The Almost Report Sharpens its Big Pointy Horns

[Wyvern]

Static screeches over screens across the Pen until the gray fades to shades of bage. The cameras focus on a cushioned bench that Wyvern lays stretched out across, and they zoom in a bit to document the white icing that seems to drip from the lizard's claws. Wyvern nudges himself up as he spots the cameras, then licks his lips to hide some of the evidence and adjusts a birthday hat on one of his horns.

 

"Greetingsss, and thanks for tuning in to the Almost Report - ssspecial pennite birthday edition. This evening, we broadcast to you live from the personal Pen quarters of Big Pointy One, who recently celebrated his birthday without the proper Pen recognition." Wyvern pulls out an Almost Dragonic Brand Banshee Noisemaker™ and begins spinning it, producing a mounting wail. "Well, we here at the Almost Report decided to pay Stick's little house in the trees a surprise visit to drop off a little gift... an Almost Dragonic Brand Shocker-Surprise Home Makeover™ to be exact!"

 

The cameras pan out to reveal a coat of imitation crimson scales covering the walls, and little spots of ash and obsidian sprinkled across the floor. Fake paper dollar bills have also been tacked onto the branches growing outdoors, and a monstrous Almost Dragonic Brand Product Guide™ has been placed on the card table. The table's sturdy legs seem to wobble a bit under the enormous compendium's weight.

 

"Come, follow me into Sliver's room, where further newsss awaits." The cameras follow the gleeful Wyvern into Sliver's chamber, where Almost Dragonic Brand Slingshot Launchers™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Champion Razor Frisbees™ have been added to the arsenal of weapons that clutters the floor. A new lava lamp colors the room in a light shade of red, highlighting an odd miniature crystal ball that floats on top of what could be the rear end of a bazooka. "Besssides the new design, we at the Almost Report have been tinkering with this little psionic bulb in the hopes of sending Psimon a Happy Birthday tune via mental airwaves. So far, no luck... if you happen to be a skilled in the arts of psionicsss and would be willing to give the Almost Report a hand, feel free to climb up to Stick's spot and try yer luck. Until then, I'd just like to wish Psimon a belated Happy Birthday on the air - hopefully the skilled psionic is watching thisss as we speak."

 

Wyvern waves a claw to the cameras and leads them across the hall into Stick's room, where a variety of hawaiin T-shirts have been mixed into the pennite's piles of clothes. An asp slithers its way under an obsidian rock as Wyvern enters into the room, and the reptilian reporter sniffs at the air to make sure that the scent of volcano is still present in the area. He then rubs his claws together and pulls out a doodle of Xeros scrawled on the back of last week's news sheet.

 

"To wrap up thisss special pennite birthday report, the Almost Report would like to welcome Xeros back to the Pen and wish him a Happy 27th. We can alwaysss use a little more evil 'round these parts, so here'sss hoping the stay is more extended this time around."

 

With that, Wyvern tosses the sheet to the side and steps out of Stick's quarters. The cameras begin to fade out, but not before they catch Wyvern making his way towards the kitchen shelves, his claws already clicking in snooping motions, his tongue hanging low at the sight of more leftover cake...

 

;-)