The Almost Report Dirties its Paws a Little

[Wyvern]

The fuzzy camera lenses slowly focus on what appears to be an extreme close-up shot of black ninja-lace panties. The cameras begin panning out, revealing other items of clothing: black leggings with dark blue embroidery around the edges, ankle bracelets with bells of different shapes and sizes, a stack of ruffled black shirts… The cameras eventually pan out enough to reveal Wyvern standing at an open dresser drawer, his scaly snout buried in a netted black skirt. The reptilian reporter takes a deep whiff of the fashionable garment, then tosses it aside with the rest of clothes and grins towards the cameras.

 

“Wyvern here, welcoming you to another episssode of the Almost Report. This week, we take you to the personal quarters of the recently honored pennite Kikuyu Black Paws, who was handed the Mighty Pen Quill a few days ago.” Wyvern glances at the jumbled pile of clothes surrounding his feet and licks his lips. “As you can sssee, she has a wardrobe worthy of any Quillbare- *cough, ehrm* Quillbearer. Congratulationsss once again, Kikuyu!"

 

Wyvern attempts to hide a slight blush as he untangles a ninja-lace bra from his tail stinger, then clears his throat and brushes the scales on his head.

 

"For tonight'sss lead story: the Tower of Elders would like to belatedly announce a change in the current active Elder line-up. Yui-chan, Orlan, and The Portrait of Zool have all taken up Ancient status, though of course they'll continue to visit us and contribute as their ssschedules allow. In honor of their fantastic contributions to the Pen, we here at the Almost Report will be selling limited edition Almost Dragonic Brand Ancient Pennite Bobbleheads™ at a three-for-one dissscount price." Wyvern pulls out several cobweb-covered bobbleheads, which practically dissolve in his claws as he sets them on Kikuyu's bedroom counter. "No sssimilarities to Pennite Ancients intended here - it's just that the bobbleheads themselves are ancient, and happen to resemble various pennites. If you'd like to purchase one of these bobbleheads, or simply need help hosting a project, please feel free to contact one of the Pen's current Eldersss for assistance:

 

Ayshela - Elder of Harmony

Gyrfalcon - Elder of Lists

Katzaniel

Mynx - Feline Elder of Yarns and Tails

Patrick - Elder of Techy Tinkering

Quincunx

Tanuchan - Wolfish Elder of Poetic Ramblings

Wyvern - Elder of Accepting Really Large Bribes for Administrative Favors

 

Patrick and I are particularly active, ssso feel free to ask us if you need help with anything... especially if your request comes with a bribe." Wyvern sneers and winks to the cameras, sliding a blue sash back and forth between his claws. "Sorry, no blackmails accepted."

 

Wyvern drops the cloth and raises a sheet of news items to his snout.

 

"In further newsss, our resident Elder of Techy Tinkering has informed me that there will be a quick upgrade of enchantment barriers throughout the Pen this upcoming weekend. The Pen upgrade shouldn't take more than five minutesss, but this is just to let you know in case our halls are unavailable for a very brief period or in case there's a bug or two in the ssscenery for a short time (which is doubtful, since it's an upgrade that removes bugs). That's coming straight from Patrick - you heard it here firssst, on the Almost Report!"

 

Wyvern skims over the rest of the news items on his sheet, then crumples it up and tosses it to the side, carelessly loitering in Kikuyu's bedroom. The overgrown lizard leans back on Kikuyu's bed for a moment and rolls over to test the comfort of her sheets, then pauses and stares up at the cameras.

 

"To cap off this report, I'd like to sssend some belated Happy Birthday Pen wishes to The Portrait of Zool and Tasslehoff. Here'sss hoping that Sharpiens with a taste for priceless art beamed down to show'em a good time... feel free to call into the Almost Report and leave your well-wishes in this thread." Wyvern hops off of Kikuyu's bed, which now looks like a folding mattress disaster after Wyv's series of comfort tests. "Now, if you'll excussse me, I'm gonna go treat myself to some hot tea... ya gotta love a pennite that keeps the stove on in her kitchen all the time."

 

;-)