The Almost Report Places its Bets on the Inebriated

[Wyvern]

The news cameras creak as they move past several foaming kegs of Bruteweiser, focusing on Wyvern's crouching position near the entrance of the Pen Conservatory's alcohol-oriented racing garage. Wyvern pokes the tip of a beer bong between two of his razor sharp teeth, then turns the flow of booze down a few notches so that he can speak without gurgling. He flashes a signature sneer towards the cameras, dribbling booze.

 

"Greetingsss, and welcome to the latest episode of the Almost Report. This week, we take you live to the raceway of the Mighty Pen Beerkeg Boxcar Derby, which currently awaitsss its thirsty cast of participantsss." Wyvern licks a stray drop of Bruteweiser from the side of his snout. "Sssponsored by Almost Dragonic Brand Triceratops Hubcaps™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Shameless Product Slogan Bumper Stickers™, this event is sure to go down in Pen history as one of the most exciting drag races in the history of cross-dres.... errr, drunken reveleries."

 

Wyvern waves a claw to a nearby troglyodyte wearing a booze-proof grease suite. The underling tosses Wyvern a rag to clean his scales with.

 

"Feel free to come on down to test yer hand at drinking, boxcar building, drinking, and racing.'" Wyvern strikes a claws up. "And did I mention drinking? The winner(s) of the race will receive the 26th keg of Bruteweiser to polish off, so victory will never have tasted so bitter!"

 

Wyvern pauses for a moment and lets out a loud belch, causing a small jet of flame to exit from his mouth. Wyvern coughs to himself and stares at the cameras in silence as one of the lighting men in the news crew runs out, screaming and engulfed in flames. He remains silent as several other lizard men in the crew dash out and beat down the lighting man's flames by stomping on him, then clears his throat and continues.

 

"In further newsss this evening, Almost Draconic Recordings continues to implore Pen members to submit their story track selections for the upcoming Mighty Pen "Narratives" mix CD." Wyvern's forked tongue flicks out as he gives the cameras a serious stare. "Only two weeksss left until the submission deadline of August 14th, so ya better start seriously thinkin' about tracks to submit if you want a spot on the compilation! Feel free to sssend any questions concerning this project to yours truly."

 

Wyvern nods to the cameras, then claps his claws together and turns the booze tap connected to his bong up a notch.

 

"To wrap up thisss *gurgle* news segment: the Almost Report is once again in the process of ssseeking *glug* cute female pennites to act as co-hostsss for our weekly broadcast. If you happen to dig scales and have a little mischievous streak about you, you know who to PM *glurglorpurgle* baby."

 

With that, the news cameras swerve off in different directions as the cameramen begin taking to a keg or two themselves...