The Almost Report, Almost Ditches Reporting

[Wyvern]

The pirate news cameras shift their positions and focus on what appears to be pitch blackness. Wyvern lets out a deliberate cough and turns in his seat at the broadcasting basement table, revealing a faint outline of the black objects and figures in the room. The overgrown lizard taps his blackened claws across the blackened tabletop, then brushes another layer of black soot from his scaly head and hisses:

 

"Welcome to the Almost Report, reporting to you weekly through rain or... sssoot." Wyvern stares towards the cameras with what might have been a glum expression had it been visible. "Lemme kick this episode off with an apology to Whisky Hotshot Malone enthusiasts drooling over the prossspect of another new costume. I'm afraid the bessst we can do this episode is Whisky Hotshot Malone covered in soot, if she shows up. TNT-related damages have left the Almost Report's news basement feeling a little dirty, which has counteracted our regular high levels of dirtyness. We're urgently in need of a cleanup to lessen our health hazard ratings by 10%... if there're any pennites who are handy with a mop that'd be up to the task, it'd be greatly appreciated! Feel free to drop right in if ya wanna spiffen things up a bit."

 

Wyvern flaps his wings twice, and a cloud of black dust obscures whatever faint outline was there. The outline becomes visible again a couple of minutes later, once the dust has settled.

 

"*cough* Obviously, these ain't the bessst reporting conditions, though fortunately there're very few news itemsss to cover." Wyvern shuffles through his blackened sheets as if they were still readable. "In this evening's news: a reminder that a theme music technician is ssstill needed to head the Almost Report's sound effects and marketable soundtrack! The musssician can be of any musical background, but must be able to play his/her instrument in strenuous conditions, including cost-effecient uses of soundboards and soot clogging. Auditions directly following this report, or any report after this one... sssimply show off your skills right here with a post, and we'll consssider hiring ya! (salaries range from 0.00 geld to 0 geld, non-negotiable)."

 

Wyvern pauses for a moment and takes a bite of his soot-covered Almost Dragonic Brand Sootsie Roll™. He gags and raises a claw to his snout, then spits a blackened loogie to the floor and continues:

 

"In other newssss: a reminder to please send in your news items via PM if ya have something you want reported to the masses. Be it truth or dare, I guarantee I'll find some way to distort it and make it profitable!"

 

With that, Wyvern bows and flaps his wings thrice, causing the outlines to once again fade to black.