Dark Currents

[YanYanGanaffi]

A friend informed me recently as to the reason why people who read my posts do not compliment. Apparently, it's to avoid cluttering up the story. So, I decided I'd make a OOC thread in here. Any comments and criticisms are fine. Thanks.

[Wyvern]

YanYan,

 

I just wanted to say that I''m enjoying your new story, so far. :-) I find the setting that you chose for it very interesting, and really like the horrific slant that you're approaching the story from. I particularly like a number of the details you've used in describing the strange frog creatures that attack the ship, as their powerful sea water stenches and gruesome appearences both give a sense of fear to the narrative. I also really liked the way that you portrayed the initial confusion of the crew members when faced with the ambush, as I thought it gave the reader a sense of the crew's perspective and terror.

 

In terms of potential things that might be improved: there were some sentences which I felt were a bit overburdened with dependent clauses. Sentences such as

 

"The calming splash of waves as they rolled against the German U-boat, gently rocking it with each clash with the bow, was overpowered by the roar of flames on the surface of the Atlantic, two hundred miles East of Portland, Maine."

 

and

 

"Simply known as 'Doctor Simon", the willowy man with thin blond hair and fair complexion dressed on the attire of a professor; tweed vest and jacket complimented with dark dress slacks looked over a map of the Atlantic Ocean just off the Maine coast that was wieghed down on each corner with a small rock"

 

are examples of this. I think that these sentences could be made easier to read if they were split up into a few sentences, as I find them a bit overwhelming as they stand. I've also been frequently guilty of overdoing it with the dependent clauses, and definitely sympathize with this issue. Also, I don't think that the translation of the frog man in the first post from "croaks and gurgles" to English works well, as the posts seem to be told from the crew's perspective and they wouldn't understand it. I think it would be better if they were left at incomprehensible croaks, as their intent is later implied to the reader anyway.

 

Very nicely done so far, I look forward to the continuation.

[YanYanGanaffi]

Yeah, after looking it over, I do fine that the translated command of the shaman's orders debatable. I may take your suggestion on changing it. Thanks!

[Lord Panther]

As promised, here is what I thougth of your tale, Yan.

 

The imagery was great, as Wyvern said, I could picture the horrendous creatures, almost smell the salt and burning fuel in the air.

 

That said, I did not find that it was overly descriptive, thus keeping a good pace and not being dragged down.

 

Very well done, as far as I'm concerned. I look forward to the next installments, if you are writing them.