Da Almost Report, Cheeyeck It

[Wyvern]

"Dah da-da-da, dah da-da-da, Dahn Daaaahhhnnnnnn!"

 

Wyvern races across the almost dragonic pirate broadcasting HQ, holding up a carboard sign that reads "And Now, the Almost Report." He collapses into his seat and clears his throat into the mic with a buzz of static, clearly hoarse from shouting the Almost Report's makeshift theme music. The overgrown lizard wipes the sweat from his scaly brow and shuffles the most recent news items through his claws, winking and grinning towards the camera.

 

"In today's newsssss." Wyvern's eyes widen as he looks over the sheets of paper. He raises a claw, then pulls out two similarly shaped folders labeled "Devil's Advocate" and "Extremely Important News Documents." The overgrown lizard switches them around in a flurry of mixed and matched paperwork, covering it with an awkward laugh. "*Ahem* In today's news... *AHEM*"

 

Wyvern waves a claw, and a small box appears in the upperhand corner of the screen, revealing the image of what appears to be a naked angel sitting in an otherwise empty playground with a pair of old sneakers tied by the laces.

 

"Pen members: please take note and fill out your ballets for the latest round of the Pen recommends. Ponder over the naked angel, shoe lace nest, and ghostly playground found within, and cast your votes for which of these talesss you think deserves the "Pen Recommends" seal of approval for all future spin-off products. The voting process ends February 23rd, and a good deal of votes are needed for this thing to work, so try to avoid the ever-tempting "view results/abstain" button and get in your thoughts today."

 

Wyvern snaps a claw, and the image in the small box is replaced by the words "Yet Another Voting Box."

 

"In further boring news... As if one set of votesss weren't enough, voting Pen members should be sure to mail their February Promotion votes to Ozymandias if they haven't done so yet. Deadline'ssss tommorow, so get crackin' if you wanna have a say."

 

Wyvern goes silent for a moment and lets out a long sigh, then slowly waves his claw until the image in the box is replaced of that of Minta staring at the ground with a disappointed expression on her face.

 

"Concluding this evening's broadcast on a more tragic note: pennite's gathered in mass yesterday to mourn the passing of Xaious the Master of Time (RIP)." Wyvern sniffles and turns from the camera for a moment, desperatly trying to maintain his almost dragonic composure. He coughs a bit as he turns back towards the camera, and quickly shakes his head. "Few words were spoken, but the silence was one of grieving as the Pen watched each of Xaious's ages vanish in turn. Known for his Fortune booth and knack for time period driven dates amongst other things, he shall be missssed."

 

Wyvern blows his snout with a tax document tissue, then raises a claw to the camera.

 

"By the way *sniff* if anyone can sssteal that never-dying lotus for me, I'll *sniffle* split the auction profitsss with ya 80/20!"

 

;-)