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Caffeine Free Humor

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This is a purportedly true exchange that even Monty Python would be proud of.


Here's the background: Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire, for those not from the East Coast of the U.S.) Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.


Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Me: Is there more milk or coffee?

Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Her: Just the usual amount of milk.

Me: A coffee with milk.

Her: Yes.


Me: Anything else?

Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Me: We do have decaf.

Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Her: Yes it does.

Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?


Her: Do you have any bagels?

Vinnie (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.

Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.


Her: Do you take credit cards?

Me: No ma'am, cash only.

Her: What about visa?

Me: Is that a credit card?

Her: Well, yes.

Vinnie: Is it cash?

Her: No.

Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Her: What about checks?

Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Her: O.K.


Her: How much is that?

Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Her: Really?

Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)

Vinnie: Please leave.

Her: Why?

Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Her: But what about my coffee?

Vinnie: Leave and never return.


She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

Edited by Quincunx

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Oh, wow. I've had stupid customers, I've had oblivious customers, but that pretty much takes the proverbial cake. Thank you Tzim, thank you ever so much for posting this. I am officially in your debt.

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*tries desperately to control his breathing in order to avoid laughing so loud the entire building will come over to watch*


Hee hee hee ... made even funnier by the fact that I can, easily, imagine this to be real.

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The only reason she's still alive is that breathing is handled below a conscious level... otherwise, she'd have forgotten how to.


As Finnius said, this takes the cake.


I do like the bagel as the 'sesame donuts with extra caffine' though. :)


Or the new war in Alaska rasing coffee prices... because you know Alaska is the primary exporter of decaffinated coffee beans. ;)

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O My Gawd....and I thought I knew 'dumb blonde'!!! I gotta copy this for my sister, she'd crack up...like I am now...that is soo awesome...Someone should seriously put that scene in a movie!!!! they'd make a killing!

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