"The Void" by srsizzy

[Wyvern]

srsizzy,

 

I recently read through the three chapters that you posted from your story "The Void," and want you to know that I enjoyed them for the most part. :-) The plot of the story seems very well thought out, with plenty of interconnected details and engaging revelations. While the focus of the story seems to revolve around Jackson and Vincent, I found myself really relating to the character of David, as the way that his childhood "hallucinations" turn out to be based on something real made me sympathize with him. I really like how you initially introduce Vincent's character as an evil "ghost," and then gradually show the reader that he's more of a force of good and one of the lead protagonists of the story. I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of a villain Kadz is (you've built suspense around him, to say the least!), and am interested in seeing whether or not the perspectives of Genevieve and David will continue to be touched upon in the narrative.

 

In terms of possible improvements, I felt that a little more detail in the characteristics and pasts of the college student characters might help the reader relate to them more, particularly in the cases of Jeremy and Jackson. Out of the current college crowd, David stood out to me most with his troubled past of hospitalizations and feeling of being an outcast. Genevieve mentioned that Jackson was considered the "leader" of their circle of friends, so perhaps some moments of Jackson's past leadership could be touched upon to draw us closer to him? You could also note one or two physical characteristics to distinguish the characters from each other and seperate them from the common college crowd... I was actually hoping for some physical descriptions for Mandy White or Steve after hearing the dialogue based on them. Speaking of which, I also thought that the extensive use of dialogue in the car ride of the third chapter dragged a bit, though the various details that you presented through it were very intriguing. One way to improve this might be to interject the scene with a bit more action and urgency to pace it better, or to only reveal a few of the details and then switch back to the perspective of Genevieve or David.

 

Anyway, this is a nice read so far, and I commend you in your ambition. :-) If you feel frightened about the possibility of browsers reading over your story and stealing your ideas, I'd be happy to move the thread to one of the more private Pen forums, such as 'Under the Oaktree", the "Writer's Workshop", or "The Scarlett Pen" (you might want to mention that your story contains profanity and mature situations as a subheading, actually).

[srsizzy]

I've been told a lot that I need to decribe more, and I always forget the main characters physical descriptions. So I'll try to get some of that kind of stuff in. As for seeing more of David and them, a lot of people have expressed anger to my answer to that question. The other three aren't going to be in the first book a whole lot more, if really at all. The second book is completely about David, and the last one is mostly about Genevieve. Jeremy gets kind of spattered everywhere because I haven't really thought of anything important that he does.

 

Now, of course, none of this is definate. I won't know what happens until I finish it, but that's the plan I have. I'll try to set up more of a past with Jackson to draw the reader's interest more, but in my mind Jackson is kind of a plain guy. It's his relations from the past that make him interesting, but you'll see what that means in the fourth chapter.

 

I didn't realize this subforum was here and I just saw this (would've responded earlier). Oh, and about the subheader with the warning of profanity, I can't edit my post to change the title. If you or someone else could do that, that'd be mighty helpful. And about moving it, I don't have access to any of those except the scarlet pen (EDIT: nevermind, I'm a dope), and I'm not so worried about it being stolen any more. Thanks for the advice Wyv, I'll try to incorporate the things you said and fix that stuff.

Edited July 13, 2006 by srsizzy

[Tamaranis]

Well, it's a big story, and it's good, and I think people are a little intimidated to critisize it. Judge not lest ye be judged. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Etc. The matter isn't helped by the fact that I think Wyvern is really the best reviewer we've got going for us right now and it's hard to follow serious commentary from Wyvern with an "Oh, I like that part."

 

...which is about what I can offer.

 

But anyway, one thing that had struck me as a bit off is the way exams were being handled. Now, it could be totally different in the U.S. of A. than in Canada, and maybe that's all there is to it, but you also mentioned you're 15, so it could be that too.

 

Anyway, When I'm writing exams for university the symester ends, no classes no nothing for at least three or four days, then exams are written over the course of about two weeks. There's still plenty of people around the university during those two weeks, study groups, consulting professors, or just people getting away from distractions, etc, but for those two weeks I'd spend maybe 10 to 15 hours actually writing finals... but you tend to be busy during those weeks anyway.

 

Could be nothing, of course. Could be the finals at the end of a symester are just really, really intense in the U.S. of A. and I'm just a crazy foreigner.

 

Oh yeah, and the exposition that's been happening around now, and seems like it's going to be continued into the future... Wyvern already touched on this a bit. All I can say is pace it carefully. Seems like something that's going to be very tricky to do.

 

And finally, I read this, I enjoyed it, and if you post more I'll read that too. If this is as much as you plan to post, I hope you can stick around so you can notify us when it hits shelves.

[srsizzy]

Yeah, I'll admit, I have no idea how college exams happen here. I think it all depends on the college, but all those who have read the story and attended college in the past haven't said anything as of yet. I think they're pretty intense, but I'm not sure, I should probably do some research into it. Dark Town is a fictional city, so the college is too, but I'll see what I can do to make the exam part of it a tad more realistic.

 

I'm glad to hear that people enjoy reading it. That makes me want to post more...I probably will. I have to write it first though. I've thought about how much is explained in the car in Ch 3, and I think it would be better to take some of that conversation and explain it more through the story and less through characters conversing.

 

I read over Wyv's post again, and next time I take a run over the story for editing I'll try to think about adding more physical and characteristic traits to the characters.

Edited August 5, 2006 by srsizzy