The Almost Report Revels in Tomfooler(ie)

[Wyvern]

The cameras wobble to the tune of two troglyodytes crooning the Almost Report theme, which mimics the original recording fairly well given the low budget that the melody was made on. The cameras pan across what appears to be a room of moving stones until they catch sight of Wyvern, who sits in an unstable rocking chair reading a torn leaflet from the most recent issue of Almost Dragonic Brand Poetry Indigestion™. The overgrown lizard plucks a bubbly booze pipe from his mouth and turns towards the cameras with a grin, ignoring the manner that the room shifts its shapes around him.

 

"Greetingsss and welcome to another episode of the Almost Report, reporting to you live from Castle. That's right, THE Castle! After last week's fruitful invasion of Peredhil's quarters, we thought it would only be right to invade reverie's personal space this time around. Apparently, his personal space has personal space issues of its own, as the ssstones seem to be getting kinda peeved over our intrusion."

 

Wyvern watches as the stones on the right side of the room cave upwards, sending the troglyodyte cameraman that had been injured twice on the show before flying out of a tower window. The reptilian reporter sipuffs on his pipe and keeps his cool, raising a news sheet to his snout in order to block his view of the situation.

 

"Ssspeaking of reverie, the Pen poet and ssscholar would like your input on the Pen poetry class that he's planning to host through a multiple choice exam vote. Jussst drop by the Muse and Quill Cafe and fill in the blanksss, plus feel free to leave other thoughts as well. I also wanna remind folksss that cheat-sheets are still available from yours truly, and that they just might come in handy for this initial quiz survey. That's 1-900-OGREOUIJABOARDPOETRY4CHEAP!"

 

Wyvern's claw trails down the page as the walls of the chamber begin slowly closing in.

 

"In further newsss, the ssstreet cred of the Pen has once again been threatened by freestyle battle crusador Ashtonblades. Feel free to counteract his foul claims with some Pen sssyles to match, even if the styles end up being expensive. Note that no actual battle lyrics are needed to enter this competition."

 

Wyvern grunts as the stones under his tail begin sucking it in like quicksand. He hops out of his rocking chair, tosses his booze bubble pipe to the side, and a stomps a foot on the ground.

 

"Alright Castle, that's enough. BOYSSSSS?!"

 

Six goblin construction workers carrying jackhammers and drills pop up at different corners of the room, positioning their equipment at demolition angles.

 

"Not a move, Cassstle. One more tranformation from you, and these goblin henchmen will start busting away with their tools. And if there's ONE thing that goblin construction workers are good at, it's destroying things."

 

The stone and room tranformations promptly come to a halt. Wyvern breaks into a sinister grin.

 

"That'sss enough for the Report." Wyvern waves a claw at the cameras, which flicker to black. The audio lingers for a few moments longer. "Now, let's see if I can find reverie's mossst expensive stash of poetry..."

 

;-)