver Wind in the Muse and Quill Café." Wyvern leans back against the the screen with the Geisha designs, his wingspan testing its durability. "Poets are encouraged to tessst their topic handling skills, their stream of conscious techniquesss, and their abilities to weave webs of lines (an exercise Pen poets are also encouraged to continue here). The more collaborative and intertwined the poetry, the better. Booze ssstreams of conscious and expensive web line quilts are also highly encouraged."

 

Wyvern scratches one of his horns and shifts his weight against the screen, causing it to bend and creak. He then lifts a claw to his snout and whispers into his microphone.

 

"For the record, Sssilver Wind is also a dang good photographer." Wyvern winks to the camera. "You might consssider striking a bargain with her if yer in search of a photo that's difficult to obtain. Jussst be sure to warm her up with a lil' poem response beforehand."

 

"Step away from that screen!"

 

Wyvern gulps and scurries away from the Geisha screen as the cloak-hooded girl approaches with a hefty-looking Anti-Wyvern mallet, taken from the wall of weapons. The overgrown lizard stumbles his way through the width of the room and trips over a news camera wire on the ground, falling face first into mai's kotetsu cushions and causing an cloud of feathers as his scales hit the fabric. The girl with the hammer curses and races up to Wyvern, only to be distracted by the sight of the troglyodyte cameramen indulging in food from mai's refrigerator. Wyvern ceases his squeaky whimpering and pleas as the girl storms off in the direction of the troglyodytes, and uses the opportunity to snatch the microphone from its position on the floor.

 

"To wrap up thisss report, a reminder that the Almossst Report is happy to broadcast any newsss items you might have for us. Jussst PM us any collaborative project or event you'd like to have us announce, and we'll be happy to twist it in a way that conveys the information with a subliminal advertisement for Almost Dragonic Products." Wyvern lifts himself to his feet and wipes the stray feathers from his scales, flinching at the thumping sounds of troglyodytes as they hit the ground. "Also, a reminder that the report is perpetually in search of hot female internsss - you know who to write! Until next time..."

 

Wyvern bows to the camera in front of him, not noticing the Anti-Wyvern mallet as it's slowly raised over his scaly noggin. The camera blacks out just as the weapon falls towards his horns.