The Almost Report Goes "Not Nearly Polite"

[Wyvern]

Static shrieks over screens across the Pen, only to be replaced by a "No Signal" image with a little stick figure wyvern shrugging its shoulders and an ear-piercing *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.* Pennites remove their hands from their ears once the image disappears, and watch as a scaly hand taps at the camera lens with a little too much force to be professional. The shakey camera swerves upward and focuses on an almost dragonic figure dressed in an outlandish crimson tux with cheap plastic flame jewels. Wyvern leans casually against a non-smoking torch that rests on the wall of the room, nearly displacing it.

 

"Welcome to another episode of the Almost Report - back in ssstyle with a new gimmicky slant, 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Exploitable!' For this evening's report, we bring you live to Elrond Peredhil's personal quarters."

 

The cameras pan out to reveal more of the stylish chamber, which indeed fits the description of Peredhil's Hall of Fire to a tee. The cameras continue panning out and move to the right, only to pause as Wyvern frantically waves a claw in the other direction. Half of a broken wall fixture is briefly seen on the far right of the screen as the cameras focus back on Wyvern.

 

"Yesss, that's right. Due to the impossible conditions of the pirate broadcasting basement after that TNT incident, we here at the Almost Report have decided to start broadcasting from the private rooms of various noble pennites. It'sss a simple process where we break- err, eheheh, get consssent to use the rooms *SNICKER.* And then, we usually scout for expensi- uuuh, I mean, new designs *SNORT.*"

 

Wyvern steps forward, only to notice a basin of sweet water at the mud-room down the hall. He freezes and backs away, grimacing at the way the liquid sparkles and dragging his tail stinger along the classy carpet.

 

"*Ahem* In current news, voting Pen members may want to consider commenting on reverie's recent poetry class proposal. Have any ideas for sssubstitute teachers or recess activities? Drop on by and leave yer thoughts, essspecially if they involve spying on girl's locker rooms as a potential activity." Wyvern picks a bit of ash from his snout, then sprinkles it into a nearby brazier where noone will notice. "In further news, anyone needing cheat-sheets for the inevitable poetry tests should call 1-900-OGREOUIJABOARDPOETRY4CHEAP. Just remember: any tattling to professor rev will resssult in severe dodgeball pummeling on the blacktop. You've been warned."

 

Wyvern turns as a kobold soundman walks on screen, his sewage-stained boots leaving visible footprints on the carpet. The kobold whispers something into Wyvern's ear, then turns and rushes back off screen. Wyvern nods and rubs his claws together, turning towards the cameras with a trademark sneer.

 

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a freezer-kitchen or two to raid." Wyvern winks and begins slithering off-screen. "Oh, and if ya don't want yer personal nook invaded by us reptilianoids, please feel free to mail me a letter via PM on the sssubject, and I'll try n'be extra careful to not catch yer attention when I break in."

 

Static.