Thinas Posted June 20, 2005 Report Share Posted June 20, 2005 (edited) Dear all, It's been a while since last I put something out here, but I guess my writing goes like that. My muse doesn't inspire me as often as some of you people, damn you. The following poem is something I wrote in a state of depression. The story described within was meant to end in cataclysmic disaster, the end of everything and evil's final defeat over good. But I write depression out because it helps my mood, and so did this one. As such, the story's ending changed from horrible to better, along with my mood as I finished the poem. I hope you like it, though perhaps more importantly, understand it. The title is not necessarily the final title as I thought it too cliché, though it fits the contents well enough for now. Suggestions for another title are more than welcome, as is any other constructive criticism, naturally. Gothic Redemption It was a cold evening in fall And Jinn walked alone Through alley and darkest hall They broke her every bone No comforting chiming bell Nor watchtower’s ray of light No beacon in this hell To chase away the night Only the thick of gloom And raindrops’ drum Against rock lit by the Moon And betrayed by the Sun Her dress cleaned the street Her blood the souls of Men The rocks cut her feet From now to way back when And fall turned to winter As final rest was nigh She the final splinter Life’s last sigh And she marched, this child Face of stone, toward her grave Lost and hope defiled Standards no longer wave Creaked open cemetery door As dead trees greeted her To bloom in spring nevermore What once was, now were And there they waited for Jinn Belial, Lillith, Asmodai To commit their wretched Sin For their House of Lie Purity march to defeat As lamb to the slaughter Eyes rending meat And heart of Nature’s Daughter ... But their eyes grew As her pace quickened A single dove flew And their power weakened And she no longer paced Steel to readily pierce This enemy they faced Never before this fierce Their knives dug deep And drained her for life Blood spilled, world weep Though die did Adam’s Wife And ferryman took her away Eyes widened in denial Banish Evil Astray And gone was Belial And the dove did return Soared o’er hallowed sky Never to fall and burn Took with her Asmodai Left is but a humble cross Red dirt amongst many graves Testimony to lives lost Though humanity’s banner waves Edited June 21, 2005 by Thinas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jareena Faye Posted June 22, 2005 Report Share Posted June 22, 2005 (edited) Yay! I'm a closet Goth. So I liked this. While the second stanza really sounded great to me, I thought the first seemed stressed. As if you only said "they broke her every bone" so you'd have something to rhyme. I don't have much of a suggestion for it. Maybe clear you mind and come back to the poem some other day, and you'll have an idea. As for the title, if you're still keen on changing it, you might take a line from the poem. Such as "Humanity's Banner Waves," or some variation. Yes, I'm just brimming with ideas when it comes to other people's stuff! Your strong point is vivid description. You bring a picture to my mind. That's very cool! I'm not sure if I'm capable of that or not... not in the poetic way that you are. So good job! Edited June 22, 2005 by Jareena Faye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted June 27, 2005 Report Share Posted June 27, 2005 Nice narrative poem, Thinas. :-) The story told through it is an interesting one, and I liked how the tone of the poem became slightly more optimistic in the second part. In terms of what I understood it to mean, the story of the poem read to me as a metaphor for how good will be martyred in order to triumph over evil, despite being overcome by it. One potential title for this poem could be "Jinn," since the story it tells is centered around her. In terms of potential improvements: while I found the rhyme schemes of the poem well done for the most part, the syllable count struck me as a bit awkward at times. I think that Jareena Faye's remark on the discrepancy between the first and second stanzas may be related to this. The ABAB CDCD rhyme scheme is very consistant throughout the poem, but due to differing syllable counts the stanzas sound very different in rhythm, and I found the transitions from one rhythm to another distracting at times. You might consider strengthening the structure of the poem further by adding a syllable pattern of some sort, though that's entirely up to you and your intentions with the poem. :-) I also found the "pierce-fierce" rhyme in the eleventh stanza a bit awkward, as I thought it had a very different stress and sound than the other rhymes of the poem. Nicely done overall. Thanks for sharing this, it's always great to see your writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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