Almost Report, (Buy Almost Dragonic Brand February Shower Caps(tm))

[Wyvern]

Televisions and crystal balls around the Pen black out simultaneously, replaced seconds later by extra-loud roaring bouts of static. Falcon stomps his fist on a table as his favorite anime is reduced to distortion, Tanuchan frowns as her communications with nature are interrupted by the roar of static, and Nickoli groans as his crystal ball view of pretty-looking funeral flower arrangements goes dead. The collective call for mage technicians around the Pen is interrupted as the screens suddenly flicker back on, their former images replaced with that of a well-dressed man seated in a formal newsroom.

 

"This is Bob Suloberrin, interrupting regular broadcasting with a special report." The famous Pen newscaster seems to speak in a hurry, drumming his fingers on his table nervously. "Take urgent note: the Pen broadcast system is under atta-"

 

The screens turn to static again, evoking a collective murmer of concerned pennite voices. The screens flash back on only a minute later, the newsroom now replaced with a different room. A shabbier room. A filthy, almost dragonic room."

 

"Greetingsss, and welcome to week two of the Almost Report." Wyvern pops his head from under the rickety wooden table, a pirate hat crowning each of his horns. "I'm your host, Wyvern Q. AlmostDragon. Hit it!"

 

A box appears in the center of the screen, obscuring Wyvern's face. The box depicts the gleaming visages of Whisky in Babylon, Geldrinhor, and Sora Hikari... making Wyvern ressemble a bisexual hydra of sorts.

 

"In current newsss, be sure to welcome our most recent participants to the Pen: Whisky, Geldrin, and Sora. The three of'em have been making their rounds, so feel free to say 'hi.' Oh, and be sure to explain the many merits of Almost Dragonic Brand February Shower Caps™ to'em if you see'em."

 

Wyvern nods and waves a claw in the air. The image in the box covering Wyvern's face shifts to that of an old grandfather clock, making him look like an Almost Dragonic Brand Silent Wyvern Alarm™.

 

"In further newsss, morbid newcomer Nickoli has been poking Xaious fans around the Pen to make funeral speeches in honor of his 'death.' Now, thossse who have been around the Pen for a minute know that Xaious easily has the ability to transport himself from the past into the future, so all this 'death' gibberish is probably just Nickoli misinformed. Still, if anyone manages to make a statement rude enough to get Xaious to transport himself to the future to deny it, they'll be a winner in my book! Closing date for praises/rants is Friday the 16th, if this lizard is not mistaken."

 

The box covering Wyvern's face quickly shifts images again, this time revealing a picture of an extremely mean-looking garden gnome.

 

"As a final reminder, pleassse give the garden gnomes the goodsss in the Mighty Pen'sss latest Roll Call if you haven't done so already. An Anti-Anti-Gnome would be a particularly good gift at thisss point, especially if we want the garden gnomes to savor the riches they've been endowed with thus far. The gift-gathering will last through March, but don't be expecting a new newsss reminder every week!"

 

With that, Wyvern strikes a quick bow towards the camera, only to glance towards a screen and notice the position of the picture box in relation to his head. The lizard inches to the right and lets out a nervous laugh as he waves goodbye to the camera. The box seems to follow his snout across the screen.

 

"And now, back to your regularly scheduled Pen programming *achEM!*"