Arashi Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 (edited) You shatter hearts like panes of glass And caress our flesh with the shards Kissing our lips with romantic verbiage Only to slap us in the face for our silver tongues Stripping us bare to perform in our dance of copulation Foul temptress of emotions We refuse to allow you to dilute our souls For only fleeting moments of passion The lust you plant into men’s hearts Grow like weeds left untamed Strangling the truest of loves Until they weep, whimper, and then with one final cry Expire. _____ Ya, Loki is right. It does sound better without line 6 Edited May 27, 2005 by Arashi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 (edited) Expiration Date? I like "caress our flesh with the shards," seems very different. You may want to rethink your second 'only' (line 6)--it might work just as well dropping it. Edited May 26, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 I really really like this. Kissing our lips with romantic verbiage Only to slap us in the face for our silver tongues One of my fav lines, although I can't explain why exactly. Very powerful imagry throughout this piece. I loved the story it told me. Nicely done. *grins* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 Cracking stuff Arashi! My swash was truly buckled. In fact I may need to lie down now. Cerulean sips some iced tea and fans herself vaguely with a purloined lettuce leaf. Keep posting - I'm enjoying your work. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arashi Posted May 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 ::bows deeply:: Thank you all for enjoying my works. as long as you keep reading and liking them I will keep writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted June 3, 2005 Report Share Posted June 3, 2005 I also really liked this poem, Arashi. :-) Like Loki Wyrd, I found the details very evocative and original, and particularly liked the four opening lines of the piece. The imagery was well done throughout it, and I found the message of the poem very strong. In terms of possible things to improve: I was a bit uncertain as to what group the "we" of this poem was addressed to. Given the poems specificity, I almost feel that a first person "I" might work better as a perspective... Alternately, the "we" of the poem could be strengthened if the group it refers to is insinuated or specified more. Once again, great poem Arashi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts