Almost Reporting, Dirtier than Ever Before

[Wyvern]

The news cameras once again focus on the ruined broadcasting basement, only this time, Wyvern's red scales contrast with the blackened tabletop and background of the chamber. The overgrown lizard's snout stays fixed on a pile of soot that he fluffs with his claws, and it takes several minutes before he realizes that the jarring prerecorded Almost Report theme has come to a close. He bobs a claw up and down to calm the frantic troglyodyte signaling to him off-screen, then lifts his head and waves to the numerous lenses with a nervous laugh.

 

"Hi there, and welcome to another Almost Report. Now dirtier than ever, thanks to the help of surrounding pennites... or lack thereof." Wyvern sneers and winks to the camera, then pulls a sheet from under a fluff of dust. He clears his throat and taps the sheet a bit in the hopes of making it more visible. "Alasss, we regret to inform Whisky Hotshot Malone spectators that her conscipuous extended absence signals the end of this report's costumed shenanigansss. We can only hope that the show's ratings will stay afloat without an attractive intern to hold people's attention... with any luck, the increased dirtyness of the reporting will keep people's ears and eyes open in disbelief!"

 

Wyvern rubs his claws together in a sinister manner, then pauses and reaches out to stop a cluster of soot from sliding off of a fluffy-looking miniature figurine. He waves a claw in the air for a moment to shake off the dirt, then turns back to his sheet of paper with a rather timid expression.

 

"Anyway, in this evening's newsss..." Wyvern stares at the sheet for a long moment, then whistles a hiss-sigh and lifts the page up for the cameras to see. Almost dragonic doodles have been scrawled across the paper, with several stick figures with Xs for eyes and a few loosely sketched product blueprints standing out. "Well, no news persay, but there are these little drawings that I made out of boredom which I'd be happy to share with you. I'm particularly proud of these two."

 

Wyvern points towards two mangled stick figures, which look identical and could have easily been mistaken for random scribbles if a claw hadn't been pointed in their direction.

 

"I call it 'Stick Figure Cow and Cow-Eating Stick Figure Cyclops.'" Wyvern lifts his snout with an air of pride. "Part of the Almost Dragonic Brand Post-Modern Contemporary Neo-Futuristic Nonsensical Art Series™ - ya betta asssk somebody! Also, be sure to check out my brand new line of e-pets: Almost Dragonic Brand Soot-E-Pets™. 15 geld per pet, and it all goesss to the good cause of cleaning some of the dirt from this basement *hint hint*. Just feassst your eyes on these adorable creatures."

 

Wyvern waves a claw towards the table, and the cameras zoom in to capture the outlines of several figurines scattered across it. Clumps of soot gathered into vague animal-like shapes dot the table, including a mini-gryphon and a tiny soot lizard with a scorpion tail.

 

"Huggable, loveable, unwashable... And best of all, they've even got bobble-heads! See?"

 

Wyvern swats the head of a mini-wolf Soot-E-Pet and it promptly begins bobbing back and forth, causing a huge flurry of dust to cloud the room. The surrounding cameras blank out one at a time, gradually deciding that the dust cloud won't be dying out any time soon...