Mardrax Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 A finger down my cheekbone slides All my will expressed in snide Can't tell how or where he eyed When I hear the halt in his stride His wanton longing's been denied Could it turn to the wants of hide? (Need to find the strength No hope but for contempt No matter how he'll vent know it's just pretend) For all his power, just a child His body's tower wrecked by pride The tearful shower that he cried Outlast the scour, storm this night Together we are purified Me and he who took my sight Velvet blindfold, show our plight To all who would and all who might take our perennial pangs of fright and drive them to extinction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted July 28, 2007 Report Share Posted July 28, 2007 I really like this, Mardrax. :-) The figure that you describe over the course of the poem is intriguing in the manner that his power is contrasted with his childlike irresponsibility, and the element of silent mourning and wrecked pride definitely struck a chord. The image of a cleansing through tears was also well done, and the humility that the narrator shows in the line about expressing his will "in snide" was refreshing. In terms of possible things to improve: I was uncertain of the meaning of the word "hide" in the sixth line due to the arrangement of the line. I initially read it as an abstract placement of the verb hide, but now seem to read it as the noun hide... you might consider rephrasing the line to clarify the meaning of the word, unless that ambiguity is intentional. Also, I didn't feel that the parenthesis were necessary in the second stanza... the italics seperate that segment enough as it is, in my opinion. Anyway, very nicely done Mardrax. :-) Thanks for sharing ithis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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