Almost Another Almost Report, the weekly dig

[Wyvern]

Everyone's favorite crystal ball, television, and Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Alphabet Ouija Board™ transmissions are once again interrupted by noisy bouts of pirate broadcasting static. Gyrfalcon curses over losing Sweetcherrie's visage on his crystal ball, Falcon2001 groans over another anime interrupted, and Mardrax watches curiously as an Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Alphabet Ouija Board™ changes its "wide ogre vocabulary" from G-U-H to U-G-H. Wyvern's scaly face once again becomes the focal point of boob tubes across the Pen.

 

"Greeetingsss, and welcome to this week's almost report, brought to you by the Almost Report. I'm yer unfaithful host, Wyvern." Wyvern shreds some paperwork between his claws and winks towards the camera, then glances over a list in front of him. "First item in this week's news is A Reminder to Validating Pen Membersss. Send a personal message to one of the Pen's Elders if you wish to be validated, and you should be ready post in a jiffy... unless you send the personal message to me of course, in which cassse the speed may depend on the amount of geld you're willing to deposit. Quick Validation will lead to quicker rank racketeering for me either way, so get on it!"

 

Wyvern licks his lips, then turns to another list on the table and looks it over.

 

"In further newsss, it seems that you sexy Pen gals have been a little on the shy side when it comes to admitting your secret longings and desires to become an intern on the Almost Report. At this point in the show, I'd simply like to ssstate that the rumors that have been circulating about interns being forced to perform dastardly deeds is entirely falssse... I'll be the one performing the dastardly deeds, thank you very much. To restate the requirements, you must be: hot, female, and willing to go all out for the sssake of entertainment. Scale fetish a plus. Jussst drop me a lil' Personal Message sealed with a heart, and we'll talk show business." Wyvern loosens his collar a bit and gives the camera his best beady-eyed Sean Connery. "There's no use resssisting. And besides, you know you want to take a walk on the almost dragonic side."

 

Wyvern snickers a bit, then shuffles the second list to the side and turns to a third list.

 

"Ssspeaking of dastardly deeds - do you have a news item so hot that it's burning your palms as we speak? Some dirty gossip or inside scoop, perhapsss? Got enough geld to prove that it's true? If so, the Almost Report would like your news for our weekly broadcast. Just send me a Personal Message sealed with a golden stamp containing all the detailsss, and I'll be sure to mention it on my next show. Slight distortion of facts may occur. That's PO Box 666, The Mighty Pen Recruiter's Office, Mighty Pen Keep."

 

Wyvern rubs his claws together in anticipation, and turns to yet another list as he continues.

 

"To wrap up this broadcast, I'd just like to extend my personal best wishesss to Zadown with a belated Happy Birthday offering. Almost Dragonic Inc. would like to offer to televise scenes staged by pennites of the Dreamer's mighty exploits if any are interested, as a gift to this long-heralded Bard of the Pen. Extra bonusss points for the best giant army arachnid costume and the most visible set of scars. Broadcasting will begin in a moment... after these four lists full of advertisements."

 

Pennites turn away from their screens in agony as an advertisement for Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Alphabet Ouija Boards™ begins playing on their sets.

 

"Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Alphabet Ouija Boards™... the only Almost Dragonic Brand product that can spell the word "hug." H-G-U, "hug."

 

;-p

[Wyvern]

After the final advertisement for Almost Dragonic Brand Akashan Fine Wooden Bookmarks™ has passed, a wave of distortion stretches and mutates the images on the screen, switching them to a scene near one of the oaks in the Pen's Courtyard. All eyes turn away from the screens as the camera focuses on Wyvern, who appears to be dressed in a long haired wig, a dress, and fake eyelashes.

 

"I bet the Dreamer could've instilled boundless panic on their minds, while I tried to project even a mild anxiety in vani-... vain. Of courssssse, sssssuch ssssspellssss, usssssseful againsssssst mortalssssss only, are nothing to him, thinks Jankiize. Oh wait, was I supposed to read that part?"

 

The image on the screen suddenly goes black, giving pennites a minute to quickly cast healing spells on their eyes. When the screens light up again, the image of Wyvern in drag has switched to one of Wyvern covered from head to tail in cheap sandpaper. At the overgrown lizard's feet is a tiny lit match, along with a number of stick figures built from scratch. The overgrown lizard lets out a rather timid-sounding roar and begins waving his arms around, only to duck as someone off screen throws a handful of toothpicks at him.

 

"Hey *ow* I thought we agreed - no arrow special effects!" Wyvern tries to dodge another handful of toothpicks, only to get them caught in his sandpaper costume. He jumps around as he tries to pull them out, stepping on several pointy stick figures in the process. "Ow! OW! Dangit, ow! Listen, *owowow* yo-"

 

Wyvern trips over his own tail and topples over, landing snout-first on the "Havoc" camera lense. The Mighty Pen's daily programming is once again reduced to static...

 

;-)