Almost Report, Eight is for Great (or Hate)

[Wyvern]

Curses echo throughout the Pen as the sounds of broadcast stations across the keep are replaced by the static buzz of an old phonograph record. Beneath the crackling hiss of the record emerges a humming similar to that of an old barbershop quartet barber. A rather off-tune, almost dragonic barber... the kind that would probably give you a double-buzz cut and charge you twice for it.

 

"Greetingssss." The images on broadcasting screens flicker and are replaced with that of Wyvern dressed in an old-school corncob cap, corncob cape, corncab horn stockings, corncob gloves, and a carnival entertainer suite that could only be described as "corny." The overgrown lizard reaches into a bucket of popcorn and shovels it into his mouth in his best Roger Ebert impression. "Welcome to the latest episode of the Almost Report. To ssstart things off, I realize that the promising prospect of a sexy intern girl to ogle has yet to materialize... but don't switch that dial folksss! The great Wyverni has other ways of keeping you interested in the news."

 

Wyvern lets out a practiced vaudevillian laugh and pulls out two vaguely shaped pieces of wood connected to strings. The overgrown lizard begins lifting the strings and winks enthusiastically towards the cameras.

 

"These Almost Dragonic Brand Hot Stripper Marionettes™ should do the trick." Wyvern lifts the strings and causes the pieces of wood to wobble around a little bit. The poorly glued branches and bark of the "figures" begins falling off. "Oh YEAH! Shake it baby. You know you love this, Woody."

 

After a few minutes of marionette "dancing," Wyvern's claws get the better of the strings and the pieces of wood clatter to the ground. The Great Wyverni grumbles something under his breath about his personal message box still being open to gals up to the challenge, then reaches for the first news item sheet on his table.

 

"Well it's a hickerdoodle of a Pen day today folks." Wyvern speaks in a sped-up hiss. "The cool cats a-razamafrazzing about and the uncool cats not knowing they ain't cool while the cute lil' kittens gettin their whoopins by the clee-hash doo-da dragonic dudes. Yipee!"

 

Wyvern turns as a box with an image of several veteran pennites appears in the upper-righthand corner of the screen. The overgrown lizard reaches under his seat and pulls out an extremely long cane, then waves it in the direction of the news box. The cane's length is so long, however, that it passes the box entirely and stretches to an area far off-screen. Wyvern flinches as a trogylodyte scream echoes from a balcony camera area, and watches as yet another underling falls to his doom.

 

"*Ahem* Current hot topic around the Pen is the incoming pennite vets, who've decided to suddenly return in mass. Let'sss give it up for Merelas, Justin Silverblade, Loki Wyrd, Geldrinhor, Racouol, and the many other valued members who've reappeared after extended absences. Once a pennite, always a pennite, and that's a digerdoo dandy!"

 

Wyvern drops his cane and turns as another sheet of paper is given to him by a scaly hand off-screen. The image in the box quickly switches to that of a Café door with a broken lock.

 

"Thisss just in: SSSSCANDAL in the Muse and Quill Café! Seemsss that the access-levels for the forums weren't what they seemed. While we wait for an official response from the guild head-honchos in this broadcast, an anonymous source is offering IOUs to any pennite who can photograph the interior of the Café prior to its doors being shut. Send photos to: Anonymous Almost Dragonic Sssource, PO Box 666, the Mighty Pen Recruiter's Office, Pen is Mightier than the Sword."

 

With that, Wyvern tips his corncob hat and moves into an awkward tapdance as he awaits an official guildleader response via the live action news broadcast box...

 

;-)