The Almost Report vol. 4, lost trans-mission edition

[Wyvern]

Bob Suloberrin turns towards the cameras with a serious expression on his face, shuffling news pamphlets in what appears to be a very legitimate newsroom.

 

!Special Report! "Validating Pen members should now have the option to PM the Pen's Eldership in order to speed up their validation process. If you are in the process of validation and would like to be able to post as soon as possible, simply send a Personal Message expressing your interest to one of the following Elders: Quincunx, Wyvern (though he's notorious for validation tax con games, and shouldn't be trusted), Gyrfalcon, The Portrait of Zool, Gwaihir, Ayshela, or Ozymandias. This should facilitate the validation process for all parties involved, and should also allow you to post with your account much sooner after you register it. Validating members should also beware of-" !Special Report!

 

Bob Suloberrin is suddenly cut off as the screens burst into a bout of static. The static roars for a few minutes before gradually calming, the focus switching to the crowded clutter of a tiny pirate broadcasting HQ. Wyvern grins and bows his head as the cameras approach, accidentally slamming one of the lenses with a horn. The cracked camera wobbles as it attempts to stay functional in Wyvern's presence, giving out to brief spurts of static every few seconds.

 

"*Ahem* Welcome back to the Almossst Report. And now, sssome news you'll really enjoy." Wyvern pulls a medium-sized mirror from under the table and sets it on top of the skull-and-crossbones tablecloth. He grins and stares into the mirror for a long moment, posing and admiring every crimson scale. "Current reportsss indicate that, in Orlan's absence, Wyvern's sex appeal has rocketed out of control into a full-blown love epidemic. I realissse that some of you Pen gals may not be fully aware of this yet... but you just heard it on the newsss, so it must be true! Ssspeaking of which, the Almost Report is looking for some bright-eyed interns willing to take the rap, err... credit! All intern applicants must be extremely cute, female, and willing to dress in a two-piece suite for weather reports. Fondness for tail massaging a plus. Jussst call 1-900-WYVORSHIP, or drop a lil' PM in my box. You know you want it."

 

Wyvern snaps a claw and lets out an obnoxious laugh, only to accidentally elbow the mirror and send it flying off the table. The overgrown lizard frowns as a loud shattering noise echoes in the background, followed by the screams of a troglyodyte cameraman. The lizard clears his throat as loud as he can.

 

"Moving right along in current newsss, congratulations go out to Mardrax for his promotion to Quillbearer. Having known Mardrax for some time, I like to think that I've kept track of his progress, as well as his unpaid application fees which remain over 50 geld to this day (you gotta include interest). Well, it'sss my pleasure to see that if Mardrax needs to pay off his debt by doing grunt labor, it'll be through wiping people's quills. Congratsss!"

 

Wyvern sneers towards the cameras, then shuffles through paperwork until he comes across another hot topic.

 

"In other news, be sure to give a warm welcome our newest writers at the Pen. EdenSinger has been lending her beautiful vocals to the Banquet Hall, Kishana has offered a few precautionary measures, and Norman the Runt has been drinking as any good orc should. A certain Draken has also been spotted searching for available Pen lodgings. Be sure to give these folksss a warm Pen welcome if you see'em, and put in a good word about Almost Dragonic Inc. while yer at it."

 

Wyvern tosses the remaining papers onto the table and leans back, nearly toppling over as he forgets that he's on a stool. The overgrown lizard straightens his scales, then points a claw towards the camera.

 

"To finish off thisss report, a quick Happy Birthday to both Alaeha and Yuki Kokoro. They no longer ssseem to be with us, but their contributionsss to the Pen have certainly not been forgotten."

 

Wyvern turns away from the cameras and waves a claw in the air to signal the "exit theme," only to have a glass-covered troglyodyte hand toss a fresh-looking sheet of paper onto his table. Wyvern glances at the paper and reads it over to make sure that it isn't a death threat or an impending lawsuit, then turns back towards the half-broken camera lens with a grin. "Before anyone takes off, we have Breaking News! Thisss just in: Patrick Durham would like to announce that the guilds have officially been re-opened, and are now integrated into the Assembly Room and Conservatory as described here. Is this a sssign of Carnivals to come? Stay tuned with us next time, on the Almossst Repo-"

 

*ksssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttt*