The Almost Report Reg(e)lates its Silver Count

[Wyvern]

The news cameras pan over what appears to be a homely and well-furnished living room, zooming in on a vast collection of family portraits and memorabilia. A claw reaches up and blocks the visuals of the pleasant display for a moment, scraping against the fragile camera lenses as it pulls a small framed picture from an oak counter. The cameras pull back as Wyvern runs his claw along the glass of the picture with a hair-splitting *SQUEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK*.

 

"Welcome, pennites, to another family unfriendly episssode of the Almost Report. This week, we take you live to Regel's personal lounge, where you'll bear witness to the miracle of Almost Dragonic Brand Cut-n-Paste Priceless Portraits™." Wyvern lets the cut circle of glass fall from the front of the picture, and reaches up to pick a scrap of paper from between his teeth. The overgrown lizard smudges the doodled Wyvern stamp onto a spot next to Regel's image where a baby face had once been, giving the whole picture a more nefarious feel. Wyvern snickers to himself and winks to the cameras, raising a claw to his snout and lowering his hiss to a barely audible whisper. "I'm leaving a couple of these Cut-n-Paste Priceless Portrait jobs as a belated B-day gift... I ssseem to always be late with the well-wishes these days, I guess it just ain't as easy when the person ain't around. Hope ya had an excellent 53rd, Regel!"

 

Wyvern lifts the new version of the picture and examines it for a moment, then scratches his chin and decides to place an imitation silver coin with an etching of a vaguely familiar pennite's face at the tip of the doodle-Wyvern's lollipop.

 

"While I'm at it, I'd alssso like to wish Vincent Silver a happy 19th." Wyvern pauses for a moment, then rubs one of his horns in disbelief. "To my knowledge, Mr. Silver hasn't visited the Pen in agesss and won't be seeing this message, but it's still weird to think about. I mean, I coulda swore the guy was 14 just yesterday?! I guess time flies when yer ogling fine pennite ladies..."

 

Wyvern sets the picture of Regel and the doodle-Wyvern next to a tall picture of Regel with large angel wings. The wings of the picture extend over a certain Wench and a certain Steeldragon, as well as a certain Grinch. Wyvern grins at the nostalgic value of the picture, then snaps a claw in the air and turns back towards the cameras.

 

"In further newsss, I would like to informally welcome OxygenPlant and Silver Wind to the Pen. Please feel free to check out their recent contributions to the Banquet Room and be sure to give them a warm pennite welcome." Wyvern rubs his claws together and sneers towards the cameras, a leftover slither of the doodle stamp still stuck between his razor sharp teeth. "I smell future Almost Dragonic Product investorsss... keep an eye out for those two!"

 

Wyvern turns to test out Regel's comfy-looking sofa, but pauses before his pounce as a final news item pops into his head.

 

"Wrapping things up: another remind to all of you cute Pen babes again that the Almost Report is seeking a new female intern to get all hot and inssspired over." Wyvern snorts up a smoke ring and begins swinging his tail around like a male stripper belt. "Intern mussst be willing to get her skirt dirty once in a while. Love of scales and tail massaging expertise a plus. Jussst send yer love letter PMs to W-Y-V-E-R-N if interested."

 

Static.

[Regel]

Thank you for the birthday greetings Wyvern. I have brought you a present for being so thoughtful. Regel drags out a brightly wrapped box with a big red bow on it. The over grown lizard was both surprised and some what suspicious but his curiosity finally got to him. "For me? Ah... Regel... you shouldn't have." Wyvern said with a toothy grin.

"Go ahead and open it Wyvern!" the smile on Regel's face was as wide as Wyvern's.

Deftly using his razor sharp claws Wyvern sliced open the box quickly and reached inside. "What's this, oh my goodness, it the Acme upgrade-to-a-Dragon Kit!! How did you know Regel? It comes with a flame thrower, Dragon Scale Armour, and Wing enhancements!!! Thank you, thank you, Thank you!

Edited August 7, 2007 by Regel

[Wyvern]

"Really Regel, thessse're just perfect!" Wyvern paws the Upgrade-to-a-Dragon paraphernalia in a state of almost dragonic wonder, then pulls out a ruler and begins measuring the dimensions of the wingspan. "Yep, looks like these'll fit juuusssst right."

 

"I'm glad, Wyvern. I hope you enjoy th-"

 

Regel pauses and lets his irregularly large grin fall flat, watching as Wyvern begins kicking at the flamethrower and breaking the protective cover on its spout. He raises a finger as the overgrown lizard places a bucket of paint, a cup of paperclips and rubberbands, a stack of "Almost Dragonic Approved" stickers and a pitcher of booze next to the gift items.

 

"Yessssir, these things'll fit perfectly as pieces in my most recent line-up of products." Wyvern flashes a toothy grin and pulls out a blank sheet of paper from his Devil's Advocate folder, handing it to Regel. "Thisss flamethrower will work as a base for Almost Dragonic Brand Combustible Cigar Lighters™, the dragon scale armor is the perfect weight for Almost Dragonic Brand Ship Anchor Lifejackets™, and the wings will definitely pass for Almost Dragonic Brand Mutant Ostrich Feather Fans™! Everything'sss coming together."

 

Regel slowly shakes his head as Wyvern begins folding a cardboard box over the flamethrower in an attempt to make it look more like a lighter.

 

"I think I might package thisss batch together as an Upgrade-to-Almost-a-Dragon boxed set, so that I can mark up the price 600%." Wyvern lets his tongue hang loose and squares his claws. "Waddaya think Reg'?"

 

;-)